Governor Charlie Baker Wants To Legalize Sports Betting In Massachusetts, And I Think My Life Is Officially Over

Everybody likes receiving good news, hence why the word “good” precedes the word “news”. Whether it be discovering that a sick family member is getting better or that an ex girlfriend of yours died in a fiery car accident, having somebody tell you positive news is a sure way of making you feel all giddy inside, like a kid on Christmas morning when he sees all of the gifts Santa Claus left behind after breaking and entering into their home during the night. Given my proven record of bad luck and the fact that I generally conduct myself inappropriately through a series of unhealthy lifestyle choices, I don’t receive good news that often. But that all changed today, when a Massachusetts politician, Gov. Charlie Baker, did something correctly for a change by putting forth intent to officially legalize sports betting in Massachusetts. This is obviously great news for degenerates like me all across the Bay State, but it is also a double edged sword because I fear that this will be the final thing that destroys me.

As previously stated, Gov. Charlie Baker announced recently that he plans on introducing legislation soon that would legalize gambling on professional sports in Massachusetts, following suit with many other states. This all comes less than a year after the Supreme Court finally ended the federal ban on sports gambling in the United States, which gave way to individual states to decide how they wanted to legislate gambling. I am thoroughly surprised by this, because I figured Massachusetts would sit back and allow all of the surrounding states to do it first and steal money from our state, similar to what Connecticut has been doing to us with casinos for years. It’s also worth mentioning that the daily fantasy sports company Draft Kings is headquartered in Boston and has been pushing for this for a while now. But with MGM Springfield already open and Wynn Casino in Everett under construction, it makes sense that we’re finally getting with the times and will allow people to legally do something that everybody has already been doing anyway. The rules are still a little iffy to me, as it excludes betting on college and e-sports, but it’s definitely a step in the right direction. Between the revenue from this and legal weed sales, maybe our state can finally fix all of the potholes that plague our roadways. Good for you Charlie Baker. I’m proud of you buddy.


Now here comes the other side of the sword. I think of myself as possessing the resiliency of a cockroach in a nuclear war scenario, and my track record backs that seemingly ridiculous claim up. I’ve overcome so many on and off drug addictions, ass kickings, and periods of unemployment eating nothing but ramen to the point that I’ve convinced myself I’m Super Man. The only problem is that even Super Man has a weakness, and while his kryptonite is, well, kryptonite, my kryptonite is betting on sports. I just can’t help myself from essentially lighting my money on fire when I see an enticing spread, money line, or points total. I’m like Jane in “Jane Says” by Jane’s Addiction, except instead of pledging I’m going to quit doing heroin tomorrow (As if), I keep saying I’ll quit gambling tomorrow. But just like the colon of somebody with a high fiber diet, I am full of shit. I have a better chance of achieving a winning betting record than I do of quitting, and I promise you that neither of those things will happen in this lifetime.

So like I said, I’m really glad that this has been put in motion. It is great source of revenue for our state and it allows people to stop having to jump through hoops of fire by way of bookies and shady websites in order to simply throw some money on a game. That being said, I’m genuinely worried about my well-being within the next few years. Between gambling being legalized and Wynn Casino opening a mere 15 minute journey from my apartment, I better take out some type of insurance policy on my assets (Which is basically nothing, but it never hurts to be safe). While I’m talking insurance policies, maybe I should just take out a life insurance policy in my name and then fake my own death. Holy shit, why have I not already done this? Well I think I just figured out my plans for the weekend. Peace out everybody, I’ve got a death to fake.


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