Actor Bryan Cranston, best known for the roles of Walter White on Breaking Bad and as the father Hal on Malcolm In The Middle, is the latest person to come under fire from the chronically offended and misguided idiots of America, who are unfortunately growing in number with every passing minute. Basically, people are upset about his upcoming role in the movie “The Upside”. In this comedy film, Cranston plays a wealthy quadriplegic man who needs an around the clock caretaker due to his physical state. Sounds like a pretty serious job, so it makes perfect sense for that role to be played by Kevin Hart. I obviously haven’t seen the movie yet because it comes out Friday, but it seems like it’s going to be just another form of the, “White guy and black guy become friends despite being very different” story that Hollywood has been regurgitating for years. I’ll bet dollars to donuts that the movie won’t be good, but that isn’t my reason for writing this blog. I write this because, as expected, people are upset at this movie. But they aren’t upset for the reasons you might think they are. People are upset because Bryan Cranston is playing a disabled person even though he isn’t disabled, because apparently these idiots forgot what acting means.
So there’s the trailer. As you can see, it seems pretty harmless. It’s literally just a movie that happens to be about a disabled guy. Nothing to be upset about. So why are people bitching about this? Its because they feel that Bryan Cranston is stealing a role that should be reserved for an actual quadriplegic person, because we all know Hollywood is just chock full of those. How fucking stupid do you have to be to make that statement? Astronomical is the answer. Would they have felt better if Cranston jumped off a roof and paralyzed himself from the neck down before they started filming? That’s why I was so happy when Bryan Cranston didn’t succumb to their cries and instead told them to go fuck themselves, using nicer words of course. He told reporters that it was a “business decision” to take the role, which makes perfect sense because getting paid millions to appear in a movie sounds like a good decision to me. He agreed with the idea of more disabled actors becoming more prevalent in movies, but then unleashed a logical mic drop by saying, “If, as a straight, older person, and I’m wealthy, I’m very fortunate, does that mean I can’t play who is not wealthy, does that mean I can’t play a homosexual?”.
I’m sure that well articulated point went right over the heads of those he was addressing it too, so I’ll attempt to explain why he’s right and they’re wrong. So apparently the bar that the outrage crowd wants to set is that actors can only play roles that are exactly like they are in real life. Straight men can only play straight roles, British people can only play British roles, healthy people can only play healthy roles etc. That completely defeats the purpose of acting. The trademark of a good actor is being able to play a wide variety of roles. That’s what makes acting impressive: The fact that you really are one way but are able to believably play a completely different character. A good example of this is how amazing it is to see people like Heath Ledger go from being a colonial minuteman in The Patriot, to a gay cowboy in Brokeback Mountain, to being a sadistic villain in The Dark Knight, the last of which is one of the best performances of all time and actually caused him to go slightly insane. Should that role have been given to an actual psychopathic clown named The Joker instead of Ledger? According to these idiots, yes. Wanting only people to play roles that they fit the description of is ridiculous. If you want that to be the case, why don’t you just walk outside and look around instead of watching movies? Life already exists, which is why we enjoy seeing people playing roles that aren’t themselves in a fantasy world for entertainment. Otherwise, you’re gonna have to find a chemo patient for every movie that has somebody with cancer in it, and I’m pretty the last thing a person fighting cancer wants to do is act in a movie. So to anybody that actually got upset by this, just know that everybody hates you. I highly suggest you go out for a role in an upcoming rendition of “Philadelphia”, but makes sure you put your money where your mouth is and contract AIDS first so you don’t take the role away from somebody who actually has AIDS. It’s only fair.