Going on dates, especially as a guy, is the most overrated thing on earth. I can somewhat see why girls would go on dates because they get a free meal or whatever out of it, but why guys would ever voluntarily meet up with a stranger to engage in an awkward dinner that you then have to pay for is beyond me (Where’s the gender equality when it comes to paying the bill? As a staunch feminist, I find this sickening). The untrained reader would assume this is just me being a cynical single person, but that isn’t the case. I happen to be in a long lasting, loving, and committed relationship with my right hand thank you very much. I mean sure, every now and then I slip up and cheat on it with a drunk girl that mistakenly agrees to have sex with me, but nobody’s perfect. Another thing that sucks about first dates is that I have the success rate of socialism, which is 0% despite what the dipshit barista at Starbucks might try to tell you. But every now and then I see a story that makes me think true love does exist. Maybe love at first sight isn’t just reserved for fairy tales. The story that has redeemed my belief in romance comes out of Arizona, where a Phoenix woman was arrested for stalking and trespassing after also sending 159,000 texts to a guy she went on one date with.
I’m a pretty good judge of character, so trust me when I say that this woman’s face screams mentally unstable. She has the crazy eyes like you read about, and that Mona Lisa half frown/half smile thing she has going here just made me stand up and make sure my doors and windows were locked. Some of you might be thinking to yourself that this is an old story, and that intuition is correct because it is. The reason I bring this back up is because of the new details that have come out recently, most notably the amount of texts she sent. Jaqueline Ades of Phoenix, Arizona was arrested by police in July of 2017 after her stalkee found her parked outside of his residence and she refused to leave. She was then arrested about a year later in April of 2018 for breaking into his house to take a bath while he was on vacation. In addition to stalking and breaking into his house, she had a bit of a habit of texting him pretty often. By pretty often, I mean 159,000 times over a 10 month period, which works out to roughly FIVE HUNDRED AND THIRTY TEXTS A DAY. I don’t even know if I send 530 texts a year, and Jackie here managed to do it in a 24 hour span for 10 months straight. If I had that level of determination, I’d be supreme emperor of the world right now. But unfortunately for me, I have the drive of an old lawnmower thats been left out in one too many rainstorms. Maybe I’ll come back as successful when I get reincarnated, but given my bad luck, I’ll probably come back as a fruit fly or Lena Dunham’s dildo.
Another important detail to note is that they only went on one date. These two star-crossed lovers met on an app called Luxy, which is apparently a dating app for millionaires. This makes things make a little more sense. So basically this dude is loaded and this girl was looking for a sugar daddy. I’m sure he was hoping to find some easy pussy by way of the fact he has millions of dollars, which should have been like shooting fish in a barrel, but he got unlucky and met a woman who likely climbed inside of a laundry bin and escaped from an insane asylum. Tough break, but that’s life. Maybe next time he should take some of his fortune and do a background check before agreeing to a date, but that’s just a suggestion.
Love makes people do crazy things, and this is a perfect example of that. All Jaqueline wanted to do was shower this lucky guy with love and affection and he rejected her simply because she stalked him, broke into his house, and sent him close to 160,000 text messages, some of which were threatening. His loss I guess. He doesn’t deserve a woman as caring as Jaqueline. Her court date is scheduled for next month, and I’m really hoping she beats the case because I would love to take this lovely lady out. That’s right: I’ve done a complete 180 and I think I’m in love with her. I guess I’m just as crazy as she is, making us a true match made in Heaven. I mean what could go wrong here? Admittedly my only reason for wanting to pursue this woman is due to the results of several scientific studies that prove a tried and true hypothesis: Crazy in the head, crazy in the bed. Based on her past behavior, her eyes, and the fact that she willingly lives in a place that averages 100 degree dry heat year round, she’ll probably bring up anal and tying her up before the appetizers even come out. If the trade off for that is my phone constantly buzzing with texts and having to always watch my back and live in fear, then so be it. Sex is sex, and crazy chick sex is worth the possibility of being stalked and killed over. Facts are facts.
PS: They didn’t release them all, but easily my favorite text that she sent this guy was “I’d make sushi outta ur kidneys and chopsticks outta ur bones”. Very poetic. And I also just noticed that her last name is Ades, which seems like a bad omen for the possibility of contracting AIDS from her. Oh well. I knew the risk when I signed up for anal at dinner, and after seeing the new Queen movie, I’m prepared to go out Freddie Mercury style.