As I sit here on this lazy Sunday watching multiple football games at once thanks to Red Zone, you would think the last thing on my mind would be Miss Universe. That’s where you would be wrong, because despite the fact that I’m not gay or at all interested in pageantry, I do love betting on things whenever possible. I’m no expert on beauty pageants, although I have written about Miss America ending it’s swimsuit competition. Despite not being a critically acclaimed pageant judge, I am very capable of looking at a bunch of skimpily dressed chicks and ranking them accordingly. Some would call that statement sexist, but I like to call it reality. No matter what other filler pieces they try to add in, the purpose of these pageants are to look at hot girls and nothing else, atleast it used to be. But now, just like with everything, politics and other bullshit has been injected into what should be nothing more than a “Who do I want to fuck the most?” contest. Given the new agenda based criteria, I’m betting a 1 million dollars (EDIT-$100) that Angela Ponce. a transgender woman from Spain, wins Miss Universe tonight at +600 odds.
Now first things first, this dude is kind of a smoke. I’m not gay, but I’ll put my heterosexuality aside for a second and admit that this is the most convincing transgender person I’ve ever seen, and I’m a little bit nervous of that because if I saw them in a bar I would probably try hitting on them not knowing they might have a bigger dick than I do. Moving on, there are 3 certainties in life: Death, taxes, and transgender people getting treated like heroes for some reason. It all started back in 2015 when Bruce became Caitlyn Jenner and won the Woman Of The Year award. I mean, really? Bruce Jenner wearing a dress and makeup was the bravest and most influential woman in 2015? If I had a vagina I would be pissed that a guy won an award designated for women, and these are the issues that feminists should be upset about because it’s unfair to actual women, but I digress. Transgenderism is the new black. It’s hot in the streets, and everybody wants to let everybody else know how cool they are with it to avoid being called a bigot or any of the other misused buzz words that inhabit our society. Not letting this man enter into a Miss Universe would be considered non-inclusive, even though it makes perfect fucking sense. That’s why this bet is the lock of the century and I’m already planning out what I’m gonna buy with my winnings. If you somehow don’t see why this is the safest bet of all time, have you been paying attention to life in 2018 at all? If she doesn’t win, the feminazis will complain until the cows come home. They’ll claim the only reason she didn’t win is because she’s really a guy, which is a very good point for why she shouldn’t win, but what do I know besides everything? So to avoid that annoyance and to be “progressive”, I am guaranteeing that this biological man will be crowned the hottest woman on earth tonight, ironically in the name of feminism. Laugh out loud funny stuff right there, but hey thanks for the free money guys. I guess men are better at being women than women are. Equality! Anyway, you’re welcome for this tip on how to make some free cash tonight.
PS: It must be a real tough pill to swallow for all of the other contestants in this thing when the judges rule that this guy is a hotter woman than you. Also, can we drop the whole Miss Universe title? It doesn’t make any sense because for all we know there are plenty of hot pieces of alien ass in space, so I just doesn’t seem fair that we don’t let them compete and yet call it a Miss Universe pageant.