You know what they say: “Some people have all the luck”. As you’ve probably gathered from my gambling woes, me and Lady Luck aren’t exactly on speaking terms at the moment. In fact, I think she has my number blocked and a restraining order against me. That’s why whenever I see somebody else enjoying levels of good fortune much higher than mine, I have no choice but to become as bitter as a salted lemon that’s been left out in the sun and peed on by several feral cats. For example, I have a friend who constantly wins large amounts of money on scratch tickets. Every time he sends me a snapchat of a $500 winner, I contemplate not being friends with him anymore to save myself from the jealousy. The reason why I bring this up is because I came across this news headline the other day.
Here’s the full story if you want to read it, but basically some homeless dude in Washington named Kevin Booth was craving some bread and went to his local food bank because they leave some outside for people to take. Alongside the usual moldy pieces of bread, he found a bag with $17,000 in it. But instead of doing the smart thing by picking up the bag and running off with it like it was a recovered fumble, he decided to turn it in like an idiot. It was turned over to the police, and after 90 days of nobody claiming the money, it was given back to the food bank and not the homeless guy that actually found it. To show their appreciation, the food bank gave Kevin a gift card and a “Thanks for the $17,000 you dumbass”
No good deed goes unpunished, and I’m sure Kevin here now knows that phrase to be true from firsthand experience. With that money he could have gotten himself off the streets for the time being, but instead he ended up with a $50 gift card to the local Olive Garden. I’m not an expert in all things financial, but that payout just doesn’t seem too great given his initial investment of 17 grand. I’m sure his hope was that the story would go viral and a GoFundMe page would get started for him, leading to him making way more money than the original amount. That move has been used plenty of times, but those days are over ever since that New Jersey couple and homeless guy scammed everybody last year. People have grown weary of giving money to strangers because of stories like this, as well as the perceived notion that they’ll only spend the money on drugs and alcohol. The latter reason is confusing to me because that’s the only reason I ever give money to panhandlers. If some homeless guy has a sign with a madeup sob story about how he’s gonna get his life back on track by begging for change with a Dunkies cup, I walk right past him like he’s not even there. But if a homeless guy has a sign that says something along the lines of “I want to buy some booze tonight because I’m homeless and it sucks” or a clever joke like “Ninjas kidnapped my family, need money for kung fu lessons”, I’ll give those guys a buck or two every time. Honesty is the best policy, and who am I to stop somebody from getting hammered or learning kung fu to defeat ninjas? I guess my main point is anybody that turns in money or drugs that they find are idiots who just wasted a prime opportunity to get rich quick. Just once I would love to be the guy who stumbles upon a suitcase filled with money or cocaine, but I guess we can’t all be winners. When life gives you lemons, in this case lemons being a suspicious bag with $17,000 in it, just make the fucking lemonade.