Prohibition Ended 85 Years Ago Today, And I Think December 5th Should Be A National Holiday

Our 365 day calendar is littered with yearly holidays and traditions as is, but I think it’s about time we add one more to our repertoire. The holiday I’m proposing is today, December 5th, and the cause for celebration is because the ratification of the 21st Amendment happened on this date in 1933. For those of you who didn’t pay attention in school or aren’t alcoholics, here’s a brief little history lesson about the subject while I sit here a few rum and cokes deep. First things first, a bunch of morons came up with the idea to ban alcohol around the turn of the 20th century. These people called themselves “progressives”, and they hated fun so they decided to cut it off at it’s source: Booze. They’re eerily similar in name and action to the progressives that are ruining our society today through their anti-fun campaigns, but that’s a topic for another day. Somehow, this moronic campaign gained traction, and in 1919 the 18th Amendment was signed into law. The legislation declared that the production, transport, and sale of alcohol was now illegal in the United States. Naturally, people panicked and started raiding liquor stores to buy up whatever was in stock. They did this because the private consumption of alcohol was still legal, and the law didn’t take effect until January 17th, 1920, so people quite literally stockpiled their basements with alcohol like they were stocking the fridge to ride out a blizzard. But similar to our drinking laws now, nobody followed the rules. It’s estimated that major cities like New York City and Philadelphia had more illegal drinking establishments, known as “speakeasies”, during The Prohibition Era than they have bars and liquor stores now. Business was booming, and seeing as supply and demand is the first lesson in business 101, many entrepreneurs jumped at the opportunity to get rich quick. This in turn gave rise to bootlegging and rum running, which then led to organized crime families forming and all of the massive corruption and violence that came with it. After 13 years of lunacy and record breaking crime statistics, the government came to the realization that Prohibition was a colossal failure and ratified the 21st Amendment on December 5th, 1933, ending the 13 year shit stain on US history known as Prohibition. I don’t know about you, but I’ll drink to that

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Now I know what you’re thinking, and the simple answer for why I’m not a history professor giving lectures at Harvard is because I keep failing my drug tests like an NFL player on 4/21. Irregardless, this date holds a special place in my heart and it should in yours too. 85 years ago, citizens overthrew government tyranny and earned the right to once again legally get so drunk that they punch their best friend in the face and shit their pants. I know it doesn’t really matter because we would all be drinking even if Prohibition was still in effect, but I think it’s worth celebrating the re-legalization of alcohol in this country. I mean, we celebrate the liberation of our country from England on July 4th every year, so why not also celebrate the liberation of alcohol every year? I haven’t asked any of my black friends about it, but I’m sure they’re going to have a get together tomorrow to celebrate the ratification of the 13th Amendment back in 1865. I’m sure they call it No Chains Day, or perhaps Fuck Cotton Day. No matter what they refer to it as, I’m positive they celebrate the end of slavery, so we should all celebrate the end of alcohol prohibition too because it’s just as important. Due to the fact I’m already a little drunk and didn’t have the foresight to come up with a name beforehand, I declare that December 5th shall now be known as Get Drunk As Fuck Day. Very succinct, but it has a nice a ring to it. So whether you planned on drinking today or not, I highly suggest you pour a couple casuals on this seemingly random Wednesday night just because you can. And if you don’t drink, you should still reflect on the importance of today’s date whilst doing your jig saw puzzle, staring out the window, or whatever it is that sober people do for fun. Alright end rant, but make sure to tell your family and friends about GDAF Day so we can make next year the best one yet. Bottoms up bitches

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