“What’s in a name?” Juliet famously asks her love interest, Romeo, in the classic Shakespearean play Romeo And Juliet. To my knowledge nobody has ever provided Juliet with the correct answer, so I’ll do her a solid right now and reveal that everything is in a name. I know she goes on to make the case that your name doesn’t define you, but that’s just stupid. Almost as stupid as willingly drinking poison, but I digress. A name is one of the most important things about a person. First of all it’s how you’re referred to, so without it you don’t even have an identity. It’s also pretty damn useful in conversational circumstances. “Hello BLANK. How are you doing?”, or “Hey BLANK, can you pass me the sex doll? It’s my turn now”. You know, normal day to day shit like that. But most importantly, and whether we want to admit it or not, names are also often used to make certain assumptions about people. If your name is Brad, everybody is gonna assume you’re a rich douchebag. If your name is Becky or Courtney or some other very basic white girl name, people are gonna assume you’re shallow and dumb. If your name is Ekekiel or some other biblical name, people are gonna assume you grew up in Amish country and are weird. And if you’re name is Muhammad, you can expect some extra security measures while coming through airport security. Sorry folks, but that’s just the way it is. The goal in life is to have a normal sounding name so that you blend in with everybody else. That’s why I always find it funny when some parent tries to be cute and names their kid something ridiculous, not knowing that they just signed them up for a lifetime of bullying because the rest of the world reacts like Nelson from the Simpsons. Yet somehow, all of the “Ha-ha’s” in the world don’t get through to these idiots, and then they get mad when people make fun of their stupidity. The newest example of this involves Southwest Airlines, a blonde bitch who should probably be arrested for child abuse, and her 5 year old daughter named ABCDE (pronounced Ab-city).

So the story goes that some lady from Texas and her absurdly named offspring were boarding a plane in California. After handing their boarding passes over to the desk agent, the agent immediately started laughing at the name ABCDE because it’s fucking ridiculous. She took a picture of the boarding pass and posted it on social media, as well as began joking about it with other employees behind the counter. Had any of us been in their position, we would have done the same thing. But naturally, ABCDE’s mother, whose name isn’t included in the story so we’ll just call her “Cunt”, took to social media to start complaining about the problem that she created by naming her kid after a row of seats on an airplane. I couldn’t help but notice it doesn’t mention anything about her husband in the story, leading me to believe he probably isn’t in the picture anymore. Smart move on his part given her tendency to make horrible decisions, such as naming her daughter ABCDE. Here she is confirming this “name shaming” story

While I’m sure there are a few mongoloids on this lady’s side, the rest of us are staunchly on Team Southwest Employee. That was the appropriate response to have when coming across somebody named ABCDE, and I intend to pen a letter to the president of Southwest Airlines to request that this employee receives a promotion or some type of award. The only thing this employee did wrong was not getting on the loudspeaker and explaining the situation to the entire airport so that everybody could join in on the laughter. For PR purposes, Southwest apologized already, but we all know the higher ups were laughing their asses off just as hard as everybody else when they first heard the name.

I know it reads this way, but this is not actually a blog making fun of little ABCDE here.  I’m not exactly in the business of making fun of 5 year olds, and I was simply making jest at her name because, lets be real, it’s funny. But she’s a victim in all of this, and her bitch of a mother is the one who really deserves the ridicule here. She decided to ruin her kid’s life before it even started by making her name stand out like a black guy at a hockey game. The only reason she named her child something as preposterous as ABCDE is because she loves attention. Well congratulations lady: You got it. Now the entire world is making fun of you and your daughter because you decided to literally name her the first 5 letters of the alphabet instead of something normal like Emma or Ashley. Dead serious, is this child abuse? Her mother is basically aiding and abetting bullying by saying, “Hey everybody, make fun of my daughter because of the weird name I gave her!”. My only hope is that ABCDE legally changes her name to something more normal and non alphabetical when she turns 18, and then never talks to her mother ever again. That, or kills her mother for all of the years of abuse she caused, but either one is fine. But until then, ABCDE will have to wait for her younger sibling FGHIJ to eventually be born to help shoulder some of the name mockery.