The caravan of Central American migrants that are rapidly making their way through Mexico and to the United States border has once again brought up immigration arguments in recent weeks. In the anything goes border city of Tijuana, the local government has already said they’re overwhelmed by the migrants and that something has to be done quickly, but naturally, nothing will be done quickly. With half of the country saying we should keep them out and the other half saying we should let them in, we find ourselves in the classic stalemate that is better known as American politics. Now I’m not here to have an in depth argument about whether letting anyone and everyone into our country is stupid or not (It is), and if you want to hear about politics you should go look at what the dipshits you went to high school with are posting about on Facebook. The reason I bring this up is because I’m here to do what I do best, which is offer up practical solutions to whatever problems may arise. Our current border with Mexico has more holes in it than Sonny Corleone’s body when he gets ambushed at the toll booths, and our border patrol agents can only do so much to keep those that cross illegally out. My solution? Hire members of the isolated Sentinelese tribe to patrol our borders with the same tenacity they showed last week when they killed that Christian missionary who set foot on their island.
For those of you out there that don’t watch the news: Good for you. The news sucks and kills more braincells than inhaling spray paint with a bag over your head, but chances are you still managed to see the story that I referenced above online somewhere over the past few days. Basically some Jesus freak named John Allen Chau, while high on the word of the Lord, decided he wanted to spread Christian teachings to anybody that would listen, much to the dismay of anybody in hearing distance of him. For whatever reason, he decided the target audience he wanted to preach to was the Sentinelese Tribe. They are an isolated group that has no contact with the outside world, lives on their own island, and in the past has displayed violence to anybody that tries to come on their island, including shooting arrows at helicopters that hover above the island. All of the locals in India told him it was a stupid idea and they would likely attack him, but that didn’t stop this idiot from getting into a kayak and rowing his way directly to his own imminent death. Turns out the Sentinelese people weren’t interested in what John had to say about Jesus, and before he could even mention The 10 Commandments or Heaven, they filled his body with so many arrows it looked like a porcupine’s back. Luckily I was there to capture the entire encounter on Snapchat. Here’s what happened when John reached land and said, “Hey everybody! Are you ready to hear the good word of The Lord, Jesus Christ?”
Ouch. Sorry to be a backseat driver, but you might wanna try ducking or sidestepping next time John. “So what does this have to do with the our border?” some of you with might be asking yourselves. Well I’ll tell you what this has to do with our border. The Trump Administration has put a lot of emphasis on securing our nation’s borders and keeping foreign invaders out, and I think these Sentinelese folks are just what the doctor ordered. They clearly don’t fuck around when it comes to defending land, that much we know. So why not have these guys protect our borders and stop our illegal immigration problem over night? If you’re still having doubts about their border protection skills, consider this: It is 2018, and they still somehow manage to remain undisturbed on an island using only primitive weapons. These motherfuckers probably discovered the wheel and fire last week, yet here they are defending their island from intruders like their life depends on it. If you still doubt their skills, just know that the government is having trouble recovering the missionary’s body because they keep shooting arrows whenever they get close. This guy’s body isn’t on the summit of Mt. Everest. It’s literally right there on the beach, but nobody is touching that shit if the Sentinelese have anything to say about it. If you wanna come on their island, you better be ready to dodge arrows like you’re Neo
So like I said before, this is this is more of a logistics blog than a political one. Consider me like an NBA scout that is trying to find the most talented players in the world to play the game. If the game in this case is keeping people out, I think the Trump administration might want to draw up some contracts for these Sentinelese guys to sign (More realistically, scribble) immediately. Nobody would be brave enough to try to cross the border if our newly sworn in border patrol agents were launching arrows and spears and shit at them, and if they do have enough balls and fancy footwork to dodge all of this and make it into our country, they deserve to stay under the condition they join the United States Olympic track and field team. In fact, this should be our new immigration policy. If you want to skip to the front of the line and skip the Visa applications and whatnot to become a citizen immediately, you should have to run directly through what looks like that escape scene in Apocalypto. Good luck everybody, and for those that don’t get impaled, welcome to America!