If there’s one thing that people can all universally agree are pretty awesome, it’s drugs. Whether it be smoking weed, popping pills, or snorting blow, making your body feel different than it usually does is one of humanity’s oldest and most prized traditions. It’s important to remember that none of this chemical experimentation is even possible without the brave men and women who put their lives on the line trafficking these illegal substances throughout the world, so first and foremost I would like to thank them for their service. But unfortunately, not all of the cogs in the drug trafficking machine work efficiently, and every now and then you’ll see stories about these aforementioned broken parts who fail in their mission to successfully get drugs to the general public. Occasionally, their capture is a simple case of bad luck, but most of the time, it’s because the smugglers were stupid and got themselves caught.
If you thought your Monday sucked, just wait until you hear about the day that Vincent Antonio Jimenez Sanchez and Nelly Diaz de Jimenez had today at Boston’s Logan International Airport. These 2 Dominican Republicans (Probably not the correct term, but fuck it) flew into Logan from Santo Domingo with 7 kilos of coke in their possession. The details of their arrest are scarce, as it’s simply stated that Vincent was acting suspicious and was referred to a secondary screening area after they landed. I guess I can’t really blame him for raising suspicion though, because if I had a shitload of cocaine on my body and in my luggage, I too would probably be sweating like a fat guy in a sauna that just popped some molly. After a quick search the agents found what they were looking for, and the coke in his possession was sewn into the linings of his underwear as well as in hidden side compartments of his suitcase. But by far my favorite part of this story is where his female companion, Nelly, was hiding her cocaine. To give you a hint, here is the picture the Customs agents released today
Nelly you little minx you! She tried to pull a fast one on airport security with the classic “Cocaine dildo in her pussy” trick, unfortunately to no avail. I couldn’t help but notice that she also decided to use a condom before insertion, so I guess credit to her for practicing safe sex/drug trafficking. I give her 5 stars for creativity, but 0 stars on execution because she got caught. After seeing this picture, the fact that they got caught immediately after landing is starting to make a lot more sense to me. It doesn’t say it in the news story, but I decided to use my gigantic brain and impressive deductive reasoning skills to solve this case once and for all. Seeing as she was essentially fucking a giant coke-filled dick during the entire flight, I bet the plane hit turbulence at some point and she started having an orgasm in her seat. It’s sorta hard not to raise some red flags when you start cumming your pants and screaming things like “Harder” and “Faster” from the middle seat of a crowded airplane during slight turbulence. The flight attendants likely observed how wet her seat was after the flight, and after determining she either pissed herself or came everywhere, they referred them both over to airport security where they eventually found the cocaine hidden in the luggage, underwear, and lady parts. Open and shut case really. I love that these 2 thought they could still easily get away with stuff like this. This isn’t the 80’s anymore guys, and nowadays airports have full body scanners, TSA agents that molest you, and more dogs than Mike Vicks house. I like the optimism, but you’re gonna have to get more creative next time.
Like I said earlier, Monday’s suck, but atleast you didn’t get caught smuggling 7 kilos of a Schedule II drug at an international airport. I’m no expert on the law (Except bird law), but I assume smuggling drugs is gonna get you in a little bit more trouble than stealing a candy bar or jay walking. These 2 are about to get fucked by the long dick of the federal court system, probably even harder than Nelly’s coke dildo was fucking her on the plane. Silver lining of this whole situation is that atleast now Nelly is a member of the Mile High Club. I think the saddest part of this story is that Boston now has 7 kilos of coke less than it would have had these 2 kept their cool and gotten through security. But for all of you in Boston now fearing that this seizure might have depleted the chances of a White Christmas: Fear not. No matter how many people that get caught, there are plenty more people willing to get drugs to us by any means. In fact, there’s probably somebody on a flight right now with an array of drugs crammed inside of her baby canal, and once she lands, I’m going to buy those drugs and put them immediately in my nose. Come to think of it, does that count as oral sex? Well I guess it would technically be sinus sex, but lets consider this a debate for another day.
PS: What if the coke dildo was actually up her ass the whole time? Now that’s dedication. If that turns out to be the case, somebody better have a porn contract ready for Nelly immediately after she steps foot out of prison, because she’s got a lot of potential in that industry given her past experience shoving large black objects up her ass.