Today is the day after Thanksgiving, so most people have either spent today at work, hungover, or if you’re like me, both

The day after Thanksgiving is meant to be spent popping tums and taking naps to recuperate from the previous day’s binge diet of turkey, booze, and football, but there are numerous maniacs out there that spend the day after Thanksgiving in a different way. These people willingly sleep in tents on sidewalks overnight, wait in ridiculously long lines, and even get into fist-fights with one another in order to buy some blender that was 25% off. They do this because the day after Thanksgiving is also known as Black Friday, which is a day where stores jack up their prices, discount those inflated prices, and trick stupid people into thinking they’re getting a great deal

Every year Black Friday comes back around, and every year I wonder how it’s still a tradition. Anybody with a brain should know that it’s a scam by now. Hell, even people without a brain should know that. Yet still, hordes of people descend on their local shopping malls every year ready to risk their lives to buy shit that they don’t need, instead of just buying all of their stuff online much more conveniently and for a similar, if not better, price

I like getting a deal on something as much as the next guy, but as I’ve already explained, there isn’t a correlation between deals and Black Friday. If you don’t believe me about the price gouging thing, do yourself a favor and pay closer attention to the prices of certain items next year. Check how much something costs in September, leading up to Black Friday, on Black Friday, and then again after Black Friday. If you put that data on a graph, it would look like Enron stock because it’s going up and down so much

In reality, there’s usually only one thing at every store that is actually a good deal and might be worth punching somebody in the face over. For example, there will be a TV that’s usually $500 that is now $350. Sounds great, but all 5 of them that they have in stock will be sold out faster than a rabbit gets fucked, so it doesn’t even matter. Despite this harsh reality, these TV deals are usually what causes stampedes at Walmart and leads to workers getting trampled to death. That wasn’t a joke by the way. Go on Google and look it up, because that shit literally happens to some unlucky retail worker every year. Statistically, you might be safer on the front lines in Afghanistan than you are opening the front door of a Walmart on Black Friday. That’s why you couldn’t pay me enough to work at a store on Black Friday, because here’s exactly what those poor Walmart employees look like on Black Friday when customers find out that pencils are buy 2, get 1 half off

And here’s what retail employees wish they could do to these customers, and I don’t blame them

So to sum things up, I think you’re an idiot if you went shopping today. As I said before, the day after Thanksgiving is supposed to be spent suffering from both an alcohol and food induced hangover, not maneuvering through crowded stores trying to save a few bucks. Shopping already sucks as is, and it becomes infinitely worse on days like this where every mouth breather in the country decides they want to trample over eachother because of “sales”. I especially think you’re an idiot if you waited outside in line in the Northeast, because it’s been colder than a snowman’s ass all week long. If you fit into this category, please don’t reproduce

I think the only Black Friday shopping I could ever see myself doing would be if vice salesmen, like drug dealers and bookies, also had some Black Friday deals. For example, buy 3 grams, get 1 gram free. Or make 2 bets, get 1 free play. Now THOSE are what I call Black Friday deals, and they might be worth getting off the couch for

While we’re still on the subject, everybody knows that the far superior shopping holiday is just a few days away: Cyber Monday. The best part about Cyber Monday is you don’t even have to leave your house or interact with other people, so it’s a total win/win situation. Come Monday, you can find me doing all of my Christmas shopping like

 PS: I’m surprised there aren’t people out there making the argument that the name “Black Friday” is somehow racist and needs to be changed. That would be such a 2018 thing to happen, but I guess I shouldn’t give those idiots any ideas