Today is the day after Thanksgiving, and going along with tradition, most people have spent the day hungover, at work, or if you’re like me, both. But there are numerous maniacs out there that spent the day another way, as they willingly slept in tents on sidewalks, waited in long lines, and even fought eachother in order to buy a blender that was 25% off. They do this because the day after Thanksgiving has become known as Black Friday, which is a day where stores jack up their prices and then discount the inflated prices in order to trick morons into thinking they’re getting a deal. Everybody with a brain knows this, and even people without a brain should know this, yet every year hordes of people descend on their local shopping malls to risk their lives buying shit they don’t need, and that they could easily buy from Amazon at a similar price.
So as I sit here, somehow still slightly hungover at 9 o’clock at night, I can’t help but wonder how Black Friday shopping is still a tradition. I like getting a deal on something as much as the next guy, but I’ve already explained why there isn’t a correlation between deals and Black Friday. If you don’t believe me about the price gouging thing, do yourself a favor and pay attention to the prices of certain items next year by checking how much they cost in October, on Black Friday, and then again in December. If you put that data on a graph, it would look like Enron stock because it’s going up and down so much.
In reality, there’s usually only one thing at every store that is actually a deal in technical terms. For example, a TV that’s usually 500 bucks is now $400, and all 5 of them that they have in stock will be sold out faster than a rabbit gets fucked. Still, these are the items that cause stampedes at Walmart that result in workers getting trampled to death. If you think I’m kidding, that shit literally happens every year. You couldn’t pay me enough to work at a store on Black Friday. Statistically, you’re probably safer on the front lines in Afghanistan than you are opening the front door of a Walmart on Black Friday. Here’s a live look at Walmart on Black Friday when people find out that pens are buy 2, get 1 half off
And here’s what retail employees wish they could do, and I personally think they should have the right to do, to shoppers on Black Friday
In summation, you’re an idiot if you went shopping today. Shopping sucks as is, and it becomes infinitely worse on days like this where every mouth breather in the country decides they want to buy more shit because they think it’s on sale. You’re especially an idiot if you waited outside in line in the Northeast, because it’s been colder than a snowman’s dick all week. Everybody knows that Cyber Monday is the far superior shopping holiday, and the best part about Cyber Monday is you don’t even have to leave your house and interact with other people. The only shopping I could ever imagine myself doing on Black Friday would be if vice salesmen like drug dealers and bookies also had some Black Friday deals, such as buy 3 grams of coke, get 1 free or make 2 bets get 1 free. Even though those 2 hypothetical deals are way better than anything you’d get at a store on Black Friday, I still wouldn’t want to leave my house to cash in on them.
The day after Thanksgiving is supposed to be spent suffering from both an alcohol and food induced hangover, not maneuvering crowded stores trying to save a few bucks. The pilgrims would be pissed if they knew that their holiday dedicated to turkey, football, and booze now is now unfortunately lumped in with a lame day like Black Friday. Sad! Speaking of which, I’m surprised that pussies aren’t making the argument that the name “Black Friday” is racist somehow, seeing as everything else nowadays seems to be. That would be a very 2019 stance to take, but I guess I shouldn’t give them any ideas.
Anyway, this was just a random blog about why I hate Black Friday, and I guess you by association if you participated in Black Friday shopping today. On an unrelated note, I don’t even wanna think about food or booze after yesterday. Just get me to Sunday so I can sit on my couch and watch men give eachother concussions for 10 hours straight.