It is now after 5 o’clock on Wednesday, November 21st, which signifies that Thanksgiving Weekend is officially here. I’m just as excited as the rest of the country is, but I also came to a stunning realization on my way home: My fridge doesn’t have any beer in it. After a brief panic attack, I headed to a Stop and Shop right near my house to replenish my supply. This place also has a bank in it, so I could deposit my check and kill 2 birds with one stone. Everything was going according to plan, and I was thrilled to see that the Christmas beers had already been put out. I then grabbed a 12 pack of Sam Adams White Christmas and proceeded toward the checkout lines, only to audibly say, “Fuck”once I saw what lay ahead of me. I knew the store would be crowded with last minute Thanksgiving shoppers, but I was not expecting the checkout lines to look similar to the ones waiting for helicopters out of Saigon during Nam. Hope was lost, but then I noticed the Shangri La of a few open “12 items or less” counters towards the end of the store. There were lines at these as well, but I figured they would go a lot quicker than the others because everybody only has 12 items or less, right? Wrong, and I was horrified to find out that apparently the world had plunged into anarchy, and everybody in the 12 items or less lines had way more than 12 items. As I stood in line for 20 minutes behind these greedy, rule breaking fucks holding only a singular 12 rack of beer, I couldn’t help but think one thing: Anybody that goes through a 12 items or less line with way more than 12 items should be hanged, drawn and quartered.
I know this torturous execution method used primarily during medieval times might sound a little bit harsh, but it’s the only appropriate response for this blatant disregard for societal shopping rules. Obeying the purpose of the 12 items or less line is what separates us from monkeys, but apparently there were plenty of primates at my local Stop and Shop tonight. So was everybody in line just an asshole, or were they just too stupid to understand what 12 items or less means? I think it was a combination of both, but it definitely wasn’t neither. The lady in front of me literally had about 40 items and it made me want to take one of my beers out of the box and break it over her head. She waltz into the 12 items or less line with an uncooked Thanksgiving feast in her cart, and yet she continued to bask in obliviousness until it was her turn in line. Once she was in the spotlight, she put on a Broadway performance to everybody waiting behind her that was filled with fake apologies and claims that she didn’t know it was the 12 items or less line. I might have believed her, had it not been for the giant fucking fluorescent sign that said “12 items or less” located right next to her stupid face, that was so bright even Stevie Wonder would have been able to read it.
So where were the authorities in all this? Where were some stoppy workers to step in and tell these line abusers to anally fuck themselves with a cactus? That’s exactly what I was wondering, but unfortunately for me and the other few people just trying to quickly buy a few things, the workers were complicit in this fiasco. Just sitting back and letting these animals take advantage of what should be the express checkout for their own selfish gain. Now look, I’ve worked in a supermarket before and I know it sucks balls. In fact, I worked at that exact supermarket a few years ago. One of the few satisfying things about working in a supermarket is occasionally getting to tell customers that they’re in the wrong. You almost get a mini orgasm getting to look in some moron’s self righteous face and say, “You have too many items for this line”. Had the cashier done that, I would have applauded and tipped them on my way out. But apparently these cashiers were too chicken shit to stand up for justice, and instead they just kept doing their jobs and following orders. Wanna know who else said they were just doing their jobs and following orders? The Nazis while they were on trial at Nuremberg. So am I saying that these Stop and Shop workers are just as bad as Nazis? No, but I’m not not saying it either.
Through the healing power of beer, I’m now much more calm and collected than I was in that store about an hour ago. I can deal with most things, but little shit like this is what really drives me up a wall. All I wanted to do was quickly buy some beer, but instead I had to wait behind a parade of dipshits that either can’t count or just don’t care about anybody around them. That’s why, if I had it my way, every person in front of me in line today that had more than 12 items would have been arrested, dragged by horse to the town square, hanged until near death, disembowled, and then torn into pieces by roped horses running in opposite directions. All is fair in love and shopping, and anybody that abuses conveniences like the 12 items or less line is nothing more than a cancer in an otherwise healthy gene pool. Charles Darwin would agree with me that these people are not fit to survive, and it’s our job to help these people by killing them. Well I’m glad I could share my story with you all on this chilly Thanksgiving Eve. I’d love to stay and chat, but it’s time for me to engage in the Thanksgiving Eve tradition of getting drunk in a hometown bar with a bunch of people I haven’t seen since high school. Fingers crossed that I hook up with one of the hot girls I graduated with, or better yet, fingers crossed that I run into one of the many cunts I graduated with and laugh at the fact that they’re fat and have kids now. Happy Thanksgiving everybody!