It is now after 5 o’clock on Wednesday, November 21st, which signifies that Thanksgiving Weekend is officially here. I’m just as excited as the rest of the country is, but I also came to a stunning realization on my way home from work: I’m all out of beer! After a brief panic attack, I headed to a Stop and Shop right near my house to replenish my supply and get this Thanksgiving Weekend on the road. Plus, this Stoppy has a bank in it that seems to stay open late, so I could deposit my check and kill 2 birds with 1 stone. Everything was going according to plan up to this point, and I was thrilled to see that the Christmas beers had already been put out. After seeing this, I had no choice other than to grab a 12 pack of Sam Adams White Christmas and make my way toward the checkout lines, so I did exactly that

Once I got to the checkout lines, I let out an audible “Fuck” to myself. I knew the store would be a little crowded with last minute Thanksgiving shoppers, but I was not expecting the checkout lines to look similar to the rows of civilians waiting to be evacuated out by helicopter during The Fall Of Saigon. All hope was lost, and I prepared myself for what would surely be a long wait

After standing in line for a little, I looked over and noticed a few “12 items or less” counters on the other side of the store. There were lines at these counters as well, but I figured they would go a lot quicker than the others because everybody only has 12 items or less, right? Wrong. I was horrified to discover that apparently the world had plunged into anarchy, and everybody in these supposed “12 items or less” lines had way more than 12 items

As I stood there in line for 20 minutes behind all of these greedy, rule-breaking assholes while holding only a 12 rack of beer, I couldn’t help but think one thing: Anybody that goes through a “12 items or less” line with way more than 12 items should be hanged, drawn and quartered.

I know this torturous execution method from medieval times might sound a little bit harsh, but I think it’s the only appropriate response for this sort of blatant disregard for societal shopping rules. Obeying the purpose of these 12 items or less lines is what separates us from monkeys, but apparently there were plenty of primates at my local Stop and Shop tonight

So was everybody in my line just an asshole, or were they just too stupid to understand what “12 items or less” means? I think it was a combination of both, but it definitely wasn’t neither. For example, the lady in front of me literally had about 40 items with her. I’m not gonna lie, this pissed me off so much that it made me want to take one of my beers out of the box, break it over her empty head, and then slit her throat with the broken bottle. She basically waltz into the 12 items or less line with an entire uncooked Thanksgiving feast in her cart, and then she continued to bask in obliviousness until it was her turn in line. Once she was in the spotlight, she put on a Broadway performance to all of us waiting in line behind her that was filled with fake apologies and claims that she didn’t know this was the 12 items or less line. I might have believed her, had it not been for the giant fluorescent sign that said “12 items or less” located right next to her stupid fucking face. This sign was so bright, even Stevie Wonder would have been able to read it

So where were the authorities in all of this? Where were some employees to step in and tell these line abusers to go anally fuck themselves with a cactus? That’s exactly what I was wondering, but unfortunately for me and the other few people just trying to quickly buy a few things, the workers were complicit in this fiasco. They were just sitting back and letting these animals take advantage of what should be the express checkout for their own selfish gain. Pathetic. Absolutely pathetic

Now look, I’ve worked in a supermarket before and I know that it sucks balls. In fact, I worked at that exact Stop and Shop a few years ago. You’re making minimum wage bagging groceries for assholes a few days a week, so I guess I can understand the reluctance to stand up and say something because it doesn’t seem worth it. However, at least to me when I worked there, one of the few satisfying things about working in a supermarket is the occasional moment that you get to to tell customers that they’re in the wrong. You almost get a mini orgasm getting to look in some moron’s self-righteous face and say, “You have too many items for this line. Please go stand in that other huge line and let the people that followed the rules get on with their lives”. Had the cashier done anything close to that, I would have applauded and tipped them on my way out. Unfortunately, these cashiers were too chicken shit to stand up for justice, and instead they just kept doing their jobs and following orders. Wanna know who else said they were just doing their jobs and following orders? The Nazis while they were on trial at Nuremberg. So am I saying that these Stop and Shop workers are just as bad as Nazis? No, but I’m not not saying it either

Through the healing power of beer, I’m now much more calm and collected than I was in that store about an hour ago. I can deal with the stress of most things, but it’s little things like this that really drive me up a wall. All I wanted to do was quickly buy some beer, but instead I had to wait behind a parade of dipshits that either can’t count or just don’t care about anybody around them. That’s why, if I had it my way, every person in front of me in line today that had more than 12 items would have been immediately arrested, dragged by horse to the town square, hanged until near death, disembowled, and then torn into pieces by roped horses running in opposite directions. All is fair in love and shopping I always say, and anybody that abuses conveniences like the 12 items or less line is nothing more than a cancer in an otherwise healthy gene pool. Charles Darwin would agree with me that these people are not fit to survive, and it’s our job to help them out by killing them

I’m glad I could share this story with all of you on this chilly Thanksgiving Eve. I’d love to stay and chat, but it’s time for me to engage in the Thanksgiving Eve tradition of getting drunk in a hometown bar with a bunch of people I haven’t seen since high school. Fingers crossed I hook up with one of the many hot girls I graduated with. Probably won’t happen, but it would be a very welcomed Thanksgiving Miracle

Happy Thanksgiving everybody!