One of my favorite parts of the Halloween season is all of the outrage that surrounds it, which in recent years has become sort of a mini holiday to me in itself. Whether it be somebody wearing blackface in order to complete their Tyrone Biggums costume, or somebody like me dressing up like Native American Liz Warren because it’s hilarious, some people for whatever reason feel the need to get offended by costumes on a holiday that is devoted to wearing costumes. Now I understand there are certain costumes that are no-go’s just because of common sense. Like showing up to school dressed as Hitler probably isn’t gonna win you the costume contest, and at best it’s just gonna get you put on every news station and destroy your entire life. I’ve been eagerly awaiting this year’s Halloween outrage, and it sprouted from a very unlikely source: Snowboarding legend Shaun White. So what was his crime exactly? Did he hand out candy with razorblades in it? Murder somebody because he got too into character while dressed up as Michael Myers? Nope. He did something much, much worse than those 2 things. Shaun White had the audacity to dress up like the character Simple Jack from Tropic Thunder.
If you don’t laugh at that picture, you suck. End of story. He hit this costume out of the fucking park, and that’s a spot on rendition of a hilarious character from a hilarious movie. If you haven’t seen Tropic Thunder, it’s about the making of a Vietnam War movie that turns out to be really happening. One of Ben Stiller’s character’s previous roles was a character named Simple Jack in another fictional movie in this universe. Simple Jack is about a mentally retarded farm boy and it was dubbed by all of the critics in the movie as one of the worst movies of all time. The quality sucks, but here’s the trailer scene from the movie
It was funny when I first saw the movie and it’s still funny now. But ofcourse, like most things nowadays, fun isn’t allowed. Shaun White posted the picture to his instagram and was immediately attacked by the internet outrage mob, because apparently dressing up as a character from a movie should be illegal. An important detail is that everything about this movie was controversial. The Vietnam War, child soldiers, Robert Downey Jr. wearing blackface etc. The list goes on, and if you aren’t a huge pussy, you saw no problem with it. Despite Ben Stiller coming to his defense, Shaun White was eventually forced into apologizing because he dared to wear a funny costume to his friend’s Halloween party, which is even more bullshit than a log of poop coming out of a bull’s asshole.
Shaun “The Flying Tomato” White doesn’t owe anybody an apology for dressing up on Halloween. The guy has flipped and spun his way into earning multiple Gold Medals for the United States, and off topic, I think all decorated Olympians should be allowed to do whatever they want at all times within their country’s borders (This would have been extremely clutch for Oscar Pistorius) It’s refreshing to know that the average person doesn’t get upset by menial things like this, but it still drives me nuts how much power all of these pussies on the internet have just by pissing and moaning about a fucking Halloween costume. I know I really dropped the ball this year, but all this does is encourage me to wear an offensive costume next year out of spite. If I’m single, I’ll go as post-arrest Rodney King. If I’m in a relationship, I’ll go as Sonny Bono and have her dress up as a tree. God dammit I’m awesome.