Difficult decisions can come out of anywhere in many different shapes and forms. Whether it be getting an abortion or deciding what to order at Wendy’s, life is filled with things that make you take a step back and carefully ponder your choice for whatever amount of time is necessary. I tend to just say, “Fuck it” and wing most things in life, but today I was confronted with a situation that made the inner machinations of my brain work harder than they ever have before. The cause of this sudden mental uptick in thought didn’t come from an exam or any work related problem. It came from this hypothetical question posed by ESPN on their Instagram earlier
Unless your childhood sucked ass, chances are you played a fair amount of Backyard Baseball on the family desktop computer while growing up. The game came out 21 years ago today, which explains why ESPN posted this picture in the first place. There was no better feeling than drafting your fictional team and running up the score against the completely outmatched computer at any of the many great fields in the game. So many memories, but let’s get back to the point of this blog. The task of choosing 3 players with a $10 salary cap has left me perplexed for hours now. You would think this would come easy to somebody like me that plays and wins on Draft Kings all the time (Humble brag), but unfortunately it hasn’t. I spent most of the day resembling Jonah Hill’s character in Money Ball. I was looking up stats and crunching numbers, yet I’m still as torn as the Hulk’s shirt when he gets angry. Seeing as it’s been plaguing my mind all day, I decided to blog about it right when I got home.
I’ll start off with the most obvious statement of all time: Pablo Sanchez is a must
Trying to build a successful Backyard Baseball team without him is like trying to build a house without tools or building knowledge. His nickname secret weapon couldn’t be more accurate, as he can do just about everything better than anybody else in the game. He might not know english, but he’s fluent in baseball. I’m really glad this kid was able to successfully circumnavigate our country’s immigration laws and wind up on my team. Next stop: The World Series
Now that we got that and more than half of the $10 spend limit out of the way, it’s time to break down some of the other choices I brought into consideration.
Drunk White Kid’s Top Prospects
Leading off my prospects list is Kiesha Phillips. As you can see from her description she’s “the neighborhood clown”, and every dugout needs some entertainment. She also gives off a strong lesbian vibe, which can clearly be seen by her hairstyle and 4 baseball batting rating. She would make a strong edition to my ball club, but unfortunately she’s greedy and wants a little more money than I can dish out. Looks like it’s back to the softball field Kiesha.
Next up is Pete Wheeler. If not for Pablo’s dominance, Pete might have been the guy I’d choose to build my whole organization around. His stats are great, and he’s a ginger so I would always have somebody to make fun of. However, there’s just something that rubs me the wrong way about this kid. His hairline is horrendous for a 12 year old, and the fact his description says I have to point him in the right direction to run leads me to believe he got dropped on his head one too many times as a baby. He’ll be a tough opponent to come across in the season, but I’m still gonna have to pass.
Kenny Kawaguchi was on my radar for a little while, but after taking a closer look I realized he was extremely overhyped. He’s a huge liability both at the plate and in the field, so why is he ranked so high in the scouting report? His 3 baseball rating for running is clearly bullshit because he’s in a wheelchair and therefore can’t even run. And I’m also taking his 4 baseball rating for pitching with a gigantic grain of salt. There’s just no way you can paint the corners with high heat from a sitting position, so I might have to fire my scouts for piecing together this embarrassing scouting card. Not to mention we’d have to modify our dugout, team bus, and clubhouse due to his condition. Money doesn’t grow on trees Kenny, and even though it seems wrong to cut a kid who can’t walk, I’m gonna treat him equally just like I would to anybody else and do it anyway. I’m such a progressive manager.
Jocinda having the nickname “MVP” is so cocky that I love it. Her batting and fielding are both an impressive 4 ball rating, but her running score raises more red flags than an Antifa rally. She looks skinny and tall as fuck, so how can you possibly run that slow? If her salary was $2 or $3 I’d probably draft her, but unless she gets that piano off her back it’s gonna be a no from me dawg
Similar to what I said about Kiesha, I like that “Funnybones” here could provide some comic relief during games. His pitching and fielding ratings are exceptional, but his batting and running puts a real damper on his value to me. His name is also Ernie, and I have a rule that I don’t trust anybody that has the same first name as a Muppet character. But I like his flat top and stats, and he’s also only asking for $2, so for now it’s a maybe.
The oversized headphones might be a bit much, but as somebody who listens to music a lot I’ll let it slide. Axeman is a pretty badass nickname, and his batting and running stats lead me to believe he’d score a lot and make up for his poor defensive play. When I first took a cursory glance at his name and birthday I thought it was on 9/11 due to my closet racism, but I’m willing to put that aside as long as this kid produces for my team. He also has a little brother that might be an interesting future prospect
I like the cut of this kid’s jib. He likes music, and with a nickname like sticks, one can only assume he plays the drums. He also said he likes root beer, which is something I do as well minus the root. He’s a well rounded player in all categories, and sorta gives me a Brock Holt/ Blake Swihart vibe where I could stick him at any position. I like the brother dynamic going on here, and this makes both Achmed and Amir decent prospects for my squad.
First things first, this kid looks like Simple Jack from Tropic Thunder and I bet he’s just as mentally sharp. Walking around barefoot all the time seems pretty unsanitary to me, but I guess that makes his nickname “Cootie” make sense because he’s probably crawling with germs. Despite getting off to a seemingly bad start with me, something tells me it might be worth taking a chance on this kid. Every baseball team needs a hick on it, and his stats are pretty good. The only concerning stat is his speed, and I assume he doesn’t run well because one of his 14 siblings accidentally shot him while they were hunting squirrels as kids or something else redneck like that. Money goes a long way in the south, so I’m sure I could negotiate his salary down to $1, maybe even .50 cents. But even at $2, he might be worth it.
One of the first things I noticed was that his scouting card is missing a category. There should be an afro option below fielding, and my man Dante here would have 4 baseballs for sure. Another good all around player, his $1 salary might be one of his best selling points. Although I would have to tack on the fact that he requests an endless supply of candy and hamburgers which could easily amass to thousands of dollars before the season ends, we’ll be in touch Dante.
When I first heard we scored a tryout with a kid named Dmitri Petrovich I was excited. I bought some vodka because I was expecting a tough Russian kid with a leather jacket, but when this nerd showed up I immediately wanted to shove him in a locker. It’s as if this kid wakes up everyday, looks in the mirror, and says, “How can I look like a loser today?”. His big glasses and pens in the front pocket are textbook nerd stuff, and even though his stats really aren’t that terrible, this pondexter doesn’t ever deserve to play baseball for me. The reason why I included him on my prospect list is because although I have no use for him on the field, I could really use this kid’s brain for some behind the scenes stuff. Accounting, carrying equipment, cleaning the bathrooms, that sort of stuff. Welcome to the team Dmitri.
As I said earlier this was extremely tough to do. I even went as far to illegally download Backyard Baseball to play some games and try these players out (Take that, laws!) After seeing everybody in action, I was able to make my final decision on which 3 I want to build my dynasty around while staying under within the $10 salary cap
My Core 3
Pablo Sanchez ($6)
Achmed Khan ($2)
Marky Dubois ($2)
Dmitri petrovich (0$)
Well there you have it folks: The key members of what will soon be the most dominant Backyard Baseball team ever devised. I know this sounds premature, but i feel sorry for any team we come across on our way to what will surely be 10 straight championships. I still have to fill in the blanks for the rest of my roster, but with these guys around every game will seem easier than lowering your car insurance rate by switching to Geico (paid advertisement, have to pay the bills somehow). Speaking of baseball, Game 2 of the World Series just started, and as much as I’d like to keep talking about how great my managerial skills in Backyard Baseball are, I’m gonna have to stop here and tune in to the game so peace out y’all. To everybody that didn’t earn a spot on my team, better luck next year. And by that I mean you suck and should just stop playing baseball while you’re ahead. #SoxIn4