It might sound strange, but my favorite thing to do anytime that I’m thirsty is get something to drink. Beer, water, and soda are all viable liquid options to quench your thirst, but as unorthodox as it may be, my go to beverage of choice is milk. Now I should clarify and say I don’t mean I grab for the carton to quench my thirst after going for a run or something like that. I’m not a psychopath, and I try to avoid puking whenever possible, so I’ll settle for H20 in that scenario. When I say milk is my go-to I mean just in general, with the reason being that I fucking love milk. So much so that if I was a cow, I would do daily yoga sessions so that eventually I’d become flexible enough to drink milk out of my own utters. No matter the time or occasion milk has always been reliable, sort of how Tim Duncan was during his tenure in the NBA. But that all changed today. The beverage I thought I knew and loved was hiding a dark secret from me that I consider unforgivable. It turns out that the white liquid we call milk is racist, and white supremacists have somehow been using milk to oppress people of color for years. Don’t believe me? Just check out this completely unbiased and factual article from Peta; A rational group of people that deserve the utmost respect and in no way is comprised only of hippy lunatics who have sex with animals and think the life of a mosquito is equivalent to yours and mine

Well boy do I feel silly. Here I was thinking that I liked milk so much because it’s delicious and promotes strong and healthy bones, but turns out it’s just because I’m a white supremacist who is asserting my perceived racial dominance by drinking this particular beverage. Talk about getting caught by surprise. And don’t even try to deny these findings because all of the evidence is right there in that article I posted above. Haven’t you seen the scene in Inglorious Bastards when they drink milk? Case closed. Racism doesn’t get anymore obvious than that. The color of milk is white for Christs sake! So this means that when I texted my roommate yesterday and said, “Yo can you pick up some milk on your way home?”, what I was really saying was, “Heil Hitler. White people are the dominant race, and anybody that isn’t white should be exterminated”. It doesn’t take an expert decoder to decipher the truly dark meaning behind my seemingly tame request to buy more milk. A large part of what makes milk so racist, according to the article atleast, is that there are people of color that are lactose intolerant and can’t drink it. This was shocking to me, because I had no idea white people couldn’t also be lactose intolerant. I always thought my mom and all the other white lactose intolerant people were faking it, and now I know for sure. I was completely clueless that only white people were allowed to drink milk, and for my years of ignorance to this very serious subject, I am truly sorry.

All I can do now is try to correct my past mistakes and better myself, which is why I pose this question to the all knowing people of Peta: What if I start drinking chocolate milk instead? Will that make me less racist? I’m sure black people would really appreciate it if I consumed atleast one Nesquik a day in place of my usual racist glass of white milk. Strawberry milk is also available, so should I start drinking that to display solidarity with and be more inclusive toward strawberry colored people? Still sounds risky. Maybe, just to be safe, I should only drink water from here on out. The last thing I want to do is accidentally make a white supremacist statement by drinking the wrong colored beverage in public, especially with something as oppressive as milk. Thankfully there are groups like peta around to inform the general public about these very important and definitely not made up societal issues. I’m beyond grateful that Peta was able to take time away from throwing red paint at people and murdering feral cats in their shelters to shed some light on this blatant beverage racism. If I can change, so can you. It’s never too late to make things right, so make sure to only drink water and eat bread from now on to make sure you don’t offend minorities. Oh fuck. I just realized I use white bread too, so I guess my food and drink fueled racism lives on.