The Boston Red Sox Are Heading To The World Series, And I’m Pretty Sure My Penis Just Breathed Out A Sigh Of Relief

Thanks to Kate Upton’s husband letting up both a solo and a 3 run homer last night, the Boston Red Sox are heading to the World Series for the first time since all the way back in 2013. I know we all give David Price more shit than a music festival port-a-potty, but he pitched his heart out last night. 6 innings and no runs in the post season is like a perfect game, so keep it up David. Our bullpen was then thankfully able to hold themselves together with another shutdown performance from Eolvaldi, who I personally would have let finish the game. But instead we went with our closer, and I’ll be honest, when I saw Kimbrel warming up in the pen I considered calling in a bomb threat to Minute Maid Park. Desperate times call for desperate measures, but thankfully he got out of it with another great catch from Benintendi out in deep left center. Not every moment on the road here was pretty, but we’re heading to the World Series nonetheless so let’s fucking go

Now some of you newcomers might be a little confused by the second half of the title of this blog. I know what your dirty minds are thinking, but no, sigh of relief is not a euphemism for jerking off. Although it easily could be, so I’m gonna stick that one in my back pocket for later use. Anyway, I made a sports related bet with myself (Shocking, I know) in a blog earlier this year, which you can read in full here ( The premise was simple: If a Boston sports team doesn’t win a championship this year, I’ll cut off and eat my own dick. High risk high reward, and safe to say I went all in and out my dick on the table with this one, quite literally. At the time I wrote the blog I was high on confidence, which many of you may know as cocaine. Our teams looked hot, but both the Celtics and Bruins didn’t pull it off, leaving now only the Red Sox and Patriots to save my genitals. It’s a tall order, but I think the Sox and Pats have my back on this one, as well as my dick.

It’s a tough job being a Boston sports fan but somebody has to do it. Drinking heavily while watching all of these post season games and then attending the subsequent victory parades can get tiresome, but luckily our fan base is as resilient as Wolverine wearing a suit of armor. We haven’t won a championship since 2017, which is like an eternity in our eyes. Let’s close out a historic season boys. And hey Astros: You have nobody to blame but Bregman for poking the bear with that Instagram post. Didn’t you learn anything from Aaron Judge playing “New York, New York”? Oh well, better luck next year fellas

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