Quick little rant before I head out the door and hopefully return back home as a billionaire. As most of you probably know there’s a record breaking lottery drawing tonight in which the jackpot is over a billion dollars for the first time ever. If you haven’t already bought your ticket I wouldn’t even bother because I bought 5 earlier, and given my impeccable betting record the money is as good as mine. Just now I was mindlessly scrolling through twitter while planning out all the cool shit I’m gonna buy once I win when I saw this absurd article that made me audibly gasp

There are plenty of chiche’s that I hate, but “Money can’t buy happiness” might be the dumbest one out there. Anybody that actually thinks a one billion dollar check getting deposited into your bank account wouldn’t put a smile on your face and drastically improve every facet of your existence is a fucking idiot that doesn’t deserve that kind of money in the first place. What problem can’t a large amount of money solve? Trick question, because it can solve any problem that your imagination can formulate. And don’t hit me with, “What about love?” and shit like that. Money can buy love actually, because with that kind of money you could literally buy somebody and make them love you. I’m not advocating human trafficking or anything, but that’s just a fact.

I think the worst part of this whole thing is knowing that the winner is gonna end up being some old lady that lives in Kentucky that can’t even enjoy the money. Once, just once, I want a young asshole like me to win the jackpot so that the world can watch them live balls to the wall. I’m talking million dollar roulette bets, buying every car imaginable, living on an estate with 100 strippers Hefner style, that kind of shit. Obviously the news would be covering this type of lavish lifestyle and all the antics that go along with it, so it would be like an awesome movie that lasts for about 5 years before they ultimately die from a drug overdose. Now that’s how you spend your lottery winnings. None of this “Save it and spend responsibly” nonsense. Not on my watch. I’ll spend that money before the sun comes up, because that’s how a newly made billionaire is supposed to act. What’s the point of having fuck you money if you can’t say “Fuck you”? Exactly. End rant, and be like this guy