Climate Change Might Eventually Cause A Beer Shortage And Price Hikes

I’ve always been a firm believer in the phrase, “Ignorance is bliss”. There’s something comforting about remaining willfully ignorant to certain things that puts you in an overall better mood. Well today I saw a headline that crushed me like Rosie O’Donnell giving me a lap dance. That headline was this

I nearly collapsed upon reading this. My heart was in my throat and my mind was racing faster than Lance Armstrong during his peak steroid years. Here I was foolishly thinking that beer, Earth’s most valuable resource, would outlive us all and remain abundant forever. But like most things in life, betting in particular, I was wrong.

I’ll be the first to admit I don’t believe every ounce of hype about climate change. I’m not a climate change denier as they call it, but similar to a tequila shot I take it with more than a few grains of salt. I think some of the stats are heavily exaggerated and sometimes get pushed to serve more of a political purpose than a save the planet one. Having said that, if this ends up being true I may have to abandon those preconceived views. The researchers said that fluctuations in weather patterns might cause a major decrease in barley production. No barley means no beer, and no beer makes Drunk White Kid a dull boy. Beer would become scarce and prices would likely skyrocket, leaving people to look like the pigeons at Castle Island fighting over pieces of bread and dropped French fries from Sully’s in order to get their fix. I always thought Hell didn’t exist, but that scenario sounds pretty damn close.

Many people have predicted the end of the world over the years. The Mayans, Nostradamus, and the crazy guy that screams about God On The Red Line, but who would have thought that a lack of beer would be the final nail in the coffin. With this potential disaster in mind, I’d like to officially usher in the hippy Drunk White Kid era. No longer will I sit idly by as we increase our chances of eliminating one of the only things that makes me happy. By working together, we can decrease pollution, lower our carbon footprints, and most importantly, save beer and allow me to get drunk as fuck all the time. Now who’s with me?


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