If you live in New England, chances are you’ve seen the ads or the actual beer by now. For those who are out of the loop, 2 Boston staples (Dunkin Donuts And Harpoon Brewery) teamed up and made a beer together because why the fuck not? Here’s a quick look at this cocktail that I speak of
Like every other masshole I didn’t just want it, I needed it. Well tonight was the night, and while at the packy earlier I saw a six pack of it out of the corner of my eye and I bought it faster than a gullible person buys a good lie. A six pack was 10 bucks, which seems kinda pricy to a guy like me that grew up drinking natty lights and rubinoff (12 bucks a handle, can’t beat it). But I’m an “adult” now, and I guess you’re supposed to buy expensive beer in order to show people you’re sophisticated or something so I played the part. I got home, put the Bruins game on, and prepared to drink what I was hoping would be some kind of delicious bottled coffee that would eventually get me drunk. But what did I get instead? A mouth full of regret.
It tasted as if they took the worst parts of coffee and beer, combined them, and then bottled it up for sale. There’s a sharp, bitter aftertaste to it, and it’s also kinda thick so you can’t even drink a lot of them without turning your stomach into a diarrhea factory. I guess that last part makes sense though because caffeine is a natural laxative and beer always makes me piss out of my ass eventually anyway. Seriously, I could shit through a tennis racket after a night of heavy drinking. Anyway, I couldn’t believe they managed to swing and miss on this idea. Coffee and beer both get brewed, so why does combining them turn it into something that even an alcoholic like me wouldn’t drink? I don’t know where the equation went wrong with this one, but all I know is that 1 + 1 does not equal 2 in this case.
Maybe I’m just a beer purist, but I like it when my beer tastes like, I don’t know, beer. All these fancy flavored beers just aren’t for me, and I think I’ll stick to drinking stiff rum and cokes and cheap, watery beers like I’ve been doing since I was 14. Maybe I’m just a simpleton that doesn’t appreciate craft beers or whatever the fuck they’re called, but I don’t think that’s the case because I love a lot of other Harpoon beers. Camp Wannemango and Flannel Friday or both the bees knees, so I don’t think my taste buds are to blame for this one. I respect the hustle that Dunkies and Harpoon had in going out of their way to do something creative like this, but unfortunately I think I’m gonna stick to drinking my iced coffees and beers separately from here on out. So to Dunkies and Harpoon, just like I said in the title of this blog and like my parents told me many times while growing up: I’m not mad, I’m just disappointed.