“Cocktales” is a song by Too $hort from his 1995 album Cocktails. I know it looks like I made a spelling mistake there, but the song name and album name are actually just homophones. Very grammatical move on Too $hort’s part. This difference in spelling makes sense because the album cover contains pictures of alcohol glasses (cocktails), while the song in question is stories about fucking different girls (cock tales). Too $hort’s entire career be summed up by songs like this. Once you find something you’re good at stick to it, and for Too $hort that talent happened to be writing funny rap songs about sex.
All you washed up hoes tryin’ to throw that P
You’re just a big freak, you better not complain,
When you hear these cocktales and you hear your name
If you a fake bitch, ain’t no thing
I’ll pick up the phone and call Danine.
If I call Marie, I know for a fact
I’m gettin’ fucked in my drop top Cadillac
I met this freak named Naomi
Straight dick sucker worked me and my homies
She had a girlfriend, her name was Vicki
I pulled her to the side and let her suck my dick
She was fine as fuck, but can’t fuck with Tina
Tina, Tina, the sperm cleana
I took her to my house and told her strip
Baby got freaky-started doing the splits.
I said, “Bitch! You can do what you want
Cause this true blue mack won’t even front”.
I fucked her with my finger, she tried to cum
Pussy so tight, it wouldn’t give me none
I’m Sir Too $hort baby couldn’t be no punk
I’m trying to get freaky cause I love the funk
My dick is big and her nigga had a little one,
I didn’t fuck her freaky ass, but it was still fun.
I know you stop and wonder just what it is
It’s the California lifestyle that I live.
My name is Short, my game is long
I freak these hoes and sing these songs.
I know this girl named Annette
Get her all alone and she’ll suck your dick
Hella freaky, won’t say no for shit
You and her all alone, nigga that’s your bitch.
I know another freak her name’s Joanne
I always get the pussy ’cause I know I can
Finest bitch around, ain’t got no man
Every time she cross my mind I go fuck her again.
She’s like another bitch named Christina
Bitch so dumb, I named her misdemeanor
’cause it had to be a crime to be that dumb
I took her to my house and she let me cum in her mouth
You know I did all that shit
She got my number, if she beep me, I’m gonna call that bitch,
And go dig in them guts like a gardener,
If she starts screamin’, I’m gonna fuck the bitch harder.
Cause these are the tales, the freaky tales
These are the tales I tell so well
You don’t like my dirty rap you can go to hell
’cause Short Dogg’s on the mic tellin’ cocktails.
I meet the groupies, hookers like Kathy,
Fucking M.C.’s cause she’s so nasty,
See her backstage trying to throw that ass,
She just like the freaks and she had to pass me that pussy
You can’t stop the bitch
Let her roll on my rolls then I drop the bitch
My name is Short my game is long
I freak these hoes and sing these songs.
I know another girl named Stephanie
Do anything she can to have sex with me
She really don’t bring out the best in me
But I love her fine ass laying next to me
She’s like another freak named Nicole
So damn sprung on my diamonds and gold
I took her to my house, she gave me the panties
I fucked her so good she told her friend named Angie.
Angie called me up about two weeks later
Talking some shit about do me player
So I did her just like Tamara,
Taking naked pictures with my Polaroid camera
Next they told a girl named Rocquelle
Got my skin all under her fingernails
She was diggin’ in my back while I grind the shit
That was way back now I can’t find the bitch
But if I do, I’ll probably do the same again
Break the bitch for everything ’cause I came to pimp.
I’m Too Short baby, I don’t stop mackin’
I grab the microphone and I don’t stop rappin’
You can bet your life as I spit these raps
I’ll be fucking em’ up like that, bitch.
These are the tales the freaky tales
These are the tales that I tell so well
You don’t like my dirty raps you can go to hell
’cause Short Dogg is on the mike telling cocktales!
Shuffle Songs Of The Day Spotify Playlisthttps://open.spotify.com/user/uktsrm7377738r178iaacxnjz/playlist/5zEvXmKpS7QJmK1jDsf45c?si=uGZ87boSSjmXIyGeepPsug