Shuffle Song Of The Day (10/8/18): “Cocktales” By Too $hort

“Cocktales” is a song by Too $hort from his 1995 album Cocktails. I know it looks like I made a spelling mistake there, but the song name and album name are actually just homophones. Very grammatical move on Too $hort’s part. This difference in spelling makes sense because the album cover contains pictures of alcohol glasses (cocktails), while the song in question is stories about fucking different girls (cock tales). Too $hort’s entire career be summed up by songs like this. Once you find something you’re good at stick to it, and for Too $hort that talent happened to be writing funny rap songs about sex.



All you washed up hoes tryin’ to throw that P

You’re just a big freak, you better not complain,

When you hear these cocktales and you hear your name

If you a fake bitch, ain’t no thing

I’ll pick up the phone and call Danine.

If I call Marie, I know for a fact

I’m gettin’ fucked in my drop top Cadillac

I met this freak named Naomi

Straight dick sucker worked me and my homies

She had a girlfriend, her name was Vicki

I pulled her to the side and let her suck my dick

She was fine as fuck, but can’t fuck with Tina

Tina, Tina, the sperm cleana

I took her to my house and told her strip

Baby got freaky-started doing the splits.

I said, “Bitch! You can do what you want

Cause this true blue mack won’t even front”.

I fucked her with my finger, she tried to cum

Pussy so tight, it wouldn’t give me none

I’m Sir Too $hort baby couldn’t be no punk

I’m trying to get freaky cause I love the funk

My dick is big and her nigga had a little one,

I didn’t fuck her freaky ass, but it was still fun.

I know you stop and wonder just what it is

It’s the California lifestyle that I live.

My name is Short, my game is long

I freak these hoes and sing these songs.

I know this girl named Annette

Get her all alone and she’ll suck your dick

Hella freaky, won’t say no for shit

You and her all alone, nigga that’s your bitch.

I know another freak her name’s Joanne

I always get the pussy ’cause I know I can

Finest bitch around, ain’t got no man

Every time she cross my mind I go fuck her again.

She’s like another bitch named Christina

Bitch so dumb, I named her misdemeanor

’cause it had to be a crime to be that dumb

I took her to my house and she let me cum in her mouth

You know I did all that shit

She got my number, if she beep me, I’m gonna call that bitch,

And go dig in them guts like a gardener,

If she starts screamin’, I’m gonna fuck the bitch harder.

Cause these are the tales, the freaky tales

These are the tales I tell so well

You don’t like my dirty rap you can go to hell

’cause Short Dogg’s on the mic tellin’ cocktails.

I meet the groupies, hookers like Kathy,

Fucking M.C.’s cause she’s so nasty,

See her backstage trying to throw that ass,

She just like the freaks and she had to pass me that pussy

You can’t stop the bitch

Let her roll on my rolls then I drop the bitch

My name is Short my game is long

I freak these hoes and sing these songs.

I know another girl named Stephanie

Do anything she can to have sex with me

She really don’t bring out the best in me

But I love her fine ass laying next to me

She’s like another freak named Nicole

So damn sprung on my diamonds and gold

I took her to my house, she gave me the panties

I fucked her so good she told her friend named Angie.

Angie called me up about two weeks later

Talking some shit about do me player

So I did her just like Tamara,

Taking naked pictures with my Polaroid camera

Next they told a girl named Rocquelle

Got my skin all under her fingernails

She was diggin’ in my back while I grind the shit

That was way back now I can’t find the bitch

But if I do, I’ll probably do the same again

Break the bitch for everything ’cause I came to pimp.

I’m Too Short baby, I don’t stop mackin’

I grab the microphone and I don’t stop rappin’

You can bet your life as I spit these raps

I’ll be fucking em’ up like that, bitch.

These are the tales the freaky tales

These are the tales that I tell so well

You don’t like my dirty raps you can go to hell

’cause Short Dogg is on the mike telling cocktales!

Shuffle Songs Of The Day Spotify Playlist

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