You may or may not remember this, but during the spring of 2017 there was a massive fire in Arizona. Coined The Sawmill Fires, 20 different agencies responded to it and it took them nearly a week to put it out. When all was said and done the inferno burned through about 47,000 acres of Coronado National Park and the surrounding area. The start of the fire wasn’t natural, and the authorities knew this right away because the man responsible admitted to it immediately. That man is Dennis Dickey. An off-duty border patrol agent, he called 911 and said that he accidentally started the fire during a party. So how did he start this massive fire exactly? Was this a barbecue mishap where the grill exploded? Combining booze and fireworks? No, it wasn’t either of those classics. This fire was caused by something much dumber than that. He started this blaze because of an over the top gender reveal.
If you aren’t familiar with gender reveals, it’s a new social media phenomenon that I can’t stand. I’m talking “Christopher Reeves Level” can’t stand. Apparently people decided that simply going to the doctor and having them tell you the gender of their baby was too boring, so now they come up with these elaborate ways of finding out if it’s a boy or a girl. For example: Hit a hollowed out ball that then it explodes with either pink or blue powder to show which of the 2 (And only 2) genders the baby is. That’s the most common version I’ve seen, but there are plenty of other stupid ways that people now reveal the gender of their baby instead of just saying “Hey friends and family, we’re having a boy/girl”.
So back to the fire. This genius decided he wanted to get creative and out gender reveal the fuck out of everybody else. How did he do this? Well obviously he decided to incorporate the use of tannerite, a highly explosive chemical, into his gender reveal. His plan was to shoot his rifle at a target with tannerite in it, thinking that it would cause a small explosion with the colored powder of his babies gender because hey, what could possibly go wrong? Well it exploded alright. It exploded like my asshole after a night of Mexican food and cervezas, and the flames went on to burn almost 50,000 acres. Here’s what I imagine Dennis Dickey looked like while while standing there with his rifle in his hand, flames engulfing everything in sight, and the sound of sirens in the distance.
The reason I bring up this story from last year is because they just settled the situation in court. The court ruled he was clearly responsible for the fire and slapped him with a pretty hefty price tag for it: 8 million bucks. After an initial payment of $100,000 he’s gonna have to make monthly payments for the rest of his life. Which brings up a good question: If you were in his shoes, at what point do you just kill yourself? You’re clearly never gonna be able to pay that amount off. I mean shit, even if he hits the lottery a couple times he’d probably still be in debt. Given the latter realization, I think we can all agree that being $8 million in debt doesn’t seem like a great place to be at in life. In fact, I’m gonna take it a step further and say that it doesn’t even sound like a sustainable situation to be in during some type of fantasy world. If I was playing a video game or something and found myself in that much debt, I would quit and never play again, hence all the suicide talk. Working overtime for the rest of your life to pay off a debt that immense is no way to live. I’m not a big suicide guy, but if it’s me in this situation, I would grab a rope and tie a noose faster than a really skilled boy scout that has his knot badge.
I’m not gonna lie but I feel pretty good right now, and I only have this idiot to thank for that. The reason why is because this guy’s debt makes my gambling debt seem like pennies. I was over here bitching about a few teams not covering the spread and this guy just got sentenced to crippling debt payments for the rest of his life. For comparative purposes, he’s basically paying monthly child support for the rest of his life to a bunch of trees that aren’t even there anymore because he burned them down. I like nature too but sometimes you just have to forgive and forget. Or in this guy’s case, live in regret until you finally man up and kill yourself. It’s your move Dennis, but before you go I just wanted to say thanks for making me feel better about myself. I really appreciate it. And to answer the final question that I’m sure is on everybody’s mind, turns out the gender of his baby was actually just a giant fire that destroyed his life and makes him really wish he pulled out instead. Congrats Dennis!