You may or may not remember this, but during the spring of 2017 there was a massive fire in Arizona. Coined by the media as The Sawmill Fires, 20 different agencies responded to it and it took them nearly a week to put it out. When all was said and done, the inferno burned through about 47,000 acres of Coronado National Park and the surrounding area.
The fire wasn’t natural, and the authorities knew this right away because the man responsible for starting it admitted to it immediately. That man was Dennis Dickey: An off-duty border patrol agent that called 911 and confessed that he accidentally started the fire while hosting a party at his house.
So how did he start this massive fire exactly? Was it a strange barbecue mishap where the grill exploded? Did he try to put on some sort of fireworks show after drinking 20 beers? No, it wasn’t either one of those classics, and this fire was caused by something much dumber than both of those. In truly embarrassing fashion, he admitted that he started this gigantic blaze because of an over-the-top gender reveal.
If you aren’t familiar with gender reveals, it’s a new social media phenomenon that I can’t stand. I’m talking “Christopher Reeve Level” can’t stand (Sorry Superman)
Apparently people decided that going to the doctor and having them tell you the gender of their baby was too boring, so nowadays people are hosting these gender reveal parties where they do some sort of elaborate stunt to find out if it’s a boy or a girl. The most common example is for the wife to throw a hollowed out ball filled with either pink or blue powder, and when the husband hits it, it explodes and shows everybody which of the 2 (And only 2) genders the baby is. Seems like a lot of needless extra work to me, and I’d rather just text everybody and say, “Hey friends and family, we’re having a boy/girl!”
So getting back to the story at hand, our man Dennis here decided that he wanted to get creative and have the ultimate gender reveal. To do that, he decided to incorporate the use of tannerite—a highly explosive chemical—into his gender reveal.
His plan was to fill a target with tannerite and then shoot it with a rifle, because there’s no way anything can go wrong with a fool-proof plan like that. He thought it would cause a small explosion with the colored powder of his baby’s gender, but instead, it exploded with the same raw power that my asshole does after a night of Mexican food and cervezas, and the explosion’s subsequent flames then went on to burn almost 50,000 acres of land
Here’s what I imagine Dennis looked like while standing there with his rifle in his hand, watching the flames engulfing everything in sight, with the sound of sirens in the distance
The reason I bring up this story from last year is because they just settled the situation in court. The court ruled he was clearly responsible for the fire, and slapped him with a pretty hefty price tag for it: 8 million bucks. After an initial payment of $100,000, he’s gonna have to make monthly payments for the rest of his life.
This brings up a good question: If you were in his shoes, at what point do you just kill yourself instead? He’s clearly never gonna be able to pay that amount off, and the rest of his life will now suck because of these payments. I mean shit, even if he hits the lottery a couple times, he’d probably still be in debt.
Given that realization, I think we can all agree that being $8 million in debt doesn’t seem like a great place to be at in life. In fact, I’m gonna take it a step further and say that it doesn’t even sound like a sustainable situation to be in during some type of fantasy world. If I was playing a video game and found myself in that much debt, I would turn the game off and never play again, which is basically the video game version of killing yourself. Working overtime for the rest of your life to pay off a debt that immense is no way to live, so if I was in this situation, I would grab a rope and tie a noose faster than a really skilled boy scout that has his knot badge.
It shouldn’t, but this story makes me feel really good. The reason why this makes me feel good is because this guy’s debt makes my gambling debt seem like pennies. I’m always bitching about a few teams not covering the spread or whatever, but this guy just got sentenced to crippling debt payments for the rest of his life.
In a way, he’s basically going to have to pay monthly child support for the rest of his life to a bunch of trees that aren’t even there anymore because he burned them down. I like nature too, but sometimes I think you just have to forgive and forget, or in this guy’s case, live in regret.
And to answer the question that I’m sure is on everybody’s mind, it turns out the gender of his baby wasn’t a boy or a girl; it was actually a giant fire that destroyed his life and will make him wish he pulled out instead and never had a gender reveal party in the first place. Congratulations Dennis!