With Fall officially here and Halloween a little over a month away, Six Flags locations across the country are currently hosting their yearly Fright Fests inside of their parks. Fright Fest is basically just a bunch of horror themed attractions like haunted houses and shit along with the usual Six Flags rides and it’s a pretty good time. Six Flags St. Louis decided to kick the scariness level up a notch this year by holding a unique contest involving coffins. The aforementioned contest involves 6 people who will try to stay trapped inside of 2 by 7 foot coffins for 30 hours straight. Sounds pretty shitty to me, so there must be a huge payout, right? Nope, not even close. This horrible claustrophobic experience will only get you $300 and some Six Flags passes
I’ll take “Things that aren’t worth it” for 500 Alex. Are they fucking serious with this? I’m a broke piece of shit, but even I wouldn’t subject myself to this for only 300 bucks. I pulled out my calculator to crunch the numbers, and turns out this only works out to 10 bucks in hour. That’s lower than minimum wage in MA, and atleast at a shitty minimum wage job you can fuck around and not be laying motionless inside of a tiny box. I think my favorite part of this story is that they’re gonna have no problems finding people to compete in this. There’s probably a line around the block filled with morons that are willing to climb inside of coffin for 30 hours just to get 300 bucks in return. What a world.
I’ve done a lot of different things for money throughout my life. I’ve slaved away in supermarkets, babysat drunk people in bars, waited tables, and also sold drugs (Which was easily my favorite job). My bank account is running thin at the moment, but even I’m not desperate enough to climb inside a coffin for 1 1/4 days just for 300 bucks. $3,000 maybe, but $300 is way too low. What’s next Six Flags: You gonna offer people 100 bucks to get stabbed by a guy wearing a Michael Myers mask? If I’m being honest, I think I would rather participate in the stabbing contest idea than the coffin one. I always thought the meaning of life was to avoid laying in a casket, but I guess in St. Louis that definition doesn’t apply. A cool idea would be for them to put cameras inside of each coffin and livestream what the people are doing during their 30 hour ordeal. A few words of advice to the contestants:
1. Don’t eat any Taco Bell before getting in the coffin. The only thing worse than being stuck in coffin for 30 hours would be having to shit or shitting yourself inside of said coffin
2. Take a shitload of Xanax and knock yourself out for the full 30 hours. Drugs are cool, and Xanax makes sleeping pretty awesome. You’d probably wake up feeling the most refreshed you’ve ever felt
3. Download the movie “Buried” on your phone so you can watch it if the Xanax doesn’t work. If you haven’t seen it, Ryan Reynolds wakes up buried alive inside of a box and it seems like it would be relatable. Or download some Pink Floyd. I don’t know why but Pink Floyd seems like great “I’m trapped inside of a coffin” music, especially while high as fuck on Xanax. Just out Comfortably Numb on repeat and it’ll be over in no time.
4. Bring a fleshlight. I know coffins are tight, but if you’re determined enough I’m sure you could still jerk off to pass the time. Hell, might as well try to break the masturbation record while you’re at it and get 2 birds with one stone
5. Find a dead body and enter them into the contest. They’ll win easily, and when they do you can be there to collect the prize on their behalf
6. Don’t enter this stupid fucking contest because the payout isn’t even remotely worth it. Just do what everybody else does and work at a job you hate to make your money. Or gamble. I don’t know, just don’t climb into a coffin for money, that’s the main point here