The WNBA playoffs has been going on for the past few weeks now, and like most people I haven’t watched a second of it. The WNBA Finals came to a conclusion recently and, continuing on with my previously stated behavior pattern, I watched something else instead. The reason why I bring up the WNBA is because it’s players have been very chatty in recent years and it needs some realistic addressing that only an asshole like me can provide. There’s been a lot of talk about how they don’t get the same money or attention that male players do, to which I laugh at their inability to see that they’ve already answered their question for why that is. Being the straight shooter that I am I’ve decided to help the girls out with understanding this wage gap and decreased viewership problem that they speak of. The reason why men get paid more than women is because they are way better at basketball, thus making the NBA far more entertaining and profitable than it’s female counterpart.
Mind blowing information to process I know, but those are the facts. The WNBA is about as competitive as a game of BINGO at my grandma’s nursing home. Come to think of it, it might less competitive. Obviously more people would rather watch tall black guys swish 3’s and dunk on eachother rather than a bunch of women bounce pass and miss open layups. It’s quite honestly hard to believe, but a lot of WNBA players don’t agree with my factual claim about men Vs. women on the basketball court. I know this is from a few years ago, but this headline says it all when it comes to how delusional WNBA players are in their abilities
This was a headline on Sports Illustrated from right before the 2016 Olympics and it collectively made the world laugh out loud. Brittany Griner (Never heard of her) claimed that she could beat NBA star Demarcus Cousins (Have heard of him) one on one. Here’s what the US Men’s team had to say about this preposterous claim
First things first somebody should check inside of her shorts for a dick because her voice is deeper than the Mariana Trench. Secondly, statements that crazy used to get people thrown into sponge filled rooms with a strait jacket on back in the good old days. I’ve said some pretty stupid shit during my time on this earth, but I’ve never said something as outlandish as that. If Demarcus Cousins and Brittney Griner played a game to 21 and Brittney started at 15, Cousins would win 21-15, maybe even 21-14 because he would outplay her so badly she would somehow lose a point. The guy at the end of the video had the right idea with his referee comment because her only chance would be getting foul calls. Still, I would bet my bank account, dick and balls, and soul on Demarcus Cousins winning that matchup, and it would probably be the safest bet I’ve ever made.
Which brings me to the questions I posed in the title of this blog: Would you rather have to go to a WNBA game or have cancer? If it’s me, I’m taking cancer every time. Lung, colon, brain, you name it I want it. Just give me the fucking cancer already. Atleast cancer would be interesting, way more interesting than a WNBA game. There’s chemo, hospital stays, pondering your mortality etc. Dying of cancer sounds like a walk in the park on a sunny day compared to sitting through 32 minutes of women’s basketball. If my cancer ridden body was lying in a hospital bed and my room’s TV had a WNBA game on, I would immediately beep for the nurse and then request that she smother me with a pillow. If that makes me sexist, oh well. In this scenario I just died from cancer, so stop making fun of dead people who recently died from a chronic disease you sick fuck. Who’s the asshole now?
I know the haters (Of which there are many) will call this a mysoginistic take, but the truth hurts sometimes and facts don’t care about your feelings. If you think men and women are equivalent athletically you’re an idiot and there’s no point in trying to explain reality to you. And this isn’t me saying women shouldn’t be allowed to play sports and have their own leagues either. Have all the leagues you want, just shut your trap when it comes to how much money the more skilled and commercialized male players are making. I feel like I’m stating the obvious here by saying men are biologically stronger than women but some people just still don’t get it (Cough bitchy feminists cough) Am I wrong in saying that men are stronger than women? No I’m not, and there’s a reason why the NFL, NBA, MLB, And NHL don’t have any women in them. Male sports are and always will be more competitive than female sports, making them more watched and profitable. If you don’t like hearing that, write to your local congressman about it so he can laugh and then throw your letter in the trash. Alright enough being an honest asshole for one night. I’ve got beers to drink, male sports to watch, and mistakes to make. Peace out y’all, but I’ll leave you with this hilarious headline that sums up the legitimacy of my argument and never fails to make me laugh
And yes, that’s real. The Newcastle Jets, an Under 16 boys soccer team, beat the Australian Women’s National Team 7-0