With summer officially winding down I figured it was time to throw this blog up because if not now than never. One of the plus sides of having a friend group as stupid as mine is that there is never a shortage of interesting conversations. The most recent of these random convos came a about a week ago while smoking a blunt at my friend’s house. It was hot as balls out and my friend Shawn randomly said, “I really wish an ice cream truck would come down the street right now”, leading all of us to nod our heads in collectively stoned agreement. However, that simple statement sparked an argument amongst my white friends and I that became so contentious you would have thought we just heard the OJ Verdict. I haven’t stopped thinking about it since this argument happened and I’ve decided to finally put it in blog form to hopefully get some feedback on the matter. The question arises again: What was your go-to choice at an ice cream truck as a kid?
ME- Chips Galore/Chipwich etc.
I’ll start off the debate with what I think is clearly the GOAT. Name doesn’t matter because I know they vary, but I mean the giant cookie sandwich with ice cream in it. I consider these the cleanup hitter of the ice cream truck selection board. There was no better feeling than running to the ice cream truck and grabbing one of these bad boys after going 0-4 in my little league games back in the day. I’d also like to give a very big honorable mention to the Chipwich’s cousin, the very similar Oreo ice cream sandwich.
My friends laughed in my face for this pick, but if eating oversized cookie sandwiches filled with ice cream is wrong I don’t wanna be right.
SHAWN- Choco Taco
The originator of the topic at hand, my friend Shawn came out hot with another ice cream truck classic and chose the Choco Taco. These were never really for me because I was never much of a nut guy as kid, but I can’t hate on this pick at all because these were undoubtably a hot seller back in the day. These things probably don’t even exist anymore because I’m sure some idiots out there have accused the makers of cultural appropriation or some bullshit by now. Could you imagine being offended by an ice cream snack? I hope these are still in circulation, and if they aren’t, sad!
DAVE- Firecracker/Bomb Pop
My buddy Dave let his patriotism show and chose another classic treat: The Firecracker or Bomb Pop. A red, white, and blue popsicle with 3 different flavors was definitely a 4th of July favorite, but I think he’s been hitting the crack pipe for choosing this as his go-to ice cream truck snack. He also reminded us that he stopped getting them for awhile back in the 4th or 5th because we had all just found out about blowjobs and kept calling him gay for eating these. I don’t remember this at all, but he claims our name calling made him stop eating the popsicles he liked just like Jonah Hill in Superbad. Bullying is so fucking cool.
My friend Joey went with a more generic version of the Choco Taco which is known as a Drumstick. I’m not sure if he doesn’t know about the existence of the superior Choco Taco, but I decided not to say anything out of fear of hurting his feelings. Once again I’m not a nut guy so I’m not too big on these, but I knew that this was gonna come up eventually. A plus about these was that they’re small and usually cheaper than the other choices so you could easily double up. If quantity over quality is your thing, not a bad choice. There was also a shitload of fudge at the bottom of the cone that was always a hidden bonus and tasted orgasmic enough to give even my 9 year old self a hard on.
Cartoon Characters With Gumball Eyes
I’d be doing a disservice if I didn’t give these a shoutout. They were usually superheroes or other famous cartoon characters, and if you ever wanted to chew on Spiderman’s eyeballs for some reason you were in luck because they were made out of gum in this instance. These were more for show than anything, which is funny because they never actually looked like the characters they were supposedly portraying. The faces would always melt in the ice cream truck at some point in time and the colors would run, creating what looked like a goth kid’s face after crying all of his makeup off. If you don’t believe me, why don’t you just ask Dora and Spongebob
Pop Ups/Push Ups
These are the only kind of pushups that out of shape fucks like me still enjoy. Similar to the Drumstick, these were a great choice for quantities sake. They were like 25-50 cents each and usually had a lot of good flavors to pick from. When available, it was Flintstones push ups or GTFO. Yabba Dabba fucking Do
Fudgesicles And Ice Cream Sandwiches
2 honorables mentions for 2 absolute classics. I was lucky enough that my mom kept the freezer at my house stocked with these 2 growing up so I never really had a reason for getting these at the ice cream truck, but they undoubtably deserve credit here. I don’t have an ice cream truck history book in front of me right now, nor do I know if such a thing exists, but I’m sure these 2 were the OG menu options when pedophiles first started driving vans filled with ice cream around in search of children.
These were always a bit of a special find because not all ice cream trucks had a sno cone machine, but when they did it was worth it. As a kid I would always see commercials for the at home sno cone maker, and despite my many pleas, I never got one. I guess I could buy one now but it just doesn’t seem as cool to have at age 22 as it would have been at age 8. I don’t know why, but somehow pouring flavored dye onto ice tastes fucking incredible and sno cones are all the proof you need for that statement
Luigi Italian Ices
Sort of a guido variation of the push pop, these were always a sneaky great choice in the summer. The lemon one especially was pretty much a frozen lemonade pop, and it hit the spot like a bullseyed dart whenever it was hot as dick out. These were another frozen snack that my mom kept fully stocked in the freezer growing up, and as I write this blog I’m realizing my mom deserves an honorable mention for her frozen treat shopping abilities.
Miscellaneous Non Ice Cream Honorable Mentions
Even though it was essentially like sticking a piece of chalk in your mouth, nothing made you feel cooler as a kid than buying a pack of candy butts. The white powder these things were coated with made your mouth look eerily similar to Tyrone Biggums’s yet I would still buy them for some reason, leading me to believe that maybe they did have nicotine because I was seemingly addicted to them despite their awful taste. I doubt they’re allowed to make them anymore because of Above The Influence and the anti-cigarette lobbyists, which might be a good thing because these were definitely a good marketing campaign seeing as my friends and I smoke like chimneys in the winter
Stink Bomb packs
Farts are funny, we all know this. That’s why it always made perfect sense as a kid to buy these bags that would explode and make the surrounding area smell like shit. I still remember buying a bunch of these from an ice cream truck and setting them off inside of a Wendy’s with my friends when I was about 11. Stupid yes, but hilarious at the time to a bunch of 5th graders, and if I’m being honest still pretty funny to me today
Big League Chew
Greatest gum of all time and anybody who disagrees can chew on one of the above stink bomb packs. It was mandatory to have a pack of this shredded gum on you during Little League if you wanted to at all be taken seriously. The kids that didn’t chew this stuff were the same kids that played right field and struck out in tee ball. Big League Chew also had a tobacco flavor that was meant to help people quit dipping but that plan backfired big time. Instead it just got kids accustomed to chewing tobacco and had us all packing bombs by the time we left Little League. For that reason, I’m sure the inside of my bottom lip has a bone to pick with tobacco flavored Big League Chew
Fake Dog poop
Not really much to say about this one. It was just rubber dog shit but for some reason they were always for sale, and similar to farts, poop is also funny. Good for a prank I guess, and definitely better than stepping in actual dog shit. Billy and his friends would approve of the premise here, but would likely attest that the payoff is better with the real stuff
So there ya have it: My friends and I’s choices along with some honorable mentions to the classics. Let me know If I missed your favorite or anything else you think deserved a spot on the list in the comments. As for me I’m gonna go sit on my front porch and wait for an ice cream truck to come by, but given that its 60 in Boston right now I might be shit out of luck.