Supermarket Deli Employee Charged With Felony Theft For Doing Nothing Wrong

That’s the article but don’t click it cuz I don’t support ABC after what they did to my uncle Charles when he forgot their backwards order when he got pulled over for no good reason other than having thirteen whiskey sours and a couple Jameson shots at my nephews quincinera.

So the story is this chick works behind the deli at a supermarket and for the past 8 years she has (allegedly, but also admittedly, but still alllegedly) been eating three to five slices of deli ham per day. Over that 8 year span, the total amount of deli meat was calculated by some nerd-narc to about $9,200. Because it added up to so much they charged her with felony theft and are giving her the electric chair. True story it’s in the article but still please don’t click on it.

First things first, fuck Big Supermarket. This particular chain, “Giant Eagle” (sounds made up or maybe it’s just a midwest chain which in that case the sodium levels in the deli meat must be sky high) are a bunch of C-words. That’s right. If you work at a fucking supermarket you should be alowed to steal one thing per day and a slice of deli meat should only count as like .05% of a thing. Do you know how many slices they probably throw out per day? I don’t know but probably more than 3to5. More like 24.5 would be my honest estimate.

I used to work at a supermarket and I stole so much shit. (I really did but for legal purposes I have to pretend like that was a lie) Working at a supermarket is literally the same as giving up on life I swear to god, next time you’re food shopping look at the workers. I mean actually look at them. They are depressed as hell, every one of them.

People dont take mental health seriously these days, and supermarket employees are a key example of a forgotten group that will quite possibly commit a mass atrocity in which people will then go to twitter and say things like, “you never know who’s going through a tough day so be nice to everyone” or “we need to do better as a society” to show the world that they have feelings. which is why I propose that supermarkets either buy every employee one (1) prostitute, male or female depending on worker’s preferance, at the end of each quarter or at least allow them to steal up to $8 worth of product per day. Minimum.

These are my thoughts, and you read them.

-Budd Dwyer. Pce n luv


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