Despite drinking heavily and sitting on my ass eating wings all day yesterday, I woke up this morning feeling pretty damn good. With the Patriots victory in mind, I headed to one of the many Dunkies in my neighborhood to grab a coffee and kickstart my day. The correlation between the Patriots winning and my coffee run is because of a deal that Dunkies has been doing for a few years now. The original deal was that the day after every Patriots win medium coffees were free, but as of last year the deal transformed into medium coffees costing a Gronk inspired $.87 the day after a win. I was upset when that initial price jump happened, but what I experienced today blows that out of the water. I ordered a medium iced, cream and 2 sugars ofcourse, only to gasp with disbelief when the kinda hot goth girl behind the counter said “That’ll be $2.69”. “But the Pats won yesterday” I rebutted to the ex Hot Topic employee, also envisioning having wild sex with her while listening to some Slipknot or something like that. She told me they aren’t doing that deal this year and it upset me so badly that it even halted the sexual fantasy I was having about her. You know how they always say you remember exactly where you were when something shocking happens to you? Well thats where I was, my neighborhood Dunkies, when I learned that fans would no longer be getting discounted coffees the day after the Patriots win.

When I got home I immediately looked it up and found some solace in the fact I wasn’t the only masshole who felt betrayed this morning. Unfortunately the news was true and Dunkies decided to get rid of the deal this year with not even so much as an explanation. I like to atleast get taken out to dinner first before getting fucked, and if not for a lack of time and the fact I’m not a psychopath I would have called customer service to search for answers and voice my displeasure. I’m assuming they stopped doing it because the Patriots win too often, leading to a loss of profits because every masshole and their mother then heads to Dunkies on Monday mornings for a discounted coffee. But why should we be punished because the Patriots are so fucking good? It’s not our fault that our team nonchalantly butt rapes the NFL every year and dances their way into the playoffs without as much as even a sweat broken. Plus Dunkies knew exactly what they were getting themselves into with this deal when they first decided to rely on the Patriots performance to decide their coffee prices. They knew of the dominating nature of the Pats, so it’s a pretty wack move for them to eliminate the deal because of their lack of foresight.

Just like a parent looking at their kid’s D and F riddled report card; I’m not mad, I’m just disappointed. As somebody who gets a coffee or 2 from Dunkies everyday this deal made Mondays suck a little less during the football season. Dunkin Donuts is currently in the midst of their Sip, Peel, Win contest, which is basically just a piss poor attempt at copying McDonald’s Monopoly game and is in no way a worthy replacement for axing the Patriots coffee deal. I’m still holding out hope that Dunkies will do the right thing here and bring it back at somepoint during the season, even if it’s only half off or something like that. But in case they don’t and wanna play hardball, I suggest everybody writes their local congressman and demand something be done about this immediately. Fuck solving the drug or gun problem, lets tackle the real issues and get some discounted coffees back into the hands of Massholes like me as soon as possible.