Today I had an appointment with my eye doctor for the first time in 10 years. The reason for said appointment was that for the past few weeks or so my vision has been similar to if Stevie Wonder opened his eyes underwater in a heavily chlorined pool. I’ve also been getting persistent headaches which I at first just attributed to my usual hangovers, but I don’t think hangovers last for a month. If you’ve ever been to an optometrist then you know the drill. Basically they look at your eyes under a microscope as if they were a petri dish in a highschool chemistry class. Part of this process involves dropping this special liquid in your eyes to makes your pupils dilate to the size of quarters, and it reminded me of putting Visine in my eyes back in the day so that my teachers wouldn’t know I was high. It helps the doctor get a better look at your eyes, but it also makes your vision extremely blurry. Here’s what I looked like leaving his office
You can’t see a damn thing clearly for about an hour after those drops, and even now 3 hours later my eyes still feel weird. Luckily the doc said I don’t need glasses or any of that shit, but this experience made me realize something: I just couldn’t see myself being a blind person (See what I did there?)
Above puns aside, not a chance I could snake it as a blind guy. I’m already stupid as is and now you wanna add that I can’t see either? Fuck that. I’d be as vulnerable as a kid with a peanut allergy eating dinner at Texas Roadhouse. I’d probably develop agoraphobia and just never leave the house because I wouldn’t trust anything around me. I would last 5 days tops if I was seeing black before I either killed myself or worked up the courage to go for a walk, only to inevitably get smoked by an Asian who just blew a stop sign. I know that some people might say that stereotype is “offensive” or “100% true”, but Asians are the highest percentage of drivers that run over blind people, just take my word for it.
Before today I never really gave credit where credit was due to blind people. Living an everyday life while not being able to see would be harder than a priest at a playground, so next time you see a blind guy just give him 20 bucks because they deserve it. Don’t believe me? Put on a blindfold and try walking around your house for 30 minutes. Even if you walk hands out like Frankenstein’s monster trying to feel everything you’re still bound to knock over a lamp or step on your cat or something, and that’s maneuvering around a place you’re familiar with. Could you imagine trying to get around outside while only being able to see the back of your eyelids? Exactly. You’d fall down an open sewer shaft faster than a rabbit gets fucked.
So even though they won’t be able to read this, here’s my shoutout blog to all the blind folks out there. I experienced partial blindness for a few hours today and I just wanted to let you know I feel your pain. To really show my commitment to the cause, I’ve decided I’m going to set up a lottery to donate my eyeballs to a lucky blind person when I die (Or two if they wanna take one eye each). To apply for this promotion just write me a letter explaining why you think you deserve my eyes more than everyone else. Since everybody is blind and won’t be able to see what they’re writing, the most incoherent pairing of letters will win. Good luck guys, and please for the love of fucking God let’s all pray that the Red Sox cover -2.5 tonight.