I know the title sounds like an Onion article but I promise you that it’s a just a case of ironic hilarity. This is a real story that happened about a week ago and I figured I’d offer up my thoughts on the whole thing. First things first, I am similar to Cartman from South Park in the sense that I fucking hate hippies. There’s nothing worse than people who incorrectly assume that they’re smarter and better than everybody else just because they eat salads and like to fuck trees. I don’t know who keeps pissing in their bowl of Cheerios every morning but it seems like hippies wake up and leave their houses (more likely vans) just itching to bitch about something every single day. That is unless ofcourse you’re talking about the evils of the world, because in that case they bitch in the opposite fashion. They’ll immediately drop the joint roach they’re smoking and try to tell you that evil doesn’t even exist and everybody loves eachother and all that other hippy shit. Just ask these 2 right here
This millennial couple from DC decided to quit their office jobs and travel the world instead. Now I’m not gonna hate on that move one bit because it actually sounds pretty cool and I envy that choice. What I do hate is their seemingly ulterior motive for doing so. Turns out the boyfriend, Jay, (He’s on the left in the picture, had to clarify because it’s 2018) had himself a little blog. There’s some relatable posts on there, such as how he hates his job and would rather travel. But there’s also plenty of other stuff on there that makes this entire situation make way more sense. In these other posts it is clearly evident that him and his girlfriend were very sick. Not with cancer or AIDS, but with something much, much worse: Stupidity. Here is one of many quick excerpts from his blog that really exemplifies the severity of their condition.
“Evil is a make-believe concept we’ve invented to deal with the complexities of fellow humans holding values and beliefs and perspectives different than our own”
“Ah, now I see” says the blind man. This wasn’t just some out of the blue biking vacation to see places they’d never seen before. This was merely a ploy to document their travels in different parts of the world in an attempt to solidify their idiotic view that evil doesn’t exist. Turns out evil is actually just some made up term that racists use because they don’t understand different cultures, right Jay? “The world is great and everybody is always nice to eachother, just let us show you!” they both exclaimed upon leaving the safety and superiority of the Western World to venture into places that for your own safety you probably shouldn’t even visit on Google Earth.
Their “The world is all smiles and rainbows” campaign was going pretty smoothly for a little bit, but what happened next makes me think they probably should have hired a different vacation planner. They decided to visit a little shithole that myself and people who pay attention to current events like to call Tajikistan. Tajikistan is located on the northern border of Afghanistan, and it’s well known that the mountainous areas of both of these countries are littered with ISIS insurgents and other extremist groups. Doesn’t really sound like a fun place to visit, but not to these two. I mean, what could go wrong right?
Besides everybody with a brain, who could have possibly seen this outcome coming? “ISIS” and “Murder” in the same sentence sounds like an oxymoron, and even as I type this I can’t believe that such upstanding and morally rich people like ISIS would do such a thing to Americans who were stupid enough to bike through their territory. Jay and Lauren would have been able to vouch for the kindness of ISIS, but unfortunately they couldn’t be reached for comment on account of their throats being slit by the very monsters they were pretending didn’t exist. To anybody who feels bad for them, consider this: That would be like me claiming that something as factually existent as trains don’t exist, and then acting shocked when I get hit by a train because I tied myself to railroad tracks. The word irony exists for moments like this.
Now I know this sounds a lot like I’m making fun of these two, and that’s mainly because I am. Survival of the fittest makes the world go round, and thinking that bike riding through ISIS territory is a good idea is about as unfit to survive as it gets. It doesn’t take a brain surgeon to know that there are certain no-go zones in the world, and precisely where they decided to ride their 10 speeds through is probably top 3 on that list. Despite what Jay’s blog posts attempted to make you believe, there is plenty of evil in the world, case and point the terrorist savages who killed these two. Fuck ISIS above all, but if you knowingly enter their territory don’t act shocked when you encounter these animals and they react with animalistic behavior. This is exactly what everybody else is thinking but I’m the only one with the balls to say it apparently. If rightfully calling these two morons for biking through an ISIS training ground and then subsequently getting murdered for it makes me an asshole, then so be it. I’d rather be an asshole that tells the truth than a pussy that lies.