For all of those who are wondering, I’m currently living out my usual Saturday afternoon tradition of being hungover as absolute fucking balls. It’s raining dead cats and dogs in Boston right now, and it’s providing me with the perfect background setting for melting into the couch and watching TV for the foreseeable future. Come to think of it, I look and feel like the girl from that old Above The Influence commercial.

Today’s program of choice has been the Little League World Series, and despite not being a catholic priest, I sort of enjoy watching little kids play baseball for some reason. I was hoping that the games would deliver me a nostalgia high that would bring me back to my glory days on the baseball diamond, but instead it kinda pissed me off. The reason? Because the Little League World Series is filled with pussies now.

(Huge RIP to Lee Ermey)

Some people might think that I shouldn’t talk shit about 12 year olds, but those people couldn’t be more wrong. Like I mentioned in my Virginia blog yesterday, my girlfriend is also 12 years old so I feel as though I should be allowed to talk freely about her classmates.

I know I’m only a little more than a decade older than these kids, but I couldn’t help but feel like this while watching the games today

It seems that the purpose of the Little League World Series has changed from what it always used to be when I was growing up. Instead of trying to be a good team that wins games, it seems to be more about “having fun” and “displaying sportsmanship” these days. What the fuck happened to the world? I saw so many examples of kids congratulating their teammates after they made an error or struck out and it made wanna puke worse than my hangover did. If a kid made an error during a game back in my day, the coaches and team would all berate him in order to make sure he knew he fucked up, and if he doesn’t want to get his ass kicked, he probably shouldn’t do it again. Tough love is still love, and getting chewed out every now and again is an excellent way to learn a lesson.

Perhaps the worst thing I witnessed today was when a kid hit a ball so far he’s probably gonna have to piss in a cup after the game to check for PED’s. As he was victoriously rounding the bases after his homerun, the other team proceeded to high five him, including the pitcher.

When I saw that, I wanted to jump through my TV screen and kick that entire infield in the balls, which probably wouldn’t have affected them very much because they all clearly have vaginas where their man parts should be. Are you fucking serious with this? If a kid on the other team embarrasses you by crushing a ball over the fence, the last thing you should be doing is congratulating him. When that pitcher walked over and high fived the kid that just made him his bitch via homerun, he solidified the fact that he’s gonna be a virgin for the rest of his life. The only excuse to shake an opponents hand after a homerun is if you spit or pissed on it beforehand, and in that case, play on playa.

I know I sound cynical right now, but that’s mainly because I’m hungover and I am. The world is getting softer by the day, and after seeing these kids “compete” today, it became abundantly clear to me that their generation doesn’t have what it takes to right the sails and guide the ship back to shore. Our world is lost in a sea of politically correct bullshit and people that have “Everybody’s a winner” attitudes. Just like Trump would say in one of his many hilarious tweets, “Sad!”.

However, there was one thing I thoroughly enjoyed about sitting on my ass all day watching children’s baseball, and that was all the crying. Every now and then a kid would strike out or make an error and immediately start bawling his eyes out like he just found out he’s adopted. Now that’s entertainment, and I could watch that shit all day. In fact, I’m just realizing that I have been doing that all day. I loved it so much that anytime it happened, I would rewind it and watch it a few more times so I could relive that kid’s tears for my own enjoyment. I’m a simple man who enjoys simple things, and if laughing at some kid that’s crying during a baseball game is wrong I don’t wanna be right.

I guess I sort of overstated the obvious by saying that the LLWS is full of pussies because the entire world is basically just one giant vagina these days. I do have to offer a bit of an olive branch to some of the kids in the tournament though because not all of them suck. Some of them are capable of breaking away from the pack of kids that are gonna grow up to amount to nothing and have a shot at being cool.

So to close out this blog, here are some shining examples of Little League World Series legends that are gonna go on to have more sex than a rabbit that ate a bottle of Viagra.