Football season is a little over a month away from now, and the anticipation for that first kickoff has me fidgeting on the couch like a tweaked out meth head with Parkinson’s Disease. I need some Patriots football badly, almost as badly as I need to develop healthier coping mechanisms than jerking off and binge drinking all the time. Since February I’ve just been using booze to wash the bad taste of Super Bowl 52 out of my mouth, but I think a fresh start is the only thing that’ll truly cleanse my pallet. Just when you thought the Anthem protests were gonna be the most annoying talking point in the NFL for the third consecutive year, they decided to throw us all a 12-6 curveball. For the first time in league history, teams will have male cheerleaders on the sidelines. Given how level headed and non overreactive this country is, I’m sure it will go over well.
I’ll start this off by saying from a strategic standpoint I can 100% see having dudes on your cheerleading squad, because despite what feminists will try to tell you, men are stronger than women. So even though I’m no cheerleading expert, having dudes throw and catch cheerleaders is way better for flips and whatever the fuck else cheerleaders do. However, we all know that NFL cheerleaders don’t do any of that competition crap. NFL cheerleaders have one job and one job only: Be hot as fuck. Cheerleaders are only there to dance around in skimpy outfits and make the male and lesbian fans drool and want to fuck them. Seeing as the vast majority of NFL fans are straight men, I don’t really understand how bringing in the cheerleaders from The Longest Yard is a great idea, but what do I know? (besides everything ofcourse)
It’s quite obvious this is just one of the many attempts to make the world more inclusive or whatever, but can we please for the love of God just leave some things the way they are? There’s a reason there aren’t a lot of male cheerleaders out there, and it’s not because we aren’t capable of doing it. It’s because cheerleading was and always has been a thing for hot chicks to do, not people with dicks between their legs. I’m convinced that the NFL is just trying to piss off and alienate their fan base at this point. Do you really think Jim Bob from rural Louisiana is gonna be thrilled when he sees a dude in a skirt prancing around with pom poms at halftime? Fuck no. He’ll probably spill his Budweiser and swallow his chewing tobacco out of pure shock the first time he sees it. And this isn’t a homophobic take either because I don’t give a shit which of the 2 and only 2 genders you wanna have sex with. This is just me being a football purist that wants to watch men give eachother concussions while attractive women shake their tight, perfectly symmetrical asses on the sidelines. Is that too much to ask? Apparently so, but that’s 2018 for ya.