Quick History Lesson: On This Date 73 Years Ago, The United States Bombed The Shit Out Of Japan

Being the history buff that I am, I’d basically be skipping work if I didn’t reflect on the historical significance of today’s date. On August 6th, 1945 the United States launched a never before seen attack on the Japanese city of Hiroshima, thus sparking the beginning of the end of World War II. I know we all learned about this stuff back in school , but if you’re anything like me you were probably too high to pay attention or properly ingest what really happened. For that reason I’m gonna host a quick refresher course, only difference being that I’m gonna use the real facts of what happened and not what those history books told you. From this point forward class is in session, Drunk White Kid presiding.

At the end of April 1945, Hitler gave his Luger pistol a blowjob and Cobain’d himself at his bunker in Berlin (Allegedly). Not to sound like Alex Jones but all the non-sheeple like myself know that Hitler and many other high ranking Nazis all escaped Germany and went to Argentina to most likely embark on careers as professional soccer players or cocaine producers, but enough about that. A little over a week after Hitler’s “suicide”, Germany finally admitted that they were the Allied forces bitch and formally surrendered from combat. By now it was pretty much the entire world vs. Japan, so everybody figured that the war was going to officially end soon. Instead, Japan taught us all an important lesson in the following months: Japanese people are fucking insane.

In hindsight, this should have already been common knowledge due to the fact they’d already used suicidal pilots to attack Pearl Harbor. Emperor Hirohito said that they had no intention to surrender, and made it clear that Japanese soldiers and civilians were prepared to fight until potentially none of them existed anymore. Wild shit, but I’d be lying if I said I didn’t respect it. The war with Japan continued on, and the Allies had already suffered massive casualties taking the island of Iwo Jima a few months prior (7,000 Marines killed, 20,000 injured). Through the help of cinema, misinformation, and the iconic flag raising photo, a lot of people think Iwo Jima was a huge US victory. In reality, Iwo Jima didn’t offer us much of a strategic advantage, and in the end only proved that a ground invasion of Japan was going to be virtually impossible without millions of people dying. Being the philanthropist that Truman was, he decided the most humanitarian option we had was to turn a few hundred thousand civilians into ash in order to save lives.

The United States had been developing and testing nuclear weapons for years through a top secret program called The Manhattan Project, which sorta sounds like it could be the title of a corny romantic comedy about a group of single women searching for love in New York City. I can see the movie poster now: 4 women around a table, laughing and clinking their wine glasses together with the words “The Manhattan Project” in bold letters written overhead. Anyway, the next thing the US government had to do was decide where exactly to drop these awesome bombs they just made. You would think there would have been some type of strategic approach or detailed discussion of where best to deploy these massive explosions, but that couldn’t be further from the truth. What really happened was Truman put a map of Japan onto a wall, ripped 6 consecutive shots of whiskey, and then threw 2 darts at the map. Where did those darts land? You guessed it: Hiroshima and Nagasaki. Now that we had our targets, it was time for the Enola Gay (Not that there’s anything wrong with that) to fuel up for one of the most important missions in the history of modern warfare. Beginning on August 6th we dropped 2 atomic bombs on Japan 3 days apart from eachother, turning both areas into a pre-Chernobyl Chernobyl because of how much radiation they gave off. To say that the people of Hiroshima and Nagasaki were less than enthused about this whole situation would be an understatement. Everybody in the blast area pretty much shared the same sentiment, and if you don’t believe me the look on this Hiroshima resident’s face says it all.

The bombs killed an estimated 200,000-250,000 people in total, so to put it bluntly, they were a huge success. Not wanting to face the possibility of he himself being vaporized in a 3rd explosion, Emperor Hirohito swallowed his pride, as well as a load from Harry Truman’s penis, and surrendered. With the conclusion of this historic oral sex act, World War II officially came to an end, and there was much rejoicing

USA! USA! USA! Sorry Japan, but a win is a win and I’ll be damned if I don’t celebrate the anniversary of my home team’s victory. Now I know some people will describe my reaction and retelling of the final months of World War II as “cruel” or “not even close to accurate”, but sometimes the truth hurts. So don’t blame me, blame history, because at the end of the day “Those who don’t learn history are doomed to repeat it”-Quote I just made up.

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