A zoo in Cairo, Egypt has come under fire recently after a picture went viral that allegedly shows a painted donkey being passed off as a zebra. Here’s the photo:
Now I’m no animal expert, but that is 100% a painted donkey. Who painted this thing, Michael J. Fox? It’s like they didn’t even try to make it look real, and it’s pretty obvious that whoever painted this beast can’t hold a brush without shaking if their life depended on it. Interestingly enough, this isn’t the first time a zoo has done something like this. In 2013, a Chinese zoo got caught trying to pass off this dog as a lion.
My biggest takeaway from this story is that I couldn’t believe that a dog in China was fraudulently in a zoo and not on somebody’s dinner table, but I digress. Obviously there’s a lot of fake outrage when stories like this break, but I’m gonna offer up a different stance by saying I fucking love this move. I think more zoos should be doing this in an attempt to increase the number of animals they have on site. A zoo doesn’t have any polar bears? Just lather a regular bear with some white paint and there ya go. A zoo doesn’t have any unicorns? Just superglue a cone to a horse’s head and use the rest of that white paint and just like that you’re the only zoo in the world with a unicorn. A trip to Home Depot to pick up a can of pink spray paint can turn a goose into a flamingo in a matter of minutes. The possibilities are virtually endless as long as you’re creative and don’t give a shit about the well-being of animals.
All this talk about disfiguring living things in order to trick people and profit has got me thinking I should start my own zoo. I’ll just take a bunch of boring, every day animals and turn them into more interesting ones that people would be willing to pay to see. I’d become the Dr. Frankenstein of zoological experiments, and the best part is it’s 100% legal as long as I don’t get caught doing it. I’m hoping to have my zoo open by next month, but here’s a quick rough draft of an advertisement for it.
“Come one, come all to the newly opened Drunk White Kid’s Animal Sanctuary. We have a vast collection of creatures for you to view, including hippos, giraffes, koala bears, midgets, reptiles, and many more. Anybody that questions the legitimacy of my animals will be hung upside down from their dick until closing time, and then they’ll be shot. Another big rule is I ask that you please don’t have sex with any of the animals without first offering me a large sum of money. In that case, you can fuck whatever animal you want, but for hygenics sake please pull out. Anyway, if you’re looking for a day filled with family fun and staring at animals in makeshift cages, come on down to my backyard today! *Safety not guaranteed*”
Now I’m no marketing whiz, but based on that brief description my zoo is gonna be the talk of the town, maybe even the universe. I’m sure PETA will bitch about my animal sanctuary, but they can also eat a bag of dicks. PETA’s opinions are kinda like girls with small tits: Worthless. If anybody wants to help me get this show on the road, feel free to donate some money or your old, unwanted pets. So far all I have is this lion, but with your help my zoo could be filled with plenty more knockoff animals faster than you can say, “You’re going straight to Hell”.