Today is The Belmont Stakes, which is one of the most famous events that involves a bunch of horses running around in a circle. Per usual, you bet your ass I’m betting on this race. My knowledge of horses extends only to the fact that they make a nay sound and can run fast, but despite this I do wanna offer up some betting advice to the readers. My betting advice is simple this year: Don’t listen to any of my advice.

I am a horrible gambler, and I’m so deep in the hole right now I’m gonna hit China soon. Your best chance in winning some money today is to literally fade every horse that I picked (With the exception of Justify because that’s a gimme). I decided not to get as crazy as I got for The Kentucky Derby, and I only threw money on 3 horses this time.

Win- Justify (4/5 odds), for pretty obvious reasons. He’s been an absolute stud recently and is definitely gonna close out the triple crown this year.

Place- Bravazo (8/1 odds), because I like the name. I also saw this funny Onion article earlier that solidified this pick.

Place- Gronkowski (12/1 odds), because I’m a Pats fan and because today is June 9th. With the date being 6/9, there’s no way a horse named Gronkowski doesn’t have a good race.

There ya have it: The picks that are gonna make me punch a hole in my wall later on tonight when I lose again. Race starts at 6:46 folks, so get those bets in and get those beers flowing. We’ve got horses to watch and money to lose just like The Mush from A Bronx Tale (AKA me)