Everybody’s favorite place to have an early breakfast at 3 AM while blackout drunk threw us a major curveball today with this cryptic tweet.
Have to take this tweet with a grain of salt though, especially considering the hacking of the Buffalo Wild Wings twitter account earlier this week
The internet has been abuzz about this news, and this sudden name change has brought more questions than answers. One of the most common questions that’s come out of this is, “What does the b stand for?”. The most popular answers I’ve heard so far are breakfast and burgers, and although those probably are what it’ll end up being, I have a few suggestions on what the b should really stand for in order to make the International House Of (Blank) the best restaurant in the world.
International House Of Booze
I’ve never written a blog without mentioning alcohol, so it’s no surprise that booze is the first suggestion on my list. Everybody that eats at IHOP is drunk anyway, so they should just keep the party going by serving booze. Everybody knows food tastes way better when you’re drunk, so this strategy would also help the place get way higher, albeit sloppily written, Yelp reviews.
International House Of Boobs
Its a no brainer why Boobs would be a great addition to the menu at IHOP. Hooters has already proved that big tits put asses in the seats, no matter what the quality of the food is. For that reason, having some big breasted waitresses serving up pancakes to drunk patrons 24 hours a day would make more stacks of money than Pablo Escobar’s hideout.
International House Of Blow Like Rick James once said, “Cocaine’s a hell of a drug”, and if we’re gonna have booze and big tittied waitresses everywhere, it only makes sense that cocaine should also be present. As mentioned before, IHOP is open 24/7, and the majority of its business comes from people after a night of bar hopping. There’s no better way to keep your drunk customers coming back for more than to serve them rails of coke. Just remember that the white stuff on your pancakes isn’t sugar, so don’t be surprised if your lips get a little numb while you’re eating.
I have way more suggestions, but since IHOP isn’t paying me to come up with their business ideas (yet), I’m gonna stop there. Essentially, I wanna turn IHOP into a drug-infested strip club that serves pancakes because that perfectly encapsulates the type of people that eat at IHOP in the first place. Anybody that goes to IHOP sober is certifiably insane, and we should remove them from society for everybody’s safety. Another random thought: Police should set up DUI checkpoints at IHOP because they would be able to get so many drunk drivers off the road. Do what you will with that information @police. Anyway enough talk about IHOP. Guess we’ll just have to wait til June 11th to find out what the b stands for, but fingers crossed it stands for either booze, boobs, blow, or better yet a combination of all 3.