After years of somehow staying relatively skinny while consuming a steady diet of unhealthy food and alcohol, it appears that my metabolism has finally reached its breaking point and can’t support me the way that it used to. I had a really good run there for a while, but unfortunately, I’ve gained a lot of weight recently
It all started a few months ago, but I didn’t take any of the warning signs seriously because I was layered up all winter and considered myself to be in peak dad bod form. But lately, my dad bod has slowly morphed into a Homer Simpson like beer gut, and with each passing day I look more and more like a pregnant teenager who is too afraid to tell her parents she’s knocked up. On a scarier note, I’ve even noticed that I’m starting to get boobs. Seeing as I’m not a 14 year old girl going through puberty, I’m not exactly excited about my tits getting bigger
I tried going on a diet a few weeks ago, but I lasted about as long as I do in the bedroom. Healthy food sucks ass, and that’s why the worst kinds of people eat them (Vegans, hippies, etc.) If I wanted to eat a bunch of leaves and shit, I could just put a bunch of grass from my yard on a plate and call it lunch. It would probably taste the same as a salad, and atleast that way I would save some money eating food that I hate.
I’ve also tried exercising, but that honestly might suck worse than dieting. I haven’t played sports since highschool, and these days I feel out of breath when walking to the fridge, so I doubt I’m gonna be able to turn into a fitness guru anytime soon. Lifting weights is a huge waste of time, and if I really want muscles I’d rather just take steroids like all my favorite athletes did back in the day. And running? Fuck that. I would rather have the runs than go for a run on a summer day. Trying to get back into shape sucks, and here’s what I look whenever I try to exercise
I’ve also tried cutting down on booze, but the thought alone made me crave a rum and coke at noon time. I’d rather be a fat, funny drunk white kid than a healthy, boring sober white kid, so that idea is getting crumpled up and thrown in the trash. Atleast if I’m drunk I can trick myself into thinking my body isn’t as gross as it is, which is partly why alcohol is man’s best friend right beside dogs.
So there ya have it: Your beloved Chuck Taylor is becoming fat right before our very eyes. I’d say I’m not gonna sweat it, but in reality I’m sweating all the time now. Oh well, way she goes I guess. I have no plans on changing my lifestyle and I’m just gonna wing it like I’ve been doing my entire life. Because at the end of the day, isn’t getting fat the true evolution of man?