The title says it all folks. After years of staying skinny while abusing booze and fast food, my metabolism finally shit the bed and I’m gaining a lot of weight. Sad! It started a few months ago, but I didn’t take the warning signs seriously because I was layered up all winter and was in peak dad bod form. But recently, my dad bod beer gut has slowly morphed into a Homer Simpson stomach. I sorta look like a pregnant teenager who is too afraid to tell her parents she’s knocked up, and the worst part is I can’t even just head down to my local abortion clinic to solve my weight problem like she could. On a scarier note, I’ve even noticed that I’m getting man boobs. Since I’m not a 14 year old girl going through puberty, I’m not exactly excited about getting bigger tits.
I tried going on a diet a few weeks ago, but I lasted about as long as I do in the bedroom. Healthy food sucks ass, and that’s why the worst kinds of people eat them (Vegans, hippies, jews etc.) If I wanted to eat a bunch of leaves and shit, I could just put a bunch of grass from my yard on a plate and call it lunch. It would probably taste the same as a salad, so I might as well save some money.
I’ve also tried exercising, but that might suck worse than dieting. I haven’t played sports since highschool, and these days I feel out of breath when walking to the fridge. Lifting weights is a huge waste of time, and I’d rather just take steroids like all my favorite athletes did back in the day. And running? Fuck that. I would rather have the runs than go for a run on a summer day. Trying to get back into shape sucks, and here’s what I look when trying to exercise
I’ve also tried cutting down on booze, but the thought alone made me so nervous that I instantly made a rum and coke. Drinking makes life better, and the day I quit booze is the day I stop breathing. I’d rather be a fat, funny drunk white kid than a healthy, boring sober white kid, so that idea is getting crumpled up and thrown in the trash.
So that’s the scoop: Your beloved Drunk White Kid is becoming Fat Drunk White Kid right before our very eyes. I’d say I’m not gonna sweat it, but in reality I’m sweating all the time now. Oh well, way she goes. I have no plans on changing my lifestyle, and I’m just gonna wing it like I’ve been doing my entire life. Because at the end of the day, isn’t getting fat the true evolution of man?