It seems that after years of staying skinny while abusing booze and fast food, my metabolism has finally shit the bed and I’ve gained a lot of weight recently. It started a few months ago, but I didn’t take the warning signs seriously because I was layered up all winter and was in peak dad bod form. But lately my dad bod beer gut has slowly morphed into a Homer Simpson stomach, and I sorta look like a pregnant teenager who is too afraid to tell her parents she’s knocked up. The even worse part about that realization is that I can’t even just head down to my local abortion clinic to solve my weight problem like she would be able to. On a scarier note, I’ve even noticed that I’m getting man boobs. Since I’m not a 14 year old girl going through puberty, I’m not exactly excited about getting bigger tits.
I tried going on a diet a few weeks ago, but I lasted about as long as I do in the bedroom. Healthy food sucks ass, and that’s why the worst kinds of people eat them (Vegans, hippies, etc.) If I wanted to eat a bunch of leaves and shit, I could just put a bunch of grass from my yard on a plate and call it lunch. It would probably taste the same as a salad, and atleast that way I would save some money eating food that I hate.
I’ve also tried exercising, but that honestly might suck worse than dieting. I haven’t played sports since highschool, and these days I feel out of breath when walking to the fridge, so I doubt I’m gonna be able to turn into a fitness guru anytime soon. Lifting weights is a huge waste of time, and if I really want muscles I’d rather just take steroids like all my favorite athletes did back in the day. And running? Fuck that. I would rather have the runs than go for a run on a summer day. Trying to get back into shape sucks, and here’s what I look whenever I try to exercise
I’ve also tried cutting down on booze, but the thought alone made me crave a rum and coke at noon time. I’d rather be a fat, funny drunk white kid than a healthy, boring sober white kid, so that idea is getting crumpled up and thrown in the trash. Atleast if I’m drunk I can trick myself into thinking my body isn’t as gross as it is, which is partly why alcohol is man’s best friend right beside dogs.
So there ya have it: Your beloved Chuck Taylor is becoming fat right before our very eyes. I’d say I’m not gonna sweat it, but in reality I’m sweating all the time now. Oh well, way she goes I guess. I have no plans on changing my lifestyle and I’m just gonna wing it like I’ve been doing my entire life. Because at the end of the day, isn’t getting fat the true evolution of man?