I’m Getting Fat

It seems that after years of staying skinny while abusing booze and fast food, my metabolism has finally shit the bed and I’ve gained a lot of weight recently. It started a few months ago, but I didn’t take the warning signs seriously because I was layered up all winter and was in peak dad bod form. But lately my dad bod beer gut has slowly morphed into a Homer Simpson stomach, and I sorta look like a pregnant teenager who is too afraid to tell her parents she’s knocked up. The even worse part about that realization is that I can’t even just head down to my local abortion clinic to solve my weight problem like she would be able to. On a scarier note, I’ve even noticed that I’m getting man boobs. Since I’m not a 14 year old girl going through puberty, I’m not exactly excited about getting bigger tits.

I tried going on a diet a few weeks ago, but I lasted about as long as I do in the bedroom. Healthy food sucks ass, and that’s why the worst kinds of people eat them (Vegans, hippies, jews etc.) If I wanted to eat a bunch of leaves and shit, I could just put a bunch of grass from my yard on a plate and call it lunch. It would probably taste the same as a salad, and atleast that way I would save some money eating food that I hate.

I’ve also tried exercising, but that honestly might suck worse than dieting. I haven’t played sports since highschool, and these days I feel out of breath when walking to the fridge, so I doubt I’m gonna be able to turn into a fitness guru anytime soon. Lifting weights is a huge waste of time, and if I really want muscles I’d rather just take steroids like all my favorite athletes did back in the day. And running? Fuck that. I would rather have the runs than go for a run on a summer day. Trying to get back into shape sucks, and here’s what I look whenever I try to exercise

I’ve also tried cutting down on booze, but the thought alone made me crave a rum and coke at noon time. I’d rather be a fat, funny drunk white kid than a healthy, boring sober white kid, so that idea is getting crumpled up and thrown in the trash. Atleast if I’m drunk I can trick myself into thinking my body isn’t as gross as it is, which is partly why alcohol is man’s best friend right beside dogs.

So there ya have it, your beloved Drunk White Kid is becoming Fat Drunk White Kid right before our very eyes. I’d say I’m not gonna sweat it, but in reality I’m sweating all the time now. Oh well, way she goes I guess. I have no plans on changing my lifestyle and I’m just gonna wing it like I’ve been doing my entire life. Because at the end of the day, isn’t getting fat the true evolution of man?

46 comments

  1. Are you still going to be laughing when hippie grass eaters are banging your girlfriend because you’re too fat, sick, or dead? Who wants to even be around someone who’s sweat smells like bacon and bovine breast milk, nonetheless date them?

    Liked by 1 person

      • The only steak dinner date I’d agree to is one that the meat was dog meat. Maybe you have a dog we can use? Since you obviously value needless morbidity in your meals that should be exceptionally exciting for you.

        Liked by 1 person

      • No I don’t have a dog. I used to, but I got really hungry one day after work and didn’t feel like going to the store. Really sucks you won’t agree to my date offer though, you seem like such a fun person that definitely doesn’t push their bullshit beliefs onto others

        Liked by 1 person

      • Plants are in fact not victims. Plant species do not have the ability to suffer, based on their lack of sentience (conscious awareness and ability to feel pain); this is due to their lack of central nervous systems and brains.

        The issue is not life, it is suffering. Needless suffering more specifically.

        Liked by 1 person

      • Why did you feel the need to put the definition of sentience in parenthesis? Did you just assume I didn’t know what it meant because I’m a man? Please stop womansplaining things to me you bigot.

        Also, there’s been recent science that suggests some plants can feel pain, so stop lying to yourself you murderer.

        Liked by 1 person

      • Nothing in that article (the one linked in the yahoo post) discredits the fact that plant species can’t suffer and aren’t sentient; an anatomical reaction to external stimuli and the existence of neurotransmitters are not what produce consciousness or pain receptors (aka the ability to suffer). That is not a recent report, I’ve seen it and others like it before.

        Liked by 1 person

      • They can, and I don’t care. I like eating mushrooms because they make me trip balls and have a great time. I don’t care about the ethics of eating naturally growing substances for recreational purposes. Survival of the fittest, and despite my recent wait gain, I am still fitter (great pun btw) than some mushroom growing on a piece of cow shit

        Liked by 1 person

      • So it’s cool for me to cause whatever suffering to whoever I please if I like doing it ?

        You think going to the store or drive through in your vehicle and buying fried chicken and steaks and dairy makes you fit? That is the opposite of survival, it’s pathetic. And disgusting. At least just admit that you’re wrong and then I cant argue with that, but trying to defend that is just dishonest.

        Liked by 1 person

      • Appreciate you calling me pathetic because I’d rather eat a steak than a blade of grass for dinner. I don’t know how you haven’t been able to tell, but it’s called humor. A joke. Have you ever heard of one? Because I honestly don’t think you have based on your responses and overall vibe. Also, how much do you weigh? Because I think I’m still in better shape than you despite getting fatter recently

        Liked by 1 person

      • Technically I called the action you take pathetic, not you personally.

        I’ve never eaten grass and can’t remember the last time I had a salad. Your misconceptions about veganism are really astounding.

        I use humor all the time when trying to point out how wrong someone is, the only difference is that you’re the wrong one in this case.

        Liked by 1 person

      • That would be like me saying “Veganism is pathetic” and then claiming I’m not calling you pathetic. That’s how words work: You say something is a certain way, ergo people who engage in that behavior are that way.

        And nah, I know everything I need to know about veganism: Vegans are full of themselves and look down on people who aren’t, which you have displayed perfectly.

        And what am I wrong about exactly? My post was a humorous post about me getting fat, and you being the annoying vegan that you are, Came in and started spouting your beliefs because you love the attention you get from letting people know you’re a vegan. Newsflash Amanda: Nobody gives a fuck about your dieting habits or what you have to say about our dieting habits. Just keep eating dirt and I’ll keep eating meat. Deal?

        Liked by 1 person

      • It would be like you saying the actions of vegans are pathetic, which I would be eager to hear the explanation of.
        But my apologies if you found that offensive.

        So everyone who is vegan is full of themselves? Even if that were true, I dont see how that discredits veganism itself ?

        If getting your feelings hurt or getting offended is more important than hearing someone’s message about avoiding needless slaughter, and them conveying that message is “looking down” on the people who fund the suffering, then so be it; why should we not look down on wrong behavior?

        This is not about my diet or about me at all, it’s about victims suffering and dying without justification. If that triggers some then call me guilty, but a meat eater getting triggered is nothing like a vegan having to see the hundreds of billions of lives ended every single year and having to hear “I LIKE STEAK!” as the excuse for it.

        Liked by 1 person

      • People kill animals and eat them: Always have and always will. You are in the minority, and saying “Everybody that eats meat is a bad person” isn’t an effective way of getting people on your side.

        And yes, if you were to take a poll about what most people thought about vegans, I guarantee they would agree with my “nose in the air, holier and smarter than thou” description.

        And lastly, I’m not triggered at all. I’m still gonna eat meat all the time because I don’t give a shit what some vegan stranger has to say about it. Shit, I might actually eat meat more now after having this conversation just out of spite. I’ve been fucking with you this entire time and you somehow thought this was a real argument that you were “winning”. Enjoy eating delicious leaves and acorns for the rest of your life, and I’ll be just fine over here eating the carcasses of slaughtered animals (As you put it)

        Liked by 1 person

      • People have always killed each other, raped children.. Kicked trees since apparently they suffer now too. This isn’t a justification for knowingly causing unnecessary suffering.

        What most people think about a group really doesn’t invalidate the group’s core message. Not needlessly using or killing tends to be a morally superior position, that shouldn’t be a surprise.
        Again, I dont eat leaves or acorns so that personal attack doesn’t even apply. I simply look after myself and encourage others to as well, which makes me holier than thou for some reason.

        Everything I’ve said still stands, at least just man up and admit you don’t care that you’re wrong so we can be done here.

        Liked by 1 person

      • But there is nothing wrong with eating meat, and you saying that I’m wrong is a perfect example of your vegan “I’m better than you” philosophy. It’s impressive that you don’t see that flaw in your logic. But I guess that’s what happens when you have your head up your ass all the time and only eat tofu and shit. Enjoy your miserable life of trying to control what other people eat. I’ll just be chilling eating steak, drinking beers, and minding my own business like a normal person

        Liked by 1 person

      • So there’s nothing wrong with farming and killing dogs, cats, hamsters, giraffes, bunnies and horses for meat? Even though we can thrive on a vegan diet?

        Again, this isn’t a personal thing about me or you at all, this is about a message; it’s a positive message about saving the lives of innocent victims and cleaning up your health if you would just listen and hear it.

        Liked by 1 person

      • I think that nature is a hierarchy, and humans happen to be at the top of the food chain. As for thriving on a vegan diet, most vegans I know have the physique of a stick figure and would blow away if a gust of wind came. Meat is good for developing muscle mass and overall body structure, despite what you might think. And I hear your message: I just don’t agree with it and I’m gonna keep eating meat

        Liked by 1 person

      • Most animal product consumers I know are overweight.
        Certainly nothing like true apex predators out there ripping animals throats out with their teeth and eating raw dead bodies, fur and blood and all.

        I wonder, does seeing a hurt, limping baby cow on the side of the road make you want to rip it open and feast on it as it slowly dies in the process? If you’re really hungry maybe?
        This is precisely how natural hunters eat their food. And even THEY dont drink their prey’s breast milk.

        Liked by 1 person

      • If you want people to mind their business about your diet, why post a piece complaining about being out of shape and making a dig at people who are fitter and healthier than yourself? The joke is after all on you with that one

        Liked by 1 person

      • The blog was about me gaining weight, and was a joke. Not surprisingly, YOU made it all about veganism, because that’s what vegans do. They yap about their diet and how much healthier they are and I don’t give a shit about what you have to say

        Liked by 1 person

      • Eating a poor diet is the cause of weight gain. No one gained weight by sitting around eating a clean diet.

        Again, this is not about me. It’s about the victims. Just because someone talks about health does not mean they are attacking you. It’s saying facts, how can facts be offensive

        Liked by 1 person

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