I Know How To Stop The Violence In Jerusalem

Israel and Palestine have been arguing over Jerusalem for like a million years now, and I for one am sick of it. At this point, they’re basically just 2 preschoolers that both want to play with the same toy, but instead of crying and pooping their pants, they kill each other. This conflict needs to end, that we can all agree on, but once again I seem to be the only one using his brain on what to do. Due to this, here is my proposal: Let me have Jerusalem.

By making me the sole owner of Jerusalem, these 2 can’t bitch about who really owns it anymore, so it’s a win win for everybody involved. The Gaza Strip would see peace for the first time ever, and I would become the owner of a very large and historical city. Catch me sitting in a throne in the middle of Jerusalem like

Once I’ve assumed power, my first decree would be that the only fighting Palestinians and Jews are allowed to do is boxing matches. Let’s be real: Jews and Palestinians will always hate eachother, that isn’t going anywhere. But instead of bombs and guns, I’d make them settle their centuries old instilled hatred like men. Using fists instead of weapons will ensure that innocent kids don’t die in suicide bombings for absolutely no reason, and if I’m not mistaken, is a good thing. I would obviously televise the boxing events and become a millionaire, because in addition to being a drunk king, I’m also an asshole who wants to profit from the controlled violence I just created. Pay Per View for each fight would cost 100 of whatever currency Jerusalem uses, which I hope is a lot because I’m too lazy to look up a converter. Here’s a live look at the world when they find out the toughest Palestinian and the toughest Jew are about to go 10 rounds in a boxing match

People may think I’m making light of a serious situation, and they’re half right in saying that. Yes this violence is very serious, but it’s also been going on forever and will literally never end unless we start thinking outside the box like I just did. Let me be king of Jerusalem for like a month, I’ll create peace/a profitable boxing market, and will save the day once again. On that note, time to hit the campaign trail for my candidacy as king of Jerusalem.

Drunk White Kid 2018: “Not Palestinian or a Jew, but I do know what’s best for you”

If my idea doesn’t work, which isn’t likely, they should just flip a coin at this point. It’s been thousands of years, Jews get heads, Pals get tails, and let’s settle this conflict once and for all with a best 2 out of 3 coin flip series.

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