Will Not Beating Off Make You Cool?

So it’s been six whole days since I choked my chicken, cranked the snake, or participated in a skin-flute solo. Whatever your local jargon is, I mean to say that I haven’t been unleashing 250 million knuckle babies all day, everyday. To some, this probably seems “wicked fuckin’ gay.” (tried googling ‘wicked fuckin gay’ to find a funny picture… nothing funny about the search results.)


Backstory: After a post bate sesh, I was in the typical lazy hump watching recommended YouTube videos until my eyes were bleeding. One video was typically interesting though. It was an interview between two dudes about how one of them hadn’t played his piss pipe in over 400 days. And no he wasn’t a priest. Just woke up one morning and realized he was through with emptying his coin purse. Guy claims to have much more clean energy, confidence, and some weird sort of aura where chicks notice him (probably cuz his sack is the size of a balloon.) Not sure if I buy into this whole thing, but I could use some extra energy without blowing my heart out from caffeine doses high enough to make Tony Montana squirm.

The trend seems popular on forums like Reddit, and they call it “NoFap.” A bunch of dudes spout their monk-like wisdom, and share their newfound wizardry powers after abstaining from personal pipe fitting. The first goal is day 1, and it makes up to day 3 seem easy. Then cums (edit: comes) day 7, followed by 14, 30, and 90. From what I can tell, day 7-30 seems like the sweet spot where people really begin noticing changes in their lives. Mental clarity, increased awareness, and the dissolving of social anxiety are just a few extremely common side effects.

Being a relatively shy dude in social situations, I figured I’d give it a go. I don’t wanna turn into the suburban dad that’s so scared of his shadow that he has to eat a Xanny bar every time he hits the supermarket. Without any further adieu, I stopped greasing my hog. Hasn’t been a week yet, but I’m pretty proud of myself. I mean, who hasn’t gone more than 2-3 days without hitting the hammer since they were like 12? And I don’t know if I’ll see any real differences, or if I’ll make it long enough to notice them. But hell, I’m gonna try. And if I die trying… spit on my grave, because I’m a fool for not enjoying the little pleasures that life has to offer. But if I become the master of my own horn, I’ll be damned to spread the good word.


Some notable dudes who didn’t/don’t spank the spam: Steve jobs, Marky Mark, Gandhi, Mike Tyson, 50 Cent, Muhammed Ali, Nikola Tesla, Michelangelo, etc… Now I know this is basic correlation, not causation, but fuck I’ll give it a whirl.

If this trend keeps up and/or I turn into Superman, I’ll toss out a few updates out.

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