I’d wager to say that if birds had hands, they would wipe back to front. I mean they can even make me look smart. For instance, if I could fly you would never catch me hitting windows. Know why? Because I understand what a window is. Birds are so fucking dumb they don’t even get the concept of glass, let alone windows. But I wanna make this clear, I don’t hate birds. They look kind of cool sometimes, make a great meal (when they aren’t doing the cooking), and they’re pretty much hip new dinosaurs that won’t kill you.
“So Scoop, why all the hate for birds suddenly?”
Mainly because I’m being a bigot in the bird world. Seagulls man, they’re just homeless people that fly. Jaunting through the sky at a moderate pace just waiting to beg for all you’ve got, and then shit on you when you least expect it. Honestly, I’m surprised those animals didn’t steal my BMX bike when I was a kid, or leave dirty needles in all the wrong places. Fuck it, we should just start an opioid epidemic among the seagull community. Then they’d all just pack up and migrate to Florida for cheap Oxy.
And would you just imagine being raised by a bird? Kids are raised by wolves pretty frequently (according to my internet sources), and they end up more normal than most suburban kids with pill problems. I digress. So you’re a human baby, and your parents are eating plastic bags, licking windows, and puking their left over Chinese food into your mouth. Call me crazy, but I’d rather be raised by Casey Anthony.
After all this hate to the bird community, quick shout outs for you fellows. I want to thank birds for eating much more evil animals (Mosquitoes, ticks, spiders). Without saying it, shout out to Turkeys for the best holiday around. For real I love thanksgiving so thanks turkey bros. And I guess vultures are cool too for eating dead animals that would likely cause some car crashes.