I don’t know if it’s the half frown/half smile thing or those “Fuck me to some Beethoven” eyes of hers, but Mona Lisa just really does it for me. The more I stare at this painting, the more I grow from a soft 2 to a fully hard 4 and a half inches. I mean, just look at her:

She’s a 16th century smokeshow. A fine piece of ass that is still the most looked at painting ever made. I know it’s tough to tell under her modest clothing and awkward pose, but you just know she has nice tits. If I had to throw a letter on them, I’d say they’re atleast C’s. And you just know Leonardo DaVinci was hitting that. Definitely spit some awesome game at her like, “In order to really capture your essence, I need to feel you inside and out” or some smooth artsy shit like that.  Mona Lisa was probably giving Leonardo DaVinci head while he drew the Vitruvian Man because he’s a fucking boss. Drawing priceless art and banging smokes, that’s all Leo D knew how to do. I bet you there’s a naked version of Mona Lisa out there somewhere, but some art snob is hoarding it to himself. What a selfish prick. Sorta like the Holy Grail, I’m gonna start a search party and look for the naked Mona Lisa despite not knowing if it even exists, because that’s how bad I wanna see her naked.

If most people had a time machine, they’d probably do something lame like go to Woodstock or try to stop Hitler. My choice would be simple: Go back in time to the 1500’s and bang Mona Lisa. Sure, seeing Woodstock or stopping the systemic genocide of millions of people would be alright I guess, but being inside the vaginal (Possibly anal) walls of Mona Lisa would be way better. Imagine getting to be eskimo bros with DaVinci? That in itself would probably get you laid. DaVinci was so famous back in the day, and I’m sure smokes like Mona Lisa were just one of his many bootycalls. The guy probably couldn’t even walk down the street without women removing their Renaissance-era clothing and begging him for dick. Just thinking about being in that guy’s entourage is giving me syphillis, but it would be worth it as long as I was constantly slaying smokes like Mona.

I act like banging Mona Lisa would be an easy task if I had a time machine, but I know the harsh reality. She’s way outta my league, and I’d probably just do what I do every weekend and blow my chances with her because I’m a drunk asshole.  I’d probably just stumble up to her at the bar and hit her with something like, “Hey, didn’t I see you on a painting or something?” Not a bad start honestly. It might be hypothetical, but that’s one of the best things I’ve ever said to a girl at a bar. Then she’d be like, “Yeah probably haha. My names Mona”. And then I’d ruin the whole interaction by saying something stupid like, “Mona huh? I wouldn’t mind making you moan”. After a quick slap in the face and 10 more beers, I’d head to the local whorehouse and bang prostitutes until the sun came up. I’m kinda glad prostitution is illegal because if we had brothels, I don’t think I’d ever leave. I wouldn’t even buy a house, I’d just pay rent at a whorehouse and spend every cent I had on disease-ridden hookers. But then again, if you were alive during the 1500’s and you weren’t doing exactly that, you’re a fucking idiot.

Since actually meeting and banging her probably isn’t gonna happen, I need a Riley Reid/Mona Lisa porn parody. If that got uploaded to Pornhub tomorrow, I’d probably never leave my house again. I’d call my doctor and ask her for a Viagra prescription, with the sole intent of sitting at home and jerking off to that video all day. My right bicep would look like Schwarzenegger in the 80’s, and I’d be busting more nuts a day than a squirrel with the munchies. I’ve already tried searching for such a scene, but so far no luck.

God dammit. Hopefully someday my daily anal Mona Lisa search will yield some better results on The Hub, but until that day, I’m gonna have to keep jerking it to the original painting like I’ve been doing. This blog will probably get me put on some type of FBI watchlist, but so be it. Me and Mona’s love knows no bounds. So what if I’m sexually attracted to a painting from the 1500’s. Not a big deal if you ask me. You can all laugh now, but I’ll be the one laughing when I invent a time machine and Mona Lisa is waking me up with breakfast and a BJ every morning.