Today is Easter Sunday, and I’m currently carrying out my yearly tradition of being hungover as absolute balls at my grandma’s house. I always say I’m gonna learn my lesson from the year before, but it never happens.

Hungover has become my default setting on Easter morning, and it just wouldn’t feel like Easter if I wasn’t in a miserable mood with a headache. Year after year, I end up staying out way too late the night before Easter, and then I subsequently spend the day dry heaving in my grandma’s bathroom. It’s gotten to the point where if I’m not hungover on Easter, my family would probably ask if something was wrong because I looked too healthy.

But this year was different. It’s one of the worst I’ve ever felt in my entire history of drinking. I went to the Bruins game yesterday, so I started drinking at about noon and kept my foot on the gas all night. Long story short, I passed out with my clothes on, and it took me about 5 minutes to remember my own name when I woke up. I could barely stomach water, and I spent more time puking in the bathroom today than somebody with an eating disorder.

Which brings up a good question: Who was more hungover on Easter Sunday, me or Jesus?

Some people might be confused by the whole Jesus thing, so here goes my explanation. Jesus got crucified on Bad Friday (refer to my previous blog to understand why I replaced good with bad), but he miraculously rose from the dead 3 days later if you’re gullible enough to believe that. Assuming that it’s true, Jesus must have felt terrible when he stumbled out of the tomb that morning.

The Bible doesn’t offer much of a look into what his personality was like that day, but I doubt he was feeling 100% after getting tortured to death a few days before. I mean, I’ve never died, but I assume that coming back to life after dying would leave you feeling pretty rough. Your whole body shuts down when you die, so starting it all back up again probably sucks.

I bet he was sore from getting crucified and stabbed, a little dehydrated, tired etc. so in itself, his resurrection was kinda like a hangover. A death hangover doesn’t sound too fun, and that’s coming from a guy who spent his whole day with his head toilet and begging the Alcohol Gods for mercy.

Also, I doubt his tomb had a comfy bed to sleep on, which is a big factor when it comes to hangovers. Everybody knows hangovers are a billion times worse if you don’t get a good nights sleep, so having a good place to pass out after drinking all night is essential. Now I passed out on my couch last night which isn’t that comfortable to begin with, but I think my couch is comfier than the cement floor of some tomb. Sleep wise, Jesus didn’t stand a chance.

I also want to give props to Jesus for being able to move that giant boulder that was blocking the entrance to the tomb on Easter Morning. That must have been heavy as shit, and to do it with a hangover? Impressive. Jesus did not skip arm day, but The Bible won’t talk about that.

Then again, if Jesus was able to push a giant rock like that when he woke up, maybe he wasn’t as hungover as I originally thought. For example, I had trouble standing up in the shower this morning because the gravity around me was too much to handle, so I think have had it a little worse today.

Plus, Jesus is Jesus. If Jesus woke up with a hangover, he could probably just use his powers to make it go away. He could just make a bunch of tylenol and a bacon, egg and cheese appear out of thin air, and those two things will defeat any hangover. So based on the fact that I’m the clear under dog here, I’m gonna choose myself in this fight. Although I’m risking going to Hell for saying it, I out-hangovered the shit out of Jesus, and there’s nothing that carpentry school dropout can do about it.

It’s a tough question to answer because the severity of hangovers are subjective, but I’m gonna put my foot down and say I had a worse Easter hangover than Jesus. Only God can judge me, and I’m pretty sure he would agree that I was close to death this morning. Don’t take it personally Jesus, but the better man won today.

I’m coming off a rough stretch of lost bets from March Madness, so I hope Jesus lets me have this win. Despite “winning” this little contest, I kinda feel like I lost. I still feel like shit, and the beers aren’t flowing as fast as they were last night. Oh well, nothing a few Reese’s eggs won’t fix. This is what Easter is all about: Waking up feeling like shit, drinking the pain away, eating candy, and beating Jesus in a hangover contest. If you ask me, this was a pretty successful Easter Sunday. On that note, I’m gonna go fall asleep for the next 3 days like Jesus did after his crucifixion. Happy Easter folks, and if you see the Easter Bunny, tell him to bring me more Reese’s eggs and 12 pack because supplies are running low.