As I predicted in my blog a few weeks ago, my bracket is in the trash and my seasonal March Madness depression is in full gear. Despite this, my spirits have been a little higher than usual this year for one reason and one reason only: Sister Jean. If you don’t know, Sister Jean is the unofficial mascot of Loyola Chicago and she might be my favorite person that has ever existed. Watching Loyola Chicago’s March Madness run has been great, but watching the rise of Sister Jean has been much more of a thrill ride. I just can’t get enough of her, and I know I’m not alone in saying that. That’s why with absolutely no hyperbole, I wanna let it be known that I would gladly sacrifice myself for Sister Jean.
Now I’ll admit, I haven’t always been the Sister Jean super fan that I am today. When I first heard rumblings about some nun going to all of Loyola’s games at the beginning of the tournament, I didn’t pay much attention to it. At that point my bracket wasn’t a diarrhea-filled toilet yet and I didn’t owe my bookie $300 bucks, so everything was looking up for Drunk White Kid. But then my bracket went to shit and I lost all my bets, so I gravitated toward a Cinderella story in the making: The Loyola Chicago Ramblers. Supporting the team was easy, but loving their unofficial 98 year old mascot was even easier.
Sister Jean blew up overnight, and she instantly became the grandma everybody wished they had. She’s attracted more media attention than the OJ Verdict, and she’s just as innocent as he was (Wink Wink). When a reporter asked her how she was dealing with her newfound national fame, Sister Jean was quick to put that bitch in her place.
How dare Lauren Comitor refer to international sensation Sister Jean as only a national sensation. As if there aren’t people in China and France who are also in love with this woman. I don’t know the rules, but I think Lauren should lose her job over this. The media should not be allowed to slander the name of somebody as great as Sister Jean by downplaying her as only a national celebrity. Shame on you, Lauren, shame on you big time. And just to really drive the point home, here’s one of Sister Jean’s friend to let you know you should be ashamed of yourself.
Now a lot of people think she’s just a cute old lady who sits in the stands and looks like she bakes delicious cookies, but there’s much more to her than that. For 98 years old, she is surprisingly articulate in her interviews and has decent basketball knowledge. Some players have said she gives them advice before the games, and that they consider her an assistant coach. So basically Sister Jean is running the entire operation over there at Loyola Chicago, but she’s so modest that she doesn’t want all the credit. God bless you Sister Jean, God bless you. Now to the best of my knowledge, I’m pretty sure that catholics don’t sacrifice people anymore. But if Sister Jean asked me to sacrifice myself, I would start stabbing myself before she even finished the sentence. That’s how much I love this woman. I need a Sister Jean jersey and I needed it yesterday. In fact, I need 7 of them for everyday of the week, that way I never have to wear another outfit again. Just found out about these Sister Jean bobbleheads, and the fact that my house isn’t filled with them is a sin in itself.
The fact that Vegas doesn’t allow you to bet on Sister Jean is a travesty, yet also fair because this lady can’t lose. If I could remake my bracket right now, I would write in Sister Jean as the winner of every game and I’d have a perfect bracket. No matter what happens with Loyola Chicago or the rest of the tournament, Sister Jean stole the show and everything else was just background noise. If a genie granted me 3 wishes, I would wish for a hug from Sister Jean, for Sister Jean to live forever, and the ability to make beer appear whenever I want. Old habits die hard for Drunk White Kid, so I had to use atleast one of those wishes on booze. Unless ofcourse Sister Jean wanted something else, in which case I would let her use my beer wish because that’s how much I love this woman. God bless you Sister Jean Dolores Schmidt, and I hope you get to see your Loyola Chicago Ramblers win it all this year.