I Hate Traffic

So it’s been decided. I’ve always labored over the idea of moving to some remote location. Today I was tilling the soil of my front yard and felt like a man. Dirty hands, sore back, general discomfort. This small effort of useless work brewed an epiphany in my pea-sized brain. I’m moving to Siberia.

Fuck traffic, and fuck people. The main reason I drink (besides it’s fun and stuff) is because people drive me to drink. That guy in his H3 with a labradoodle at some red light made me realize this world is just jam-packed with 100% USDA approved douche bags. If you’re alive in 2018 and you think anything besides a military Hummer is cool, go fuck yourself. So I think I’m just gonna pack my Jansport, hit the hills of virgin soil (ice) in Siberia, and dip out of this place. Of course I’ll probably have to bring a book on how to concoct my own booze out there so I don’t succumb to the shakes. But fuck it, how hard can living on my own be? I’ve watched documentaries on the subject, I’m definitely good.

happy people

The movie that made me an expert. “Happy People: A Year in the Taiga”

I’m about to go off on how good this movie is, so I should eat an adderall or some shit, but its like 7pm so I’ll just chill. This movie is titty, though. You gotta get over the fact that it’s all subtitles (unless you know Russian) and just watch. It’ll turn the boys into men, and the women into men. You will realize almond milk is, in fact, liberal. Chances are, you’ll cum when you see this flick.

So after about three hours of urban yard work, a Netflix movie, and a few beers, I have decided that I could totally make it in the wild. But I want a film crew. My show is gonna lie somewhere between Survivorman and Man vs. Wild. I promise you guys I won’t be a huge queer like Bear Grylls, but hyping myself up to be the next Les Stroud is just downright mentally perverted. Give me some feedback on how I should do the show. Oh, and I think Joe Rogan should narrate, because he’s just a downright beast.

  • Happy scooping

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