As most of you probably know, today is known as Good Friday in the Christian religion. Good Friday is always celebrated the Friday before Easter, and it is the symbolic remembrance of Jesus getting crucified and dying for our sins. Like most people who grew up in the Boston area, I was raised Catholic, but I was lucky enough to not get molested by a priest like a lot of the other neighborhood kids did. Now I’m not religious anymore, but good looks to Jesus for getting nailed to a cross and dying for my sins if all that stuff ends up being real. Your sacrifice will not be forgotten, and I’ll be sure to sin as severely and often as possible to make your death worth it.
Which brings me back to why I’m writing this blog: Am I the only one that thinks calling it Good Friday is kinda weird? I mean, there’s really nothing good about it. Some guy that seemed like a good dude got nailed to a cross and suffered immeasurably until he died, and for some reason christians celebrate this? They probably walk into church all smiles and shit saying “Happy Good Friday” to eachother while they eat crackers, drink wine, and sing songs for an hour. Very strange way to honor somebody’s death. I think it would make a lot more sense to call it Bad Friday, and I’m sure Jesus would back me up on that. Now I can’t speak from experience because I’ve never been crucified before, but it just doesn’t seem like a very fun time. I can barely handle stubbing my toe, so getting nailed to a cross and then suffering gravity inflicted pain until you bleed or starve to death sounds pretty wack. That’s how I know christians didn’t let Jesus have any say in the naming of Good Friday, which is very greedy on their part. Jesus probably walked past some secret meeting in Heaven one day and stuck his head in and said, “Hey guys, whats going on?” And they were all like, “Oh hey JC, didn’t see ya there. We’ve been talking and its been decided that the day you died is gonna be called Good Friday. You’re cool with that, right?”. Before Jesus could even answer, God slammed down the gavel and the tradition of Good Friday was born.
It isn’t just the name, the whole idea of it is weird. On Christmas you celebrate the birth of Jesus, which makes sense. On Easter you celebrate the return of Jesus, which also makes sense. But why would you celebrate the death of Jesus? That would be like popping open a bottle of champagne while listening to “Celebration” by Kool and the Gang at my grandma’s funeral. You’re supposed to celebrate the death of somebody you hate, not the son of God. When Hitler died, I’m sure everybody cheered and started fucking in the middle of the streets from how happy they were. Yet every year the anniversary of Jesus getting killed comes around and christians react the same way, except with more singing and less sex. Well maybe missionary position sex, but thats not real sex. Doggy style or GTFO
So there ya have it: My thoughts on Good Friday. I’m gonna do my man Jesus a solid and start calling it Bad Friday, and I hope some other people start doing the same. The name just doesn’t work at all, and it’s crazy that this issue hasn’t been addressed by the church whatsoever. I would love to hear Jesus’s thoughts on this whole mess, but I’m pretty sure he would be on my side. If anybody knows Jesus personally, please have him send me an email so we can meet up and talk this out over a couple beers. Actually forget the beers, me and Jesus could just order some water and he could turn it into wine for us. We could both get shitfaced on a budget, and chicks would be all over us because of Jesus and his cool magic tricks. Damn now I really wanna hit a bar tonight with Jesus, so if anybody knows him, have him hit me up. If me and Jesus go out tonight and both get laid, maybe this Bad Friday will turn into a Good Friday after all.