As most of you probably know, today is known as Good Friday in the Christian faith.

Good Friday is always celebrated on the Friday before Easter, and it is the symbolic remembrance of Jesus getting crucified and dying for our sins.

Like a lot Irish people who grew up in the Boston area, I was raised Catholic. I went to Catholic schools, had to go to church every Sunday until I was 16, and I was even an alter server when I was in elementary school

Now I know what you’re thinking, so I’ll just get out ahead of the story and say that no, I did not get molested by a priest like some of the other kids in my neighborhood probably did. I’m sorry to disappoint all of you that watched Spotlight recently and assumed that you were reading a blog from one of the featured victims, but I wasn’t one of them (unless the repressed memory just hasn’t hit me yet)

While on the topic of getting molested by priests, I will admit that there’s a part of me that almost feels bad about it not happening to me. As weird as it might sound, the fact no priest ever so much as made an attempt to molest makes me feel like I wasn’t a cute enough kid or something. It’s a little bit of a blow to my ego if I’m being honest, but that’s a fucked up thing to ponder some other time

Anyway, I’m not religious anymore. However, if all that stuff does end up being true, I want to send my sincere thanks to Jesus for getting nailed to a cross and dying for my sins. Your sacrifice will not be forgotten, and I’ll be sure to sin as severely and often as possible to make sure your death worth it

Which brings me back to why I’m writing this blog. Am I the only one that thinks calling it Good Friday is kind of weird? I mean, there’s really nothing good about it. Jesus, who seemed like a really nice guy, got nailed to a cross and suffered immeasurably until he died, and for some reason they celebrate this? The whole thing just seems a little backwards to me, but what do I know (Besides everything).

Now I can’t speak from experience because I’ve never been crucified before, but it just doesn’t seem like a good time. I can barely handle stubbing my toe, so getting nailed to a cross and then suffering through gravity-inflicted pain until you bleed or starve to death sounds like a bummer if you ask me

That is why I think it makes a lot more sense to call it Bad Friday as opposed to Good, and it’s also how I know Christians didn’t let Jesus have any say in the naming of this. Jesus probably walked past some secret meeting in Heaven one day and stuck his head in to say, “Hey guys, whats going on?”. God and everybody else that was there probably responded with something like, “Oh, hey JC, didn’t see ya there. Well, we’ve been talking, and its been decided that the day you died is going to be called Good Friday from now on. You’re cool with that, right?”.  Before Jesus could even process this and express his displeasure, God slammed down the gavel and the tradition of Good Friday was born.

On Christmas, you celebrate the birth of Jesus, which makes sense. On Easter, you celebrate the return of Jesus, which also makes sense. But why would you celebrate the death of Jesus? That would be like popping open a bottle of champagne and dancing to “Celebration” by Kool and the Gang at my grandma’s funeral. You’re supposed to celebrate the death of somebody you hate, not the son of God. When Hitler died, I’m sure everybody was singing cheerful songs and fucking eachother in the middle of the streets. Every year the anniversary of Jesus getting killed comes around and Christians react the same way, except with more singing and less fucking. Well maybe some missionary sex, but we all know thats not real sex. Doggy style or GTFO

So there you have it: My very ignorant thoughts on Good Friday. I’m going to do my man Jesus a solid and start calling it Bad Friday from now on, and I hope some other people start doing the same. The name just doesn’t work at all, and it’s crazy that this issue hasn’t been addressed by the church whatsoever.

I would love to hear Jesus’ thoughts on this whole mess, but I’m pretty sure he would be on my side. If anybody knows Jesus personally, please have him send me an email so we can meet up and talk this out over a couple beers. Actually, forget the beers. Jesus and I could just order some water and he could turn it into wine for us. We’d both get shitfaced on a budget, and chicks would be all over us because of Jesus and his cool magic tricks. Damn, now I really wanna hit a bar tonight with Jesus, so if anybody knows him, PLEASE have him hit me up. If Jesus and I link up, go out tonight, and both get laid, maybe this Bad Friday will turn back into a Good Friday after all.

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