With the NHL and NBA seasons winding down and the MLB season starting up today, I figured now would be a good time to make this proclamation: Atleast one Boston sports team is gonna win a championship this year, and I am so confident about that happening that I will chop off my dick and eat it if none of them do. Everybody always talks about how arrogant Boston sports fans are, but I just gave our cockiness a whole new meaning. If the B’s, C’s, Sox, or Pats don’t end up hoisting a trophy within the next 365 days, I will literally hoist my dismembered dick into the air and drop it in my own mouth like a dolphin being fed fish at the aquarium.
On February 4th, I watched in horror with the rest of New England as our beloved Pats lost in the Super Bowl to the Eagles. It was a tough pill to swallow, but they outplayed us and deserved the win. Fuckin way she goes. I was extremely confident that the Pats were gonna win, and I lost so much money on that game that I wanted to put a revolver in my mouth. Money woes aside, I just really needed a win. You see, Boston sports fans are kind’ve like drug addicts (A lot of us actually are), and winning is our drug of choice. I’ve been so spoiled with championships throughout my life that I’m not used to losing, and I bet a lot of other fans feel the same way. That’s why I need one of our major sports teams to bring home a trophy this year. Listorene just isn’t cutting it, and I need a big win to officially rinse the bad taste of Super Bowl 52 from my mouth. I’m fairly confident that atleast one team is gonna pull through, but if none of them do, I’m gonna have to rinse the taste of the Super Bowl loss and my own dick from my mouth. I’ll get into the exact details of the possible dick consumption at the end of the blog, but now let’s dive into a brief look at the teams.
Realistically, the Bruins stand the best chance of keeping my privates intact. Although the Stanley Cup Playoffs are definitely the most erratic, our position in the division and our overall chemistry has me feeling real good about the team’s chances in the post season. Marchand has been playing like his life depends on it, Rask and Khudobin have both been solid, and our young guys have really stepped up. The addition of Ryan Donato has only made our offense even more of a threat, and the kid looks so calm out there. He’s been playing so good that the Bruins will probably trade him away like they did Kessel, Thornton, and Seguin. I swear to God the Bruins are afraid of having young talent. The Lightning and Leafs are also both having solid years and are definitely gonna suck to see in the playoffs, but we’ve been so electric lately that I don’t think anybody can stop us. The only way the Bruins don’t end up skating around the ice with Lord Stanley at the end of the season is if the team’s plane crashes.
The Celtics have been so fun to watch this year, almost as fun as Girls Do Porn or a good cat fight. Our young guys like Tatum and Brown have made me realize that I’m getting old, but watching those two run shit has been fantastic. Kyrie being out with some knee trouble is concerning, but if he was putting up those numbers all season with a bum knee, I’m sure he’ll return stronger than ever. Even with Kyrie out, Rozier has stepped up and has been controlling the floor like a starting point guard should. Theis and Smart being out blows, but our bench has filled in the gaps big time, especially Morris. The Raptors might give us some trouble, but I think we can take them in a 7 game series. After all, raptors went extinct, whereas small, drunk Irish guys like our mascot are still alive and well. Lebron and the Cavs are currently having a breakdown, and it seems like he’s about to be waving goodbye to them pretty soon. If there’s any time to sneak past them in the playoffs, it’s right now. With Kevin Love out, Tyronn Lue stepping down as coach, and Lebron suffering from permanent PMS toward the rest of his team, we stand a pretty good shot at taking the East. As for the finals, Golden State or the Rockets won’t be fun, but both teams have suffered some injuries of their own. So just like doing a bunch of adderal before a homework assignment, anything is possible. For the sake of my penis, I hope the Celtics raise another banner this year.
As for the Red Sox, I’m optimistic, but also not stupid. Baseball is a weird sport that you never really know how a season is gonna go. Our team looks great on paper, but so does my resume and I’m a fucking idiot. Our pitching rotation might be one of the best in the league, and our bullpen is stacked with more deadly arms than a doomsday prepper. Hopefully bitchboy David Price decides to step it up this year and stops blaming all of his problems on Boston being a racist city again. Yeah dude, Boston is a pretty racist city, but if you keep a decent ERA, maybe you won’t have to hear Fenway Park chanting the n word all season. As far as fielding and hitting goes, I’m not worried in the slightest. Between Mitchy 2 Bags, Hanley, Xander, Mookie, Devers, Benintendi etc. we’ll be all set on offense and defense. It all comes down to how we play during fall ball, and I could unfortunately see us blowing it in September or October.
As mentioned above, we got outplayed this past Super Bowl, but we’ll be back with a vengeance. Losing Butler, Lewis and Amendola is definitely gonna show, but Belichick’s genius knows no bounds. With Edelman coming back to join Gronk, Hogan and Cooks (Wrote this before the trade FUCK), Brady will have more than enough people to target. We also picked up Jeremy Hill to help out our backfield, a spot where Rex Burkhead was surprisingly solid last year, and hopefully he’s able to keep that up. Also, Rex Burkhead might be the most football guy name I’ve ever heard. That guy came out his mom’s vagina ready to gain extra yards after initial contact. As long as Tom Brady and Belichick are around, the Pats will always remain a Super Bowl threat. I want Brady yelling hut until he’s using a walker or maybe even a wheelchair, but I know that isn’t possible. The dynasty is slowly coming to an end, and for the sake of my dick, I hope they can make another Super Bowl run this season.
Now back to the dick eating. Am I a little nervous? Obviously. I might have to cut off and swallow my own penis for Christ sakes. But that’s what betting is all about: The high you get from the risk. This also isn’t gay by the way (Not that there’s anything wrong with that), because I’m eating my own dick here. So if the worst case scenario happens and none of my teams win it all this year, how should I go about eating my own dick?
Option 1: Hot Dog Style
(Not actual size)
This is typically the first thing that comes to mind when one thinks about the best way to eat their own dick. I have no idea how my penis dog would taste, but I guess my dick in a bun doused in ketchup and mustard wouldn’t be the worst way of going about it. I don’t know though, it’s just seems too obvious. If I’m gonna be forced to eat my own dick as part of a bet I made with myself, I wanna atleast stand out from the crowd. I’ll keep this idea in my back pocket, but I’m gonna explore other options.
Option 2: Steak Style
Another option would be to marinate my dick and eat it like it’s a steak at a fancy restaurant. I’m talking fork and knife, A1 sauce, mashed potatoes, the whole nine yards. I guess now the question becomes should I go medium or medium rare? I usually go medium rare with steak, but I’m not too sure how I would want my dick cooked. I definitely don’t want it to be too burnt, but a bloody dick just sounds downright unappealing. Sounds like it’s gonna be a game time decision, so I guess I’ll cross that bridge when I come to it.
Option 3: Candy Style
Another idea would be to eat my dick like a chocolate treat. I could either keep it in one piece and cover the whole thing in chocolate creating a sort of dick bar (Not available in King size), or I could break it up into smaller pieces and make some dick M and M’s. In the latter scenario, atleast I know that they’ll melt in my mouth and not in my hand. While I’m at it, I should probably pitch that second idea to Mars. Dick flavored M and M’s could be a huge hit in the gay community, and I could become the Willy Wonka of dick candy. I wouldn’t even have to come up with a new name either, because willy is already a slang term for penis. This whole having to eat my own dick thing just gave me a great business idea. Talk about a blessing in disguise.
It’s never healthy to put too much thought into negative hypothetical situations, especially ones that involve genital dismemberment and consumption, so I’m gonna stop there. I’m sure there are plenty of other options out there for how somebody could eat their own dick, but my brain is done entertaining the idea. If you have any good dick dinner suggestions, feel free to leave them in the comment section. Alright folks, That’s all for now. I’ve got a Sox game to watch and some beers to drink, so until next time