Ranking Time: Videogame Soundtracks

Like most people with a dick and balls, I’ve spent a good amount of my life in front of a TV playing video games. Now I don’t really play a lot anymore, mainly because my beer goggles make me suck ass and staring at the screen for too long gives me the spins. Nevertheless, my childhood was filled with playing classic games everyday after school. A huge part of what makes a game awesome, to me atleast, is how good of a soundtrack it has. I don’t care how fun the game is to play, if it doesn’t have good music I can’t stay focused. That’s why I’ve decided to write this blog and rank some of my favorite video game soundtracks. Some things I took into consideration when making this list was overall creativity and catchiness. I like soothing repetition that sets the mood of the game, which is why as you’ll notice I gave better scores to games with original soundtracks rather than ones filled with actual radio songs. Alot of the games on my list are older because lets face it: Older games had way better soundtracks. Another thing to remember is that this is just my opinion. This is a list of MY favorite video game soundtracks, not an in-depth case study of the best videogame soundtracks using field interviews and equations and shit. If you disagree with my list and think you can make a better one, here’s what you should do: Write your list down on a piece of paper, put it in an envelope, shove the envelope up your own asshole, and then shit it out the next time you have to go.

10. Wolfenstein 3D (1992)

Starting off my list is Wolfenstein 3D. Released in 1992, this game is widely considered to be the original first-person shooter. The game’s theme music is actually a rendition of “De Fahne Hock”, which was the unofficial song of Nazi Germany. The fact that they decided to use that song for the game’s main menu is hilarious, and it actually got the game banned in Germany because the song is illegal. I know they’re ashamed of their history and everything, but could you imagine making a song illegal? That would be like if America made it illegal to talk about slavery. Hey Germany: Just because you guys act like it didn’t happen, doesn’t mean it didn’t happen. Ripping out pages of history books and making songs illegal won’t make people forget that you guys rounded up Jews and gassed them to death. Enough about that though, back to the game. This game’s soundtrack is made up of catchy, simple songs that are extremely repetitive and help the player with their concentration (And I’m not talking about the camps). This soundtrack provides the perfect background music for shooting Nazis in the face, which is why it earned a spot on my list.

Favorite Song 

9. Halo 3 (2007)

Taking the number 9 spot on my list is Halo 3. I don’t even wanna know how many hours I wasted on this game back in the day, but it’s safe to say I was addicted like an addict to crack. Playing infection mode on custom made forge maps was some of the most fun I’ve ever had in my life, and I’m ashamed that I just typed those words. Now before all the Halo nerds come at my neck about this soundtrack’s placement on the list, hear me out: The theme music kicks ass, but that’s not enough to be considered a good soundtrack. A lot of the songs sound like something I’d hear at an opera, and since I’m not an old lady or gay, I’m not really into opera. There are a few really good songs, but it isn’t good enough for a better spot on my list. If you’re pissed about hearing the truth, you should go into forge mode, build a cliff, and jump off of it.

Favorite Song 

8. and 7. The Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time (1998) and Majora’s Mask (2000)

Taking the 8 and 7 spots on my list are 2 classic Zelda games: Ocarina of Time and Majora’s Mask. I’ll admit, it hurt to not rank these higher, but that just goes to show how fucking awesome the rest of my list is. I have a lot of fond memories of these games, and I think my first crush was Zelda (Still would bang her btw). A lot of the songs in these games sound like something you’d hear a hippy folk group playing, which is kinda perfect since you’re an elf running around magical forests and shit with a fairy as a sidekick. The catchy tunes give you just the right amount of motivation to help Link save Zelda and get laid.

Favorite Songs

6. and 5. Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas (2004) and Vice City (2003)

At the number 6 and number 5 spots on my list are GTA San Andreas and Vice City, and I can already hear the outrage for these not being in the top 3. “But Drunk White Kid, think of all the good songs you could listen to on the radio in these games”, which is partly why they didn’t score higher on my list. You can only hear the game’s music when you’re in a vehicle, which is realistic, but also sucks because you just hear nothing when you’re not in one. I also respect the creativity and handwork it typically takes when making a soundtrack, so I gave some bonus points to games who did that (Which is every other game on the list). Rockstar just paid to use hit songs, which are obviously good, but it didn’t take any work on their part. I’m not gonna lie and say I didn’t love doing drive-by’s while listening to some NWA in San Andreas or some “Africa” by Toto while I stabbed a hooker to death in Vice City, but there are better soundtracks out there.

Favorite Songs

 4. Duke Nuke Em 3D (1996)

Taking the number 4 spot on my list is Duke Nuke Em 3D. Released in 1996, Duke Nuke Em 3D was one of the earliest and best first-person shooters ever made. I have a lot of good memories of this game, and hearing the theme music sends me on a nostalgia high. You play as a cigar smoking, stripper loving roid-addict badass named Duke, who travels around LA killing aliens and saying funny quotes the whole time. I’ll never understand why they never made a Duke Nuke Em movie with Arnold Schwarzenegger as the lead role. Just imagine Terminator but with aliens instead of robots. Shit would’ve been amazing. There are a lot of levels in this game, and every single one has a new and catchy song to go along with it. This soundtrack is awesome and I wanted to put this in a better position on my list, but my top 3 games beat it out in the end.

Favorite Song

The Top 3

Now I’ll admit, ranking these next 3 game soundtracks was one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to do, and I once had to choose between saving a drowning puppy or a drowning kitten (I ended up saving neither just to be fair to both of them). I spent days contemplating how I was gonna place these, and it one point I had each one of them at the 1, 2, and 3 spots. But after one final listen to their entire soundtracks, I made my decision. So here it is: My 3 favorite video game soundtracks

3. GoldenEye 007 (1997)

The names Bond, James Bond. Taking the number 3 spot on my list is the Nintendo 64 classic GoldenEye 007. The soundtrack of this game is made up of catchy songs that are heavily influenced by the Bond films. This game was one of the first shooter games where you could play against your friends, and many friendships were ruined as a result. We all had that one asshole friend who would play as Oddjob and kill you by throwing his hat at you. What the fuck was up with that? Last time I checked a top hat thrown by some Asian guy shouldn’t be enough to kill me, but what do I know. Nothing made your dick feel bigger than picking up the Golden Gun and making all your friends go into hiding as a result, but nothing sucked worse than missing with the Golden Gun and completely wasting the chance for an easy kill. This game and it’s soundtrack kicked ass, and it made me wish I was a smooth talking, ass-getting spy like James Bond, but instead I grew up to be a boozbag. Whatever dude: The names Kid, Drunk White Kid.

Favorite Songs

Full Soundtrack

2. DOOM (1993)

Coming in at the number 2 spot on my list is the classic DOOM. Released in 1993, this game was alongside Wolfenstein 3D for laying the groundwork for first-person shooters. Similar to Duke Nuke Em, this soundtrack gives me a nostalgia rush like no other. My dad had Duke Nuke Em, Wolfenstein, and DOOM on the desktop computer in the basement,and I spent a lot of time playing those until my hands fell off growing up. The songs in this game have a weird way of making you realize just how the levels gonna go. Some songs sound like Metallica’s playing them, and they pump you up as you easily cruise through the level killing demons. Other songs have this slow, dark atmosphere to them, and that’s how you would know the level was gonna suck. Anytime the level started out with a slow song, you knew it was a boss level and you were fucked. As I’ve said before, that’s what makes a soundtrack perfect. If the songs have the ability to control your perception of the level before it even starts, thats a good soundtrack. I really wanted to put this as my number 1, but in the end it just got beat out by another great game.

Favorite Songs

Full Soundtrack

 

1. Timesplitters 2 (2002)

Taking the number 1 spot on my list is Timesplitters 2. Released in 2002, this game was one of the first games I actually remember buying, and it caused me more hand cramps than when I first figured out jerking off. I was hooked on this game, and my friends and I would sit in my basement chugging Mountain Dew and killing eachother for hours at a time. The actual game involves traveling through time and collecting crystals from different eras. Every song in the game perfectly compliments the setting it’s supposed to, which is why it takes the number one spot on my list. Whether it was killing Aztec warriors in 1350 Mexico, gangsters in 1920’s Chicago, or aliens on Mars in 3025, the song for every level matched up perfectly. This soundtrack sets the mood for the game like R and B does for fucking. It’s filled with bangers from start to finish, and I used to always throw it on the background in college while writing papers because it’s so good and kept me focused. Fuck, now I wish I was 10 with a Gamecube controller in my hands, Mountain Dew in my veins, and not a care in the world. Oh well, I guess listening to the soundtrack and drinking a couple beers will do for now.

Favorite Songs

Full Soundtrack

 

 

 

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