This past weekend, there were multiple March For Our Lives protests across the country demanding that gun control legislation gets passed in response to recent school shootings. The shooting at Marjory Stoneman Douglas High School in Florida left 17 dead, and many people have vowed to never let something like this happen again. The gun control debate has always divided our country in two, and even more so recently because now the focus seems to be on keeping kids safe in school. Some people think we need to ban guns in order to curb school violence, whereas the other side thinks that we need more guns and armed guards in the schools to keep kids safe. I’m here to say that both sides of the debate are wrong, and there’s only one sensible solution to this problem: We need to ban schools in order to stop school shootings from happening.
All of this talk about whether or not we need more or less guns is just meaningless banter, and it completely avoids the main problem here: Schools are providing mass murderers with the perfect place to carry out their massacres, and they must be closed to prevent further atrocities. If there weren’t any schools around, there wouldn’t be any school shootings. Am I wrong? Nope, that’s actually 100% true. Schools are to blame for every single school shooting that has ever happened, and the statistics back up that claim. Did you know that every school shooting that has ever happened took place at a school? And did you know that if the shooter wasn’t equipped with a school, he would not have been able to commit a school shooting? Those statements might sound too crazy to be real, but they are unfortunate truths. Schools have been present at every single school shooting in history, so why aren’t people talking that? That’s why I’m organizing a March For Our Social Lives protest scheduled for this Saturday. The protest aims to encourage our politicians to pass legislation to eliminate every building where education takes place in the United States. It’s easy to use things like guns and mental illness as scapegoats whenever tragedies like this happen, but it doesn’t get to the root of the problem.
“But Drunk White Kid, what on Earth would we do without schools?”, some of you might be asking yourselves. We would do absolutely fine without schools, and we definitely wouldn’t be doing school shootings anymore that’s for sure. As I was writing this blog I tried to pick my brain for what I learned in school that still applies to my life, and I honestly had trouble coming up with things. All I really learned in school was that waking up early sucks, and that smoking weed before lunch makes public school food somewhat edible. We always talk about bullying and mental illness when it comes to why a kid shot up a school, but never the school itself. Could it be that sitting in a building for 7 hours a day learning nonsense about numbers and reading The Catcher In The Rye made a kid want to kill his classmates? I don’t know. Probably not, but it’s just as plausible as some of the other ridiculous ideas people have come up with over the years. The monotony of school is just as likely to be the cause of school shootings as video games, rap music, bullying etc. because after all, it always happens at a school. It’s tough to argue with that kinda logic, so where are all the anti-school marches? If you want to put an end to school shootings you need to put an end to schools, plain and simple.
Now I know there are a lot of people out there that think this is an extreme measure, and that it would be much easier to just get rid of The Second Amendment instead. “Get rid of schools? What a stupid idea. We should just take rights away from millions of law-abiding citizens because of what a few nutcases did instead”. That’s a hyperbolic quote obviously, but it is sort of the logic that a lot of people are using. And as I’ve said before: Guns don’t cause school shootings, schools do. Last time I checked, The Bill Of Rights doesn’t say shit about being able to own or attend schools like it does for guns, so lets get tougher on schools before every kid in America ends up 6 feet under. Plus, as I’ve already outlined in this blog, getting rid of schools would eliminate school shootings over night. It isn’t even up for debate if I’m right or not either, because it really would be physically impossible for a school shooting to happen if we got rid of schools. Problem solved.
In today’s heated political climate, I find it crazy that I’m the only one having this moment of clarity on how to fix our nation’s school shooting problem. While everybody else is busy screaming at each other, I’m the one putting in the long hours and trying to come up with ways to save lives. Enough is enough, and it’s about time we got rid of those dangerous things we call schools. No citizen should be allowed to own an education, especially not something as dangerous as a master’s degree. Why would a private citizen ever need to own one of those things other than to teach at a school? (Which I have already proved are responsible for school shootings) So come on people, lets be smart about this: Don’t ban guns, ban schools. I could run for president on that platform and probably get elected. In fact, that gives me a great idea: I am officially announcing my candidacy for president in the next election. If we all work together, we can make “Drunk White Kid 2020” a reality. I can’t wait to walk up to the podium and say, “Drink beers, shoot guns, and fuck school, because it’s time to make America drunk again!” Now cue the music: