In case you guys didn’t hear, a dog died during a flight on United Airlines because the flight attendant forced the owner to put it in the overhead bin. I know I’m like 2 weeks late to this story, but I keep forgetting to post this because I’m an idiot. To a lot of people this might seem like an isolated incident, but United Airlines has actually been messing up a lot in recent years. Now I know it isn’t an actual award, but I’m proud to announce that I’m officially giving United Airlines The Fuck Up Award, and crowning them the undisputed champions of making mistakes when it comes to air travel. I thought I’d do a quick little recap of some of the controversial incidents that have happened with United Airlines recently, so here it comes.
United’s stretch of bad luck started around this time last year, so I guess March and April are just bad months for them. Well I guess technically United’s plane troubles started on 9/11, but I’ll give them a pass and blame the terrorists for that one. There’s not much you can do about Muhammed and his buddies hijacking your planes and then joyriding into buildings with them. Anyways, back to the karate match. On April 9th 2017, an asian doctor was forcibly removed from a United flight after they oversold it and he refused to get off the plane. He told them that he wouldn’t get out of the seat because he paid for it, and they literally dragged him off of the plane because they fucked up and oversold the flight.
They left this guy’s mouth looking like he went down on his (probably) also asian doctor wife on her period, all because of their incompetence when selling tickets. Let’s talk about how ridiculous the overselling policy is for a second. So airlines know exactly how many seats are on the plane, yet they somehow manage to consistently oversell flights. When they oversell a flight, they then tell somebody who has already bought their ticket, gone through security, and is physically sitting on the plane that they need to get off because they fucked up. But fear not, because they managed to get you another flight tomorrow at 4:30 in the morning (Unless ofcourse they can’t do simple math, oversell, and kick you off again). Usually they’ll offer some type of “incentive” like a $25 Arby’s gift card and a free room at a crappy Motel 6 thats riddled with hookers. So now you’re miserable, a day behind schedule, and you have an STD from those Motel 6 hookers. Stay optimistic though, it could just be a rash.
United’s April bad luck streak continued, and just a week later on April 14th 2017, a passenger got stung by a scorpion while on a United Flight. When I first saw that headline I thought it was from The Onion, but nope, apparently United was just letting scorpions run around on their planes like it’s the Sahara Desert. The scorpion fell from an overhead bin onto some guys head, and when he went to grab it from his hair it stung him. United said that the plane had been in Costa Rica earlier that day, and that the scorpion may have boarded the plane there. Uhh I’m kind’ve an animal expert (Meaning I watch a lot of Wildboyz and Planet Earth when I’m stoned) and I’m pretty sure Costa Rica doesn’t have scorpions (They do but I’m trying to make a point). Either way, what’s the point of having all this airport security if scorpions are finding ways to sting people during the flight? The whole thing is so ridiculous that I think United was in on it, and the scorpion was put there on purpose. I must admit that I respect United Airlines learning from the doctor situation and thinking outside the box on how to bribe people into giving up their seat by using insects to do the dirty work for them.
When it came to drawing controversy during April of 2017, United Airlines was living by the “Get hot, stay hot” motto, because on April 19th 2017 a giant rabbit named Simon died while on a United Flight. The use of the word giant in the name is not hyperbole by the way, this thing was giant. He was already 3 feet five inches at 10 months old, and his father was the Guinness World Record holder for biggest rabbit.
I mean look at that thing. I had no idea that rabbits could even get that big. Simon was on track to be even bigger than his dad according to his breeder, but not if United Airlines had anything to say about it. Simon was found dead in his crate when the plane landed at O’Hare Airport, which is ironically where the asian doctor incident happened just 10 days earlier. Simon was the offspring of a famous rabbit, and killing him was like going to the Easter Bunny’s house and shooting his son in the face. To add insult to injury, United Airlines then cremated Simon in an apparent attempt to cover up evidence, as if they were gonna somehow get away with it. I can’t knock the hustle, but you gotta cover your tracks a little better than that. They should’ve atleast tried to find another giant bunny and play it off as him. It’s not like he can talk, so they should’ve just put a name tag that said Simon on him and they might’ve been in the clear. Either way, Rip Simon.
United stayed quiet for a few months, but like an addict to crack, they just couldn’t get enough of the controversy. On July 6th 2017, United once again oversold a flight. They then forced a mom to hold her 2 year son on her lap for an entire flight, even though she bought a $1,000 seat next to her for him. This one might honestly be the worst, because this affects everybody on board. I think we can all agree that little kids suck in general, but they especially suck on airplanes. You already know having that kid on his moms lap for the whole flight made him cry even more than his bitch ass would have anyway, and the fact that people don’t kill crying kids on airplanes more often is shocking to me. I’m actually a huge advocate for making it illegal to be in possession of crying kids in public, because as mentioned before, they suck.
Which brings us to now. As mentioned before, and the reason I wrote this blog, a dog died on a United flight 2 weeks ago because of stupidity on both sides. Before I lay into United, I gotta give a quick fuck you to that dog’s owner. I don’t think enough people are giving her shit for actually complying to the retarded order made by the flight attendant to put the dog in the overhead compartment. The overhead compartment is for luggage and shit, not a living thing, and especially not something like your pet that you’re supposed to care about. Also, why wasn’t she checking on the dog during the flight? She didn’t think it was a little suspicious that she didn’t hear her dog bark for a couple hours? I’m sure whatever shitty in-flight movie they were playing was distracting, but you probably should make sure that the living thing you’re traveling with is okay. But I digress, and apologies for victim shaming or whatever the SJW’s call it, but the lady’s a fucking idiot and those are the facts. As for United, they suck for letting this happen again. If you’re gonna allow pets on planes, you should probably figure out ways to keep them alive while they’re on your planes. Just my two cents on the whole thing. They released a statement saying sorry and said they’re looking to change their policies so this doesn’t happen again, which is basically just like doing this ¯\_(ツ)_/¯. That shrug emoji thing should become their logo at this point because they don’t even seem to be surprised when they make mistakes at this point. United Airlines are experts at these kinda things by now because they fuck up so often. Killing a dog? No big deal. We’ll just send out a tweet saying sorry and promise we won’t mess up again, which has about as much merit as Liz Warren actually being Native American.
They ended up breaking their no fuck up promise quickly, because just 2 days after killing the dog, United Airlines put another dog on the wrong flight and accidentally sent it to Japan instead of Kansas. Luckily for them the plane landed in Japan instead of China, because that dog would’ve ended up on a dinner plate faster than I can weave a racist joke into a blog had it landed in Hong Kong. Some people might say that I’m being insensitive to Asians by saying they eat dogs, but here’s the thing: They do eat dogs. Don’t want people to call you out for eating dogs? Don’t eat dogs then. There’s a very simple solution for asians if they wanna avoid being called dog eaters: Stick to eating rice and leave Scooby Doo and his friends alone.
So there you have it: Just a sample of all the times United Airlines has fucked up over the past year. I’m sure there were plenty of other incidents that flew under the radar during that time, but I’m confident that United Airlines will supply us with more entertainment soon. I’m actually so confident that United will fuck up a few more times soon that I should call this blog part 1, because I’m sure these kinda recaps are gonna become a regular thing. In the upcoming weeks, be on the lookout for headlines like “United Airlines pilot rapes woman mid-flight” or “United Airlines plane forgets to take off, crashes into airport instead” because I wouldn’t even be surprised by those. Whoever their public relations person is deserves a raise, and then another raise on top of that. There isn’t enough money in the world to defend this trainwreck of a company, and the fact they haven’t crashed a plane recently is amazing. It’s only a matter of time before a pilot drinks before the flight or falls asleep in the cockpit, so I would recommend avoiding United Airlines if you’re gonna fly somewhere.