Why I Love Jesus

I love Jesus. Big fan. He’s an easy top 3 historical figure of all time with Genghis Khan and Herman Webster Mudgett in no particular order.

Now I’m not a religious person. Never been. I went to Sunday school when I was a kid only to fuck around with my friends and harass the psycho brainwashed 90 year olds who taught the shit for free. But I do love Jesus.

I love everything about him, look at his story: his mom was a fucking whore who got railed by too many dudes to count (don’t slut shame, we’re sex and body positive on this site), then she convinced everybody that she was a pure and innocent virgin and her child was the son of God. Thankfully she had a boy cuz god knows what would’ve happened if she birthed a chick. Probably would’ve been thrown up a river and tried to be the next Moses before some wild animals ate her as an appetizer. So thank goodness Jesus was born with male genitalia cuz the story would’ve stopped there if he didn’t (not sexism just facts look it up, people used to be mean to women back in the day, unlike now a days).

So his mom was a whore, and then we know next to nothing about his childhood/teenage years cuz the idiots writing the Bible decided that was taking up too much of the story and decided to cut it for length and flow reasons, which I don’t hate. Have you ever read the Bible? It’s well crafted… So his childhoods a mystery. That’s cool. It is. Did he jerk off a lot? Did he enjoy the theatre? Or perhaps burn some bush? Experiment with some wine and women (or men, Jesus coulda been gay for all we know (not that there’s anything wrong with that))? The possibilities are endless.

And then the good stuff happens, ya know, the second testament? It’s really a fascinating read, pretty good biography. Basically everyone knows the CliffNotes version of the story, Jesus was a super good guy who hated slavery and racism and wanted us all to get along. Sound familiar? Then he did a ton of quote unquote miracles which convinced the world for thousands of years that he really was the son of the Guy who flooded the Earth and killed everyone not so long ago. He walked on water (shallow end of the pool? Sand bar?) he turned water into wine (drunkards missing when he switched the barrels?) He cured a woman’s blindness (idk that one sounds legit) and other stuff like that.

Then he died for your fucking sins. Like a boss. Dude lugged a fucking thousand pound crucifix up a hill while dudes were whipping him and calling him a pussy and he got to the top of the hill and let them nail him to that fucking crucifix even though he could’ve used his carpenter skills to free himself or used his miracle powers to merk all the fucking Jews who killed him and reign supreme. He died instead. Then fucking came back to life. Like a boss. And fucking ascended to Heaven to never be heard from again while Kony has thousands of child slaves in his army and our President (of America) is threatening other nations with nuclear war over Twitter. Like a boss. Gangster shit, he already died for our sins, now he’s relaxin in heaven with all the virgins (not his mom) the son of God wants.

So as I’ve said I’m a big Jesus fan. Love him.

What are your thoughts on Jesus?

 

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