If you’ve taken a look at the news, famous scientist Stephen Hawking (allegedly) died today at the age of 76. Some of you are probably wondering why I slipped allegedly into that last sentence, but we’ll get to that later in the blog. Despite doing many amazing things, such as his work with relativity and quantum mechanics, Hawking will likely just be remembered by most as the guy in the wheelchair who talked with a robot voice. Something I always liked about him was that despite having a debilitating disease, he still managed to have a pretty good sense of humor. In an interview one time, Larry King asked him, “What do you think the most puzzling thing in the universe is?”. After a brief pause, Hawking answered, “Women”. The guy who mapped out theories on cosmos and other mind-boggling shit still thought that women were the most confusing thing in the universe, and I think men everywhere can agree with him on that.
In addition to his scientific research, a lesser known fact about Hawking was that he was actually a pretty good breakdancer (proof below)
As most of you know, Hawking had a rare form of ALS, AKA Lou Gehrig’s Disease. It left him completely immobile and unable to speak, so he communicated through some program that made him sound like a desktop computer from 1995. Even though everybody accepted the challenge and posted videos of themselves dumping buckets of ice on their heads to Facebook a few years ago, they were still somehow unable to cure ALS and save his life in time. I know, I’m just as shocked as you are. I thought dumping ice on our heads would surely cure the disease, but looks like we’ll have to try something else.
Now you’re probably wondering what the title of this blog means. Full disclosure, I recommend that you guys get ready for what you’re about to hear, because this theory would even make Alex Jones call me crazy. Long story short, I think Stephen Hawking actually died years ago, and any recent appearances he’s made were just his dead body sitting in the wheelchair with the computer “talking” for him.
I know it’s a lot to take in and that most of you think I need to put the pipe down and got some fresh air, but hear me out. I think that when he died from ALS many years ago, his friends couldn’t handle losing such an important and well-known person in the scientific community, so they developed a way to perfectly preserve his body and give off the appearance that he was still alive by doing the talking through the computer for him. I mean if the Ancient Egyptians, who worshipped human-body, animal-head hybrids and thought that Gods carried the sun and moon across the sky every day, were able to preserve bodies through mummification thousands of years ago, I’m sure a group of modern science nerds could figure out an even better way to do it now.
Since he already talked in that computer voice, it was easy to fool everybody into thinking he was still alive by simply controlling his wheelchair and speech software for him. Whenever he went on talk shows or gave speeches, that was actually just his corpse in front of a microphone while his friends typed everything that he was “saying”. Anybody who dared to bring attention to this little scheme found out the hard way, just like I did. Here’s footage of me calling Stephen Hawking a phony to his face, only for him to immediately punch me like Mike Tyson in his prime.
So there you have it: Stephen Hawking has really been dead for awhile, and his friends have just been pulling a Weekend At Bernie’s style prank on everybody for years. I mean think about it, if you threw Bernie from the movie in a motorized wheelchair and gave him a robotic voice, he’s basically Stephen Hawking.
Why his friends decided now was the time to officially have Stephen Hawking “die”, I don’t know, but a major reason why I thought of this ridiculous theory is because my friends and I are doing a death pool right now. Surprisingly, nobody drafted Stephen Hawking. Between 5 of us we picked 40 names, and somehow none of us picked The Hawkman. It would have been another easy payday for me, having already collected $100 when Billy Graham died a few weeks ago. Are my friends and I all going to Hell for betting on when people will die? Yes. Is doing a death pool kind of fun? Also yes.
And to answer the question I’m sure all of you have: Yes, I was very fucking high when I originally thought of this, but that doesn’t make this little theory any less possible. Sorry that I like to read between the lines and not accept everything as true just because. People who don’t think it’s possible that Stephen Hawking died years ago and his recent appearances were just a mummified computer in a wheelchair are just a bunch of small-minded sheep, and they clearly don’t smoke weed and think stupid thoughts at the same rate that I do.
PS: Cant believe nobody has made this connection before, but has anybody ever noticed that Stephen Hawking kind of looked like Bill Gates if he were to have been in a really bad car accident?
Don’t text and drive folks (Looking at you and that huge fucking screen in front of your face, Stephen)