It seems as if famous scientist/cyborg Stephen Hawking died at the age of 76 today (Allegedly, but more on that later in the blog). Despite doing many amazing things, like his work with relativity and quantum mechanics, Hawking will likely just be remembered by most as the wheelchair guy who talked with a robot voice. Something I always liked about him was that despite having a debilitating disease, he still managed to have a pretty good sense of humor. In an interview one time, Larry King asked him, “What do you think the most puzzling thing in the universe is?”. After a brief pause, Hawking answered, “Women”. The guy who mapped out theories on cosmos and other mind-boggling shit still thought that women were the most confusing thing in the universe, and I think men everywhere can agree with him on that. In addition to his scientific research, a lesser known fact is that Hawking was actually a pretty good breakdancer (proof below)
As most of you know, Hawking had a rare form of ALS AKA Lou Gehrig’s Disease. It left him completely immobile and unable to speak, so he communicated through some program that made him sound like a desktop computer from 1995. Even though everybody accepted the challenge and posted videos of themselves dumping buckets of ice on their heads to Facebook a few years ago, they were still somehow unable to cure ALS and save his life.
Now you’re probably wondering what the title of this blog means, and get ready because this theory would even make Alex Jones call me crazy. I think Stephen Hawking actually died years ago, and recent appearances were just his dead body sitting in a wheelchair. Basically I think that when he died from ALS many years ago, his friends couldn’t handle losing him and developed a way to perfectly preserve his body. I mean if the Ancient Egyptians, who worshipped human-body, animal-head hybrids and thought that Gods carried the sun and moon across the sky every day, were able to preserve bodies through mummification, I’m sure a group of modern science nerds could figure out an even better way to do it. Since he already talked in a computer voice, it was easy to fool everybody into thinking he was still alive by simply controlling his wheelchair and speech software for him. Whenever he went on talk shows or gave speeches, that was actually just his corpse in front of a microphone while his friends typed everything that he was “saying”. Anybody who dared to bring attention to this little scheme found out the hard way, just like I did. Here’s footage of me calling Stephen Hawking a phony to his face, only for him to immediately punch me like Mike Tyson in his prime.
So there you have it: Stephen Hawking has really been dead for awhile, and his friends have just been pulling a Weekend At Bernie’s style prank on everybody for years. I mean think about it:
If you threw Bernie in a wheelchair with a computer in front of him and gave him a robotic voice, he’s basically Stephen Hawking. I’m also doing a death pool right now with some of my friends and I can’t believe nobody drafted Stephen Hawking. We picked 40 names and none of us picked The Hawkman. Would’ve been another easy $100 for me (RIP Billy Graham, thanks for the $100 bucks 3 weeks ago). And to answer the question I’m sure all of you have: Yes, I was very fucking high when I originally thought of this. But that doesn’t make this little theory any less true, and people who believe the original story are just a bunch of small-minded sheep that don’t smoke weed and think stupid thoughts.
PS: Cant believe nobody has made this connection before, but can we all agree that Stephen Hawking kinda looked like Bill Gates if he got in a really bad car accident?
Don’t text and drive folks (Looking at you and that huge fucking screen in front of your face Stephen)