Coinstar Machines Are Full of Shit

If you’ve ever been to a grocery store, chances are you’ve seen one of these things.


Let me tell you a little something about these bastards that I’ve been suspicious of for years: They’re stealing from the American public. I don’t trust these fuckers as far as I can throw em, which realistically wouldn’t be too far because I haven’t been to a gym since it was a class in high school. I’ve been a full-blown, tin foil hat conspiracy theorist about this for a while, but the final straw with these coin-counting tricksters happened tonight. Like most Saturday nights I was craving some booze, but a glance at my checking account delivered a swift kick to the dick as I realized I only had about 7 bucks in there and my next check doesn’t cash until Monday. Embarrassing, trust me I’m aware, but that’s beside the point. I hit the drawing board to figure out how I was gonna raise enough money to get wasted tonight, and after ruling out selling a kidney and breakdancing outside of Park Street, I remembered the jar of change in my bedroom. I always keep my spare change because as you’ve probably figured out from the preceding sentences , I’m broke as fuck. Plus, I love when I finally cash in my spare change because it feels like I’m getting free money. Anyway, I grabbed my jar and headed to my local Stop and Shop to acquire my booze money and get this show on the road.

Now keep in mind this jar is not small. It’s actually on old coffee can filled about 3/4 of the way with coins. There were enough coins in there that if a homeless guy saw it, he would’ve came in his pants from how much spare change I was holding. I made my way over to the Coinstar machine, and began dumping my change into it like a broke guy throwing coins at a strip club. When all was said and done, the slip came out and informed me that the entire can was worth $27.73. TWENTY SEVEN DOLLARS AND SEVENTY THREE CENTS for a fucking giant can of coins. I couldn’t believe it. I don’t know if it was the surprisingly low amount or my alcohol withdrawal symptoms kicking in, but I almost fainted. Enough is enough. I’m tired of being bullied by these things and I hope I’m not the only one. Now I know what you’re thinking: “There were probably a lot of pennies” or some bullshit like that. No, shut your fucking mouth. I took a good look into that can and there was plenty of coin diversity going on. The real explanation is simple: Coinstar is blatantly taking a bigger cut than they claim they are because they’re greedy assholes. They claim to take 9 cents for every dollar, which is already steep, but here’s my issue with that. Who’s there to stop them from taking 10 cents for every dollar? 11? 12? My wallet? Where does it end? I honestly don’t know how some of you sleep at night knowing this type of coin extortion is going on in your own backyard. They don’t have to prove anything either, which is troubling to me. We all just dump a shitload of coins into the machine, a slip pops out that says, “All of those coins were this much”, and we accept the results like a bunch of chumps.

So you’re probably wondering what my little conspiracy theory entails, but I already touched on it a bit in the last paragraph. You know in Office Space (criminally underrated movie) when they come up with the scheme to steal a tiny, unnoticeable amount a bunch of times to make a shitload of money? That’s exactly what I think, better yet know, Coinstar is doing. They know they have the monopoly when it comes to getting cash for coins, and since they have us by the balls, they twist so slightly that you barely even notice you’re getting ripped off. Well I guess you could go to the bank instead, but that involves counting the coins yourself and lets get real, I’d rather blow my brains out. That’s actually the sole reason people go to Coinstar in the first place: Because counting a ton of coins is tedious work that fucking sucks. And the worst part is that if they ever get caught, they can just call it a “technical error” or some bullshit and get off scott free. They seemingly covered all their tracks, but they’re no match for an alcoholic with too much time on his hands like me.

So there you have it: Coinstar is nothing more than a bunch of robotic conmen that prey on degenerates like me who desperately dump massive amounts of spare change into their machines in the search of cash. I’m glad I could red pill all of you to Coinstar’s little scheme, which I must admit was well-thought out and executed,  but the jig is up. Coinstar, I think its about time you either come clean, or change your name to Constar so people know what they’re getting themselves into.  You might be able to fool everybody else, but you’ll never be able to fool Drunk White Kid.

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